The Second Coming NBA Column

Game 7, Four Rows Back: A Championship Recap

2010-06-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

We believe in you! We got your back! You’ve come this far, let’s do this!

We were hoarse. We were sweaty. Emotionally spent, we had headaches of heroin-withdrawal intensity.

Our legs were shaking like The Big One had finally hit LA, which makes sense, since we handle earthquakes much better than Game 7 losses. My neighbors were turning their hats backwards, rolling up sleeves, doing everything possible to reverse the bad juju that had cursed the Staples Center up until that point.

We were down. But we kept on cheering.

The fans in Staples Center last Thursday night may have been removed from the action on the court, but we were completely and utterly involved. For the first half, we had rolled with the punches and kept it close. At halftime, as the cameras went to commercial, we watched our despondent but determined Purple and Gold take the floor slowly, one by one, to warm up for the second half.

The music was off, and the media was hitting the restrooms and refreshments. The now-you-see-them celebrities were getting their free popcorn in the tunnel club. It was just the fans and their ball players. And, armed only with our words of inspiration and what was left of our lungs, I was joined by 17,000 of my closest kin in shouting encouragement to the Lakers – our Los Angeles Lakers – to turn it all around.

Pau, be strong! You’re better than these guys! Derek, keep shooting baby!

And at that point, it wasn’t looking good.

The deficit was six, which was remarkable considering how poorly we played. Pau Gasol couldn’t hit a shot, Kobe Bryant was missing free throws, and it seemed as if everyone had been given charlie-horses pregame. The energy and passion were evident in their play, but it was spraying everywhere, lacking focus and direction.

We were using sprinklers in a war of Super-Soakers.

The Boston Celtics had come out proud and resolute. They pounded the ball in early to Rasheed Wallace, giving him confidence and catching Gasol off-guard. They leaned on their All-Stars, getting contributions inside with lay-ups by Rajon Rondo, and outside with the deadly mid-range game of Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce. They forced the ball out of the hands of the Laker playmakers, tripling Kobe late in the shot clock, and forcing the often-unreliable outside game of the Laker bench to beat them.

In the biggest game I had ever witnessed, the Celtics kept the Lakers on their heels in every aspect of play. It was a hideously clever game plan, and it was working brilliantly.

* * *

Now, I had never seen the Staples Center quite like this. It could have been a crowd full of stuffed shirts and push-up bras, boasting that they went to a Finals Game 7 because that was the go-to event that Thursday. No. Every fan was animated, vocal, and invested, true die-hards who were too stubborn to give up hope.

These fans gave the refs the business. They booed Boston with fervor in introductions and throughout. They cheered at the appropriate rallying points, near the end of the quarters and after key defensive stops. Instead of cursing our players for missed layups and free throws, they urged them to get down the court and make up for it.

Everyone was wearing Lakers, inside and out. And in a game where every possession could mean the difference between Champion and Chump, that Staples Center crowd was determined to make all the difference it could.

Chants started in the rafters, and carried down the aisles. Each trip up the floor was either a thunderous DEE-Fense! or a LET’S go LA-kers!, starting even before the organ chimed in. Late calls were vehemently brought to attention, and successful plays were instantly lauded. It was beautiful, passionate, and inspired. And it was absolutely necessary.

You could see the looks on the Laker faces; they never had a home court advantage this effective. It may have taken them a moment to get used to it.

* * *

The halftime lead of six easily doubled. Four straight misses on the Lakers’ end translated into seven quick points for Boston. And as Phil Jackson called an uncharacteristic quick-trigger time-out, I began to ready myself for the possibility of defeat. And I found the thought process was completely unwelcome.

But slowly, tediously, the Lake Show started putting plays together.

It started with a welcome runner from Derek Fisher, who had nearly splitzed himself out of the game. That was followed by a couple shots from Lamar Odom, making a brief appearance of potency on the offensive end. And after a Kobe chip shot and a couple Gasol free throws, it was suddenly a five-point game again.

The Lakers had withstood the knockout punch. The run put 15 points on the board in six minutes, forcing Boston into a momentum-ceasing time out. The Lakers were amped. We were amped. And as Odom and Andrew Bynum waved their arms at the crowd, we screamed right the hell back at them.
And we screamed with the passion of every fan who couldn’t be there beside us.

Now, I’m not going to say that the Staples Center crowd gets the credit for the Laker victory on Thursday night. I’m not going to take anything away from a squad that came through with a victory in the biggest game of their lives. It would diminish the accomplishments of the season, and the determination of the team all through the playoffs.

But I have to think we helped a little.

Six years ago, Rasheed Wallace grew infamous for his “both teams played hard” boilerplate answer to press questions. In that Game 7, I honestly have not seen two teams play harder. Both the Lakers and the Celtics were so spent that even the bench players – players that didn’t play a single minute in the game – were covered and dripping in sweat.

It was the most important game I had ever witnessed. It was the most impassioned game, the most haphazard, the most emotionally draining. It was close to the bitter end, with every shot a statement, every possession absolutely pivotal.

And the Celtics, our bitter arch-rivals, have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. They put up a ridiculous fight, and pushed the Lakers to the very brink of elimination before running out of gas.

You did it! You deserve this! Yea, Kobe! Yea Pau! Yea Fish! Yea Lakers! Champions baby! Champions!

Both teams were champions. Yes, Rasheed, both teams played very, very hard. But after the final buzzer sounded, it was the Lakers who remained. And as for their hoarse, emotionally drained fan base? We decided to stay, and cheer just a little bit longer.

Steve Nash: The Busted Face of Basketball

2010-05-29T06:44:00.000-07:00

I’ve always been a Steve Nash hater. Let’s just get that out there.

I’ve always thought that he’s a wormy, saccharine Canadian;a player whose abilities on the court are blown out of proportion by hisstatistics on paper. He’s the highschool quarterback that scores the hot cheerleader, heads the class council,gets straight A’s, and petitions for more soda machines on campus.

He is the kid who does more community service than theamount required for graduation. I mean,who does that!?

We get it, Steve. You’re nice. You’re a do-gooder,and you’ve won over the masses with your G-rated Disney pizazz. Just stop the act already.

If you were to ask me, he didn’t deserve those MVPs. He got them because he was small, white, anddid everything right. He answeredquestions politely, and smiled for the camera. He visited hospitals and paintedhouses. But his play didn’t justify theaccolades, the fanfare, or the adoration. He has won nothing, accomplished nothing, proven nothing.

I would have said he played us all for fools. And you know what? I would have been dead wrong. Because eventhough he’s playing against the Lakers…myLakers…I keep finding myself rootingfor Steven John Nash.

***

It kills me to say this, but Nash has revolutionized thegame of basketball. His effect cannot beseen in a single game (though I guarantee you, like last night’s Game 5thriller, he will make any game entertaining), nor can his effect on thebasketball culture be quantifiably measured. This is true within Phoenix, Dallas, Santa Clara, Canada,and all throughout the NBA-watching globe. Just ask around.

This wormy, saccharine Canadian has become anambassador. Our ambassador. And, thoughit has taken me a while to come around on this fact, it is a privilege to havethis class council president as our diplomat to the basketball-watchinglegions. His methods are highlysuccessful, tremendously watchable, and brilliant to behold. May the Coke machines abound.

First, let me break down what Nash brings to the court. In this, his 13^th season, when hisbody should be/has been breaking down for at least five years, he is enjoyingone of his finest seasons of all-time. (No small feat for a prior back-to-back MVP winner.) He averaged 16 points and 11 assists a gamethis year, 17.5 and 10 in the playoffs. Heled his team to the Western Conference Finals when no one had them out of thefirst round. He re-activated AmareStoudamire (not to mention the whole city of Phoenix), and in the biggest gameof the year he hit big shot after big shot even as his coach was puking on thesidelines. True story.

And I realize it is a pity that we have never seen what hecan do in the Finals.

True, he can’t beat players with his speed, providelock-down defense, elevate, or play for over 35 minutes a game. But he never really could in the first place,could he? When he is on the court, hehides his every shortcoming in a way that it only rarely becomes apparent.

I mean, let’s be honest. Every single player in the NBA – yes, even Earl Boikins – could post upSteve Nash if they were alone in a gym together. But it doesn’t happen. Why? Because Steve sees the play coming, switches off, and never gives themthe opportunity.

Steve maximizes his strengths at the offensive end to makeup for his defense. If he needs to getby his defender, he goes into a succession of stutter-steps and hesitations,dipping his shoulder only when he has the man completely off-balance. If the defense switches, he lures the big menout to the 15-18 foot range, and either lofts a high shot over him (that hemakes with great regularity) or burns by him for an unorthodox - yet thoroughlypracticed - layup.

For the opponent, it’s maddening. It’s like trying to share a sleeping bag withyour sister - it should be easy, but you just can’t get in the right position.

On drives, Nash gets behind the hoop - much like a hockeyplayer – and looks for cutters at angles the defense isn’t accustomed to. If the defenders stay at home on theirplayers, it makes for an easy and uncontested layup. But if they switch off, they have to turntheir back on Stoudamire or Grant Hill. And that’s never a smart idea.

It’s brilliant basketball play, really. Like in fencing, he realizes that he is inpower when he has the ball in attack mode. He makes the choices, dictating every move that the defense makes, andcountering appropriately.

I’m beginning to realize I’ve never seen a player like him.

Steve Nash is proof that you don’t have to be able touch thetop of the backboard in order to play in this league. He embodies the natural evolution ofbasketball; the game where a keen eye and smart thinking can make up for a lackof athletic talent.

Now, I’ll root for the Lakers until I’m purple and gold inthe face. But for basketball fans, SteveNash is our savior. He is the hope ofthe slow, ground-ridden masses.

And that’s quite an accomplishment, isn’t it?

Lakers/Suns 2010 WCF Preview

2010-05-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

Meet thy enemy, Lakers fans. They’re way better than you had expected. But that doesn’t mean they are going to win.

Tonight, the Phoenix Suns roll into the Staples Center for Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals. This is the third straight WCF for the Lakers, but the first for the Suns since 2006’s loss to the Dallas Mavericks. The Suns are the oldest franchise in the NBA without a championship, while the Lakers, of course, are the defending title holders. It’s only fitting that the two should meet.

And though the Lakers and Suns play in the same division, I have the feeling that not too many Laker fans really know this years’ Suns are all about. Heck, I don’t think the Suns knew either until their Round 1 victory over the San Antonio Spurs. But that series victory, along with Steve Nash’s valiant one-eyed pirate impression in Game 4, was enough to peak the interest of the league, and label these Arizonans as contenders.

The Suns are for real. They are offensive opportunists. They have to be. Two of their starting five should be in the NBA’s old folks’ home at this point, sipping tea and playing Wii with Clyde Drexler. And while they’re not going to beat you with their athletic superiority or aerial acrobatics, they are of the highest basketball pedigree, perhaps the smartest team in the league at exploiting their strengths. They have a legion of slightly-better-than-average players that have meshed together on the court and in the locker room.

And that is a scary proposition, especially to a team with so many prominent individual personalities as the Lakers.

The Suns have camaraderie. They get into the seams, they move the ball, and they hit their threes. Plus, they enjoy being together, and have bonded as dorks of the highest calibur - unabashed internet geeks who film C-grade Avatar knock-offs while in transit between games. (This shouldn’t benefit them, but for some reason it does.)

Like dogs let out from the shelter, many of the Suns are transplants from other, more promising teams that failed to advance in the past, and are overjoyed to be running together again with a like goal in mind. I can imagine them looking around their locker room (thick with purple and orange, of course, and a Go-Rilla RIP shrine) at the beginning of the season, realizing that Steve Kerr somehow stumbled on a winning formula of an uptempo drive-and-kick game, and stuck to their guns as all the NBA pundits wrote them off as a flash in the pan.

Of course, the Suns lack a true center, and are facing the Lakers’ two-headed post monster. They play little defense, and they are going against the third-most potent offensive force in the league. And they don’t have any sort of proven “Kobe-stopper”…if there even is one. To win, Phoenix has to shoot the ball extremely well, play tough interior defense, and win at least one game in LA.

Is it possible to accomplish one of these feats? Yes. All three? It won’t be easy.

I asked my good friend Grace, a Phoenix transplant and Suns die-hard, about his take on the upcoming series. He knows more about the Suns and Phoenix than any of the experts, something he is both proud and ashamed of (…I think. I know I would be.) Here is what he wrote:

“Despite the love affair the talking heads have with Jason Richardson's 20 point games, the Suns' bench is going to be the true team barometer. The Lakers are the scariest team in the final four, but have notable depth and injury concerns. In the end, I'm hoping a high level of intensity from guys like Frye and Dudley can help Steve Nash ‘carry’ us to the Finals.”

And he’s right. Steve Nash can’t carry the Suns alone, unlike the previous incarnations of this team. If the Suns are going to have a shot at taking this series with the Lakers, it’s going to take some solid play from the lesser-known and promising Phoenix bench.

Gone are Boris Diaw and Raja Bell, two hard-nosed underachievers, and in their place are the feisty Jared Dudley and the streaky Goran Dragic, who are still young and inexperienced/cocky enough to think they can hang in the late rounds of the playoffs. The rest of their bench is full of unproven yet inspired players of the “Birdman” ilk, like Louis Amundson and the freshly-uninjured Robin Lopez.

On paper, there’s no way they should beat the Lakers. But look at their plus/minus stats and per-game performance, and you can see the Suns are playing better than LA has as of late. And as two of the Lakers’ victories over Phoenix this year came on the latter half of back-to-backs for the Suns, we haven’t really seen the two teams match up against each other.

I know my predictions have sucked so far (thanks, Cavs) but I see this series going five games, with the Lakers proving just too powerful for the Suns.

Hey, Steve Nash. Yarrrrrrrr.

NBA Playoff Predictions, Circa 2010

2010-05-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

Folks, I have been issued a challenge. A colleague of mine – for the moment, let’scall him Nole Cowlin – is an Orlando Magic backer. He recently reached out to me with thisstatement:

"I knowyou’re a Lakers fan, but how can you possibly say they are a better team thanthe Magic are right now after that beating they laid on the Hawks? I want to see you make a case the Lakersstill a legitimate shot to win the championship."

-NOLE COWLIN

Well, I accept your challenge, Mr.Cowlin. And I appreciate you coming tome with this. I believe this issentiment of yours is shared with many NBA fans across the country, and youpresented it without exclamation points or your caps-lock on. So I commend you.

Let’s start with some groundwork on theOrlando Magic. Now, they are indeed afantastic basketball team, and are playing their best ball of the season. As I detailed in an earlier column, they playan offensive chess match, calculative in their spacing and passing, and theyhave the perfect recipe of outside shooting and interior strength to take outany team in the league.

Of course, they are not without theirweaknesses. Dwight Man-Child Howard maybe the most potent defensive force in the league today, but he is in total lackof an offensive repertoire. He’scurrently preying on undersized Eastern Conference centers to get offensiveput-backs, but once he faces up against a Shaquille O’Neal or even an AndrewBynum, his foul trouble will return and he will begin to look remarkablyaverage.

And as for Vince Carter, he has adjustedsmoothly into Stan Van Gundy’s system in Orlando. But he’s still Vince Carter. And Vince Carter has yet to show up for biggames. I’d love to be proven wrong here,but until I see him take over in crunch time, I can’t rely on him to carry theoffense in the pivotal moments.

As it currently stands, the Orlando Magic canbeat whoever comes out of the Boston Celtics-Cleveland Cavaliers matchup,especially if that series lasts a rough six or seven games. And it’strue they had a strong opening-game showing against the Atlanta Hawks, a41-point rout on Tuesday night.

But one blowout does not a championmake.

First,let’s see the rout for what it was. Thisis the NBA. These aren’t middle-schoolers. On any given night, any team can catch fireand light up their opponent. It happensfrom time to time, but it can just as easily become reversed in the next game,and rings are not handed out after one night of basketball.

Asimpressive as that rout may have been, I can guarantee you the rest of theAtlanta-Orlando series won’t go as smoothly. Though they should eventually emerge victorious, the Magic will notsweep the Hawks. Lock that predictionup, because it’s gold. The Hawks havejust too much firepower with the Joe Johnson/Josh Smith/Jamal Crawfordtrifecta. But the Hawks are too volatileto make it deep in the playoffs, and yes, the Magic are playing way above theirheads.

So,let’s bring this argument in the Lakers’ direction. The Utah Jazz, the Lakers’ second-roundopponent, are way, way better thanthe Hawks. They have better players, abetter coach, and though they have an identical record, they did so in a muchtougher a deeper conference. They alsohave arguably the best point guard in the game in Deron Williams, a man who’sskill set I would hug if I could. Plus,they just knocked out the Denver Nuggets, a team that many experts predictedwould make the Western Conference Finals.

Andthe Lakers just took it to them for two straight games. Convincingly.

Ofcourse, I am biased. And like the Magic,I don’t think the Lakers are going to sweep the series. But I like what I’m seeing from the Purpleand Gold right now. Pau Gasol is playingwith urgency, and meshing splendidly with Andrew Bynum, creating a down-low duothat is very tough to match up against. Kobe is taking smart shots,but moving the ball around enough to get others involved, and his numerousinjuries look to be healing up nicely. And Ron Artest is shooting better, moving better on D, and keeping hiscrazy at a minimum.

Butmost impressive is the play of Lamar Odom. The stats may not show it, but Odom has played with a passion andferocity that I have never seen from him before. His rebounding is…otherworldly. Where most other players would give up on aplay, he keeps fighting, and his length often wins out over his undersizedopponents. (I mean, he had 15 rebounds in29 minutes on Tuesday. That’s justoutstanding.)

Isee the Lakers taking this series, with the Jazz winning one or two along theway. And I can see them taking the nextseries, too, after the bloodbath between the San Antonio Spurs and Phoenix Sunsis over. Knock on wood, but if the goalis the Finals and an eventual repeat, the road is paved with favorable matchupsfor the Lakers.

Butthat’s where things get interesting.

Ifthe Cavaliers solidify their play and make it through both Bostonand Orlando, Idon’t think there’s any way the Lakers can get four wins on them. They match up very well with the Lakers,throwing big bodies at Pauand Bynum, and playing at a pace much speedier than the Lakers are comfortablewith. And that’s before taking intoaccount Mr. MVP, LeBron James, who can pretty much pencil in a 30-8-8 for eachgame the rest of the way.

Butthe Celtics and the Magic, on the other hand, match up very well with Cleveland. They both force LeBron and Mo Williams intooutside shots, a style of play that is much less productive for them, and livewith mid-range shots from Antwan Jamison and Anthony Parker. Plus, both Bostonand Orlando cansay they’ve beaten the Cavs before, which is a valuable mental advantage thatthe Lakers can’t boast.

Atthe end of it all, I see Cleveland taking Boston in seven, Orlandotaking Cleveland in six, and the Lakers beating Orlando in six. Just like last year.

So,Nole…can I honestly make a case for the Lakers? Looks like it.

To Practice Against The Girls: A WNBA Tryout

2010-04-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

I stood, hunched over, on the baseline. The rain of sweat from my forehead patterned the floor like a Jackson Pollack painting.

My legs and lungs were afire, and no amount of Gatorade could save me. My feet, like two spurned friends, had ceased to have anything to do with me, and ignored any request I sent their way. Now, I was in decent physical shape, but I was in real trouble here. And I was not alone. Around me stood thirty-five other dudes, all sweating, all panting, most of them with their hands on their knees and pained looks on their faces. In the shadow of the Lakers championship banners and retired jerseys above us, we had been beaten mercilessly.

After a long and thorough two-hour basketball practice session, we had just completed two full set of wind sprints. This was more running than I had done since, well…ever. And the strong-voiced gentleman before us just assured our crew that we were about to do them again. And again. Because that is what it took to become champions.

And to think, we had not only volunteered for this treatment, but we had paid good money for it.

My brethren and I were taking part in a try-out for the Los Angeles Sparks, the southland’s professional women’s basketball team. Of the thirty-five men, seven would be hand-selected to practice regularly against the Sparks. For the basketball fan, this was true hollowed ground: battling with a professional team, amongst championship banners. And in order to make them play their best, we had to prove our worth.

Now, none of us knew what to expect when we arrived at the Toyota Sports Center that day. We were welcomed with locked gates and tightened security, like true pros. I mean, this was the everyday practice court for the current NBA Champions. I was so star-struck by the purple-and-gold emblems and insignias that I had no idea what waivers I signed. Regardless, they booted me to the court with my #32 jersey and a ladies regulation-sized basketball, and told me to get loose.

To be honest, most of us were past our peak athletic years, if we had peaked at all. We ranged in age from the spry and jumpy 19-year-old to the traveled 55-year-old, a gentleman I called “Winter” who found his backside on the floor more than once. There was a 6’9”, 300-pounder who got lost on his way to football practice, and a hefty 5’6” Latino fellow with 90% of his body covered in tattoos. (Thank goodness, one tattoo was the Lakers logo.) And there was me, a 28-year-old white dude with shaggy hair and zero hops.

We looked like a circus freak show in sneakers. And our game play was about as pretty. Maybe half of us had any high school basketball experience, and what we remembered of 3-2 zones and half-court traps had left us long ago. If not for the strong guidance of Assistant Coach Steve Smith, the situation could have descended into a glorified pick-up game in no time. But Coach was not having it.

Most of us started sweating mid-way through our stretching routine. I know I did. And after the transition drill sets, any hope of having legs on your jumpers was lost. (And, for one fellow, so was his lunch.) No one was converting lay-ups, and turnovers abounded. We were fatigued, play was getting sloppy, and we knew we had a long way to go.

But, as often happens in basketball, one situation brought everyone together. We were running a five-man weave, a drill new to many of us. After a few practice runs, the third set of five screwed up the drill, and Coach Smith made them start anew. Once again, someone was out of position, and the crew of five had to redo the drill. This repeated a third, fourth, and a fifth time. But with each mistake, the sideline players began to encourage the fellows on the court with more enthusiasm. After the sixth mistake, the entire section of remaining players were clapping their encouragement, cheering on the tired crew for one more try.

Finally, they succeeded at the drill, and received hearty high-fives and applause on their way back up the court. Though they were all strangers two hours ago, the entire gym came together to celebrate the eventual success of these five. They were tired, and they got run hard, but there were smiles on every one of their faces. From then on, everyone was on the same page, and we rallied through the rest of the drills and scrimmages, finishing the practice winded but fulfilled.

And that’s what the try-out was all about. When we entered the Toyota Sports Center that day, we knew we weren’t pro ballers. But we also knew we had the opportunity to test ourselves on the same floor that those very pro ballers practiced upon. Most of us came to showcase our skills, to have a good run, and to come away with a good workout and a good story. And I think we all accomplished that.

If I were to eventually be selected to battle Candace Parker, Tina Thompson and the rest of the L.A. Sparks, so be it. It would be a privilege and an honor. But I will always remember that Tuesday night in El Segundo, when thirty-five strangers came together under the same lights as the stars.

The Sparks will tip-off their season on Friday, May 28th at 7:30pm vs. the Washington Mystics at STAPLES Center.

Da'Sean Butler: A Cautionary Tale

2010-04-10T16:34:00.000-07:00

Quick Edit: Looks like Da'Sean Butler did, in fact, have a torn ACL. He has since had surgery on the knee.

On April 4^th, one week ago today, Da’Sean Butlerwas a crumpled heap on the Lucas Oil Stadium floor.

After leading his West Virginia Mountaineers to animprobable Final 4 berth, the All-American senior had faced an established andwell-coached Duke team in the heat of the national spotlight. Butler was themain offensive option and strongest on-court leader for West Virginia. He had foregone the NBA draft in successiveyears in order to see how far his team could go, and under the guidance ofCoach Bob Huggins, the squad looked poised for one last push against thetournament-hardened Blue Devils.

A win against Duke meant a trip to the championship game. But the Mountaineers were down big, and itwas up Da’Sean Butler to bring this Cinderella back.

On a decisive dribble-drive down the left side, Butler met Duke’s bigBrian Zoubek near the rim. Da’Sean plantedfirmly, absorbed the contact, and put up an awkward floater as the foul wascalled.

But Butlerlanded hard, and did not get up. As hewrithed in pain and clutched his left knee, Coach Huggins ran to the court toconsol his fallen star.

* * *

On April 4^th, one week ago today, the MilwaukeeBucks were facing the Phoenix Suns in a late regular-season NBA match.

Both teams were in the throes of the playoff race, and neededthe victory to secure a favorable match-up in the postseason. Amidst the “Fear the Deer” signs and rabidchants of the Milwaukee faithful, the Bucks surged out to an early 12-pointlead over the talented Suns, and looked poised to run away with the game.

Off an errant shot by Amare Stoudamire, forward CarlosDelfino found a streaking Andrew Bogut ahead of the defense. Bogut, Milwaukee’sformer #1 draft pick and the face of the franchise, had been enjoying a careeryear with the surging Bucks and was poised to make his first meaningful post-seasonappearance. He caught the pass cleanly,and went up for a thunderous two-handed throw down as the arena crowdcelebrated.

But as his momentum carried him forwards, Andrew lost hisgrip on the rim. His body turned inmid-air as he released, and he fell with the brunt of his 260-pound framedirectly on his right arm.

The arm bent unnaturally behind his back, under the fullweight of his fall. The arena wentsilent as the training staff rushed to his aid, tending to the disfiguredjoint. It was the most grotesque injuryin the NBA since Shawn Livingston’s knee catastrophe three years ago, andpossibly the worst arm injury in the history of the NBA.

* * *

Every single basketball player is playing with the house’smoney. Each time you step on the court,you are putting your future games at risk, no matter how small that risk maybe. After enough games, after enoughplays, there is a near-certain probability that something will go wrong. It may be a turned ankle, it may be adislocated shoulder. But, odds are, itwill happen to you.

I have friends who blew out their knees in an empty gym,shooting jumpers. Heck, Sam Bowie brokehis leg in an exhibition layup line with the Blazers in 1987. It’s borrowed time we’re all playing with, aRussian roulette with sneakers.

And this is why I will never hold it against a player fordeclaring for the draft early.

Look at it this way: Da’Sean Butler’s injury, though painfuland scary, turned out to be a simple knee sprain. Nothing worse. It probably won’t affect his career in thelong run. And though it shouldn’t affecthis draft status, it undeniably will. Hewas originally projected as a potential lottery pick, and he has since fallendeep into the 2^nd round in mock drafts since the tournament.

As a lottery pick, Butlerwould have been guaranteed around $3 million in his rookie season, and maybe $7million overall. As a second-rounder, heis not guaranteed an NBA contract. Projectedforward, if this knee injury were to cost him an NBA career, it may have been anear-$30 million loss in potential salary.

It was just a knee sprain, (note - see edit at top!) but it serves as an example ofthe worst possible outcome for pre-NBA stars everywhere.

Andrew Bogut’s injury was drastic and ugly, and turned outto be way worse than Butler’s. He is out for the season, and it will take ayear or two at minimum before he is back to full health. But, as he signed a five-year, $76 millionguaranteed contract earlier this year, his recovery will be fully funded to thetune of over $10 million annually.

Two injuries on the same day. One was dramatically worse than theother. But the lesser injury may havemeant a loss of $30 million, and a chance at an NBA career. Doesn’t seem right, does it?

* * *

Players are admonished, both in the media and by collegiatecoaches and executives, for leaving school early in order to pursue their NBAdreams. They say the training andexperience of four years in college pays substantial dividends when it comestime to make the leap into the NBA. The skills learned on the college court willtranslate into playing time in the league, and the life lessons learned in schoolare invaluable.

Besides, they say,if things don’t work out in the pro’s,you’ll always have your degree to fall back on.

Bubkus, I say.

A top-tier player is sitting on a winning lotteryticket. If they are a first-round draftpick, that means a guaranteed contract, and a near-guaranteed opportunity. You pass that up, there’s no certainty thatthe opportunity will present itself again.

The opportunity, plus a guaranteed multi-million dollarcontract, that is.

Now, I am not all about the money. But name for me a situation where it’s understandableto withhold, say, $7 million from someone who has earned it. A CEO would spend years in the courtroomtrying to get that money back. Andthat’s not to mention the Kevin Garnetts, the Kobe Bryants, the Dwight Howardsand LeBron James that came directly from high school to drive the NBA. Would the league really be better off if theyhad risked one of these superstars for a year in college?

These kids’ lives revolve around their capacity to playbasketball, and a great number of them don’t get that opportunity because of aninjury occurring before they could be properly compensated. An NBA contract is a fail-safe. And you get no such thing in college ball.

You can always go back and get your degree, but you can’tgive back a busted body part. The windowof opportunity to play in the NBA is simply too small and too risky to pass up.

Thus, I am officially against the age requirement for theNBA. Aside from the constitutionalarguments and the legality of the rule, it is simply unfair to the handful oftalented high-schoolers out there who are risking another year of potentialinjury before they are eligible. If you area legal adult, have the skills and the ability to play in the NBA, and thepossibility exists for you to sign a contract that compensates your abilities,no power on Earth should be able keep that from you.

Andrew Bogut was fortunate to make it through his twoseasons at Utahinjury-free, and was drafted #1 overall. But Da’Sean Butler made a choice to stay in college, a choice that isalways applauded by the NCAA and the NBA. But he is a prime example of swinging without a safety net, of whatcould happen if you take that risk.

His injury will almost certainly cost him millions. And that’s what makes his story all the more tragic.

* * *

Let’s hope there is light at the end of this tunnel. Butler’swork ethic and headiness on the hardwood can prove valuable in the NBA, andthough we can’t be sure, it seems like he will be able to recover from hisinjury. But if his knee becomesproblematic and keeps him off the court, there isn’t a team in the league thatwill hold on to him.

I think back to a week ago, as West Virginia’s title hopes were fading onthat Lucas Oil Stadium floor. When Butler went down, I wassure his chances in professional basketball were done. And I’m pretty sure Butler thought so, too.

It makes me wonder what Coach Bob Huggins was whispering inDa’Sean Butler’s ear. What would youhave said?

NCAA v NBA: Basketball Is Basketball

2010-03-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

You turn the corner tothe arena, and you can already hear the crowd screaming.

The thump of the musicseems to make the blood boil in your veins. It’s rattling you through the rafters, and you have yet to even reachyour seat. I mean, the fans are goingCRAZY. They’re all wearing the samecolor, and their frenzied cheers ripple through the arena like seismicshocks. The energy is palpable, alive onthe face of everyone you pass. And yes,it’s on your face too.

This is the game thatthe whole city has been talking about – hell, the whole country – and every fanhere knows they are in for something special. And maybe, just maybe, their cheer can transfer to the court, to inspiretheir team, to somehow make a difference in the outcome of the game.

Then, the lightscut. The screams become manic. And thegame begins.

* * *

Much has been made of the “rivalry” that NCAA basketball andthe NBA have with each other, and Spring is usually the time rears itshead. With March Madness and the playoffpush battling for air time, coupled with the absence of any baseball andfootball to cloud the public attention, this is the time when the most eyes areon the roundball.

And, as sports nuts are known to go a little bonkers withtheir debates and opinions, the topic of “which is better” invariably pops up,like the daisies, each and every Spring.

The argument is always convoluted and myopic. It usually concludes nothing, and gets thetwo sides nowhere. If you favored NCAAbasketball, would you really be swayed by anything the NBA-backer had tosay? You enjoy the crowd energy, theyouthful exuberance of the players, and the win-or-go-home anxiety of thetournament. It’s better basketball, yousay.

But as an NBA fan, you tire of the argument that the collegekids “play harder”. You want to watchthe best athletes battle each other, and the pros just do things the college kidscan’t. These players have perfected thegame. They fly higher, they dunk harder,and when they collide you can feel it in your bones. It’s better basketball, you say.

Each and every Spring. Like the daisies.

* * *

The players quietlysit in front of their lockers. A couplehave their heads down, nodding to the beat of their go-to pump-up jam. The family, the friends, and all the everydaydistractions are slowly eased from their minds.

No one speaks. But they can feel the low rumble through thewalls, resonating like an oncoming tornado.

Every minute, everypep talk from the season has been geared towards this game. The team has already been through so muchtogether. Of course no one wants it toend. They know their game plan, and theirlimitations. If they are going to win,they had better execute perfectly. Andevery external force is geared to prevent that from happening.

The coaches comein. They take one last look around attheir team.

“Fellas…let’s go. It’s time.”

* * *

It’s true, the college game and the pros are two completelydifferent games. (That’s beforediscussing their different motivations, contracts, and pending shoedeals.) To say that you favor onebecause you are a “true basketball fan” really doesn’t lend credence to yourargument.

The goal for each team is to win basketball games. End of story. They just have a drastically different approach to accomplishing thatgoal.

Because of the great dilution of talent in collegebasketball, most teams don’t have a true
“first scoring option”. Obviously, ifyou have a Hakeem Olajuwon, you’re going to keep going to him, but there are347 D-1 teams, and there’s only been one Hakeem…ever.

This leads to a much greater emphasis on the coach, and hisset systems. Oftentimes, the winningteam has the most complete understanding of their coach’s system and how theirteammates behave within it. As a styleof play, it’s a bit more methodical. Swing the ball, observe. Swingback. Kick to the post, and kickout. Then a cut is made to where thedefense seems weak, and from there the defense’s reactions dictate theplay.

I said methodical, mind you. Not tedious. Methodical.

Likewise, in the NBA, there is such a specialized set oftalents on each team that much of the game involves tossing the ball to yourstar player and either making it easier for them to operate, or getting out ofthe way completely. In most cases, theoffensive system is created to fit the players, and not the other way around.

Dump the ball to Shaq, and let him do his thang. Put Michael, or Kobe, or AI on the free throw line extendedand, yes, let him do his thang. It’s abit more predictable, but “his thang” is usually more productive and reliablethan an X’s and O’s play. Besides, withthe 24-second shot clock in the NBA, there’s really not much time for a secondoption.

You see more “unstoppable moves” in the NBA, which leads togreater creativity in trying to prevent them from happening. But you see more overall team involvement inthe NCAA, which comes across as more fundamentally sound.

But that is the great thing about basketball. No matter what your game plan entails, anyteam can beat you on any given night. Even the best players can have a bad outing, and even the worst playerscan randomly catch fire. And that istrue for the NBA and NCAA alike.

Besides, if we just gave teams the victories, where would wego for hot dogs and beer?

* * *

The two teams havebeen absolutely killing it the entire night.

Every shot has beenmatched, every big play countered. Playersare literally flying around the court, chasing loose balls into the stands, andlooking for any edge they can gain against their opponents. Just when the visitors seemed like they wouldpull away, the home team gets a big defensive stop. The point guard gets the ball, puts his handup, and walks the ball into the front court for a pivotal offensive set.

The entire stadiumknows the weight of this possession, and as the point guard crosses the halfcourt line, their frenzied but weary game-long cheering slowly, yet pointedly,reaches a crescendo.

One by one, every fanrises from their seat, and screams as loud as they humanly can.

The play sets up. The shooting guard makes a quick cut alongthe baseline, and gets the ball on the wing. A big man comes up to set him a screen, but as he goes around it, hepulls both defenders, and looks trapped. There is dangerously little left onthe clock. The player hesitates, then risesup and fires a quick pass to the cutting high post, who swings a pass to theopen small forward in the far corner.

He catches the ball,and sizes up the three-pointer. Therecovering defender is running, full-speed, directly at him. With no time remaining and no other options,the small forward elevates, hangs, and lets the ball go.

It clears theadvancing defender’s fingertips by inches.

* * *

And that’s the point. It’s basketball.

You can’t argue if one style of basketball is better thananother. You just can’t. In the ebbs and flow of a given ball game,and the countless attacks and adjustments that occur on any given play, we arereally arguing the same thing.

If you’re a multi-millionaire or a college kid with AdvancedBio in the morning, your goal is the same. You are there to make that shot. You are there to complete that play. It’s your only job, whether you get paid for it or not.

To hell with systems. You are there to win the game.

And how you plan to accomplish that has been set inmotion long ago.

A Note From Kyle...

2010-03-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

Recently, I have applied for TSCblogs to be included in the prestigious Last Fan Standing contest being run over at CBSsports.com. This competition takes 64 basketball blogs and pits them against one another during the NCAA Tournament. The fans vote for their favorite blogs, with prizes and awards being handed out along the way. The final four blogs receive some kind of exclusive access for the Final Four.

The smart lads running the show at Last Fan Standing have chosen TSCblogs.com to be a part of the festivities.

I will provide more information as it is presented to me, including which team I will be following and the specifics of the tourney. In the meantime, look for TSCblogs at the Last Fan website, and follow us on Facebook for updates.

Who knew March could get more interesting?

I'll chip in soon. Cheers and Regards,

UPDATE: THE FIRST ARTICLE IS UP. If you vote for me as "best blogger" on the main page, I will make you a TSC Faithful official member. This is a hollowed official position where you receive nothing and nothing happens for you. But it is awesome nonetheless.

-Kyle Slavin

Creator, Writer

TSCblogs.com

From Santa Barbara to Goettingen, Germany: Winning the Rochestie Way

2010-03-02T10:54:00.000-08:00

There’s an old saying, “great people make great basketballplayers”. But with the slew of drunkdriving charges and drug busts that follow our NBA superstars, it is hard tothink of these dunking demi-gods as healthy human beings. Rich and young, their egos oftentimes fillthe room – the area that is not filled with their posse, that is. You root for them, you cheer their successand marvel at their talents, but could you have a dinner conversation withthese young multi-millionaires? Wouldyou actually enjoy their company?

Taylor Rochestie does not roll with a posse. He does not “bling”. The native of Santa Barbara, Californiamade headlines when he led his underdog Washington State Cougars to the SweetSixteen, and he made a splash last year with the Los Angeles Lakers summerleague team. An All-PAC-10 award winnerand big-game standout, Taylor’sbasketball resume is on par with the best young prospects in the world.

Yet despite his numerous high-profile successes and growinginternational experience, Taylorremains remarkably and undeniably grounded. He shows more poise and confidence on the court than a 10-year NBAveteran, but he bristles with the exuberance of a summer camp teenager.

Ask him about his teammates at State, and his eyes lightup. Mention his new gig in Goettingen, Germany,and he’s ready with entertaining anecdotes about uproarious fans and Anti-Nazirallies, only hinting at the fact that the team far outperformed expectationsthis year, and that his contributions were paramount in their cause.

And it’s not like his performance has gone unnoticed. Says Gottengen teammate Jason Boone ofRochestie, “I honestly think that he’s one of the toughest players I’ve everplayed with. Not in terms of physicality, but mentally, he plays anextraordinary amount of confidence whether we are on the road playing againstthe first place team or at home against the last place team. And I think it’scontagious.” (courtesy GermanHoops.com)

Simply put, Taylor Rochestie makes the game better. He finds seams in the defense much like SteveNash, and finishes with runners and scoop-shots that are equal parts balanced andunpredictable. Ever since his days withthe Santa Barbara High Dons, he has had a knack for knowing when to facilitateand when to demand the ball. Asilky-smooth touch from the arc, he recently won the Three Point Shootout atNBBL All-Star game. (And, of course, hecelebrated by hugging the mascots with a grin ear-to-ear.)

But what sets Taylorapart is his Larry Bird-like demeanor: poised, humble, overloaded with confidence yet blessed with humility. He seems endlessly active on the court, yethis moves are assertive and direct, and always contrary to what the defensethinks they are giving him. The leftyhas a knack for getting past even the quickest defenders, and the poise toeither finish or dish at exactly the most opportune time.

It’s as if there is the wrong way to do things, the orthodoxway, and the Taylor Rochestie-right way. And as Washington State fans know, theRochestie way wins games.

For MEG Goettingin this year, Taylor has averaged 14.5 points in only 24minutes per game, while shooting an astounding 51% from the field, 45% from behindthe arc, and 85% from the free throw line. (For a quick comparison, no one in the NBA has kept those percentagesthis year. Steve Nash was closest at51%, 42%, and 93%). And though hisnumbers dipped slightly in the 10-game EuroChallenge, coach John Patrick hasbeen more than pleased by his production:

“He is able to make quick good decisions on the pick androll. He is improving all the time. He is a great shooter and fits perfectly toour system...[though] he looks like Beaver Cleaver,” he added. (courtesy GermanHoops.com)

Taylor Rochestie recently had a chance to answer somequestions about his recent experiences in

Germany

, and his growing legacyback home. Even after a thoroughly vicious practice session, Rochestie speakswith energy and purpose -- a style that perfectly mirrors his vivacious natureon the hardwood.

KS: How tough was the acclimation tointernational ball? What do they dodifferently?

TR: I think theacclimation for me was a lot easier than most first year players. My coachgraduated from Stanford University and is anAmerican, and I have a lot of Americans on my team. The town I’m in, Goettingen,is a pretty liberal town and the people here speak a good amount of English, sothose things have made the transition pretty easy.

As far as basketball goes, I think the two biggest changesare that these players take a lot of charges instead of trying to block yourshot, and they call a lot of travels here, when they let it go more in thestates. All this led to a lot of preseason turnovers for me and some of the newguys but you get use to it and adapt.

KS: What players have impressed you the mostover there?

TR: I would say I’mmost impressed with some of the crafty veterans that are spread out around thelead. Guys in there mid-30's still balling like their young because they havefound their niche at the pro level, and have been around the game so long. It'svery humbling to have a guy that’s ten years older than me teach me a fewthings.

KS: How do you think your high school career inSB has prepared you for college and pro ball?

TR: I'd say the workethic I established throughout high school with having great teammates andcoaches would be the thing that has helped me get to where I am right now.Learning at an early age that I have to work harder than all the other guys outthere that want to make a living off of playing ball.

KS: Is The League still the goal right now? Or do you see yourself on an extended stay inGermany?

TR: Right now I’mjust enjoying every minute of this experience and what it has to offer. Ialready look back at college and wish it didn’t go by so fast, so I’m learningto just be in the moment and who knows what the future holds for me as far asbasketball. Of course, I would love to keep playing for a long time.

KS: What is your best "Welcome to Germany!"story?

TR: The first morningI woke up here the street in front of my apartment was shut down due to ananti-Nazi rally in the town. Needless to say I cooked myself my own breakfast!

KS: MEG Goettingen has just enjoyed a far betterseason than expected. What are the fanslike? Are they a bunch of soccerhoodlums, chanting and raving and such?

TR: The fans outhere are great. We have only lost one home game all year, and none in the Germanleague. They chant and bang on drums the whole time. I don’t know what they’resaying most of the time, but I would imagine its all good things about us!

KS: Nice job on the 3-point shootout win. What was the contest like, and how was the reactionafterwards (other than the hugs from the mascots)?

TR: The 3-pt contestwas a lot of fun, it was the first time I have ever done something like thatbefore and I will remember it for a while to come. My brother was here visitingme and got to root me on so that is what made it for me, but being able to beapart of All-Star Weekend out in Germany for my first year was a very memorableexperience.

KS: Your collegecareer must feel like a million miles away by now. Do you still stay in touch your fellowCougars?

TR: Yes, "once aCoug always a Coug." I just had a six-day break and went "home"to WSU campus and stayed with some friends and got to watch them play UCLA. Istay up sometimes till five in the morning to watch or read about the gamesthey play. As for all of my teammates I still talk to them, and I’m eventalking to one of them right now, while doing this interview.

KS: Are you recognized on the street over thereyet?

TR: There are acouple of places that I go on a regular basis that are now my favorite localspots, so they know me there, but I’m no Michael Jordan.

KS: What was it like playing for the Lakers lastsummer league, after growing up a Lakers fan?

TR: That was a dreamcome true. We had practice a couple of days before the summer games and justbeing in the locker room, and wearing the Laker jersey was a dream. Every timewe were doing hard drills and I started to get tired I would look down at thename on the front of my jersey and that would be more than enough to keep goinghard.

Taylorgets back to action this week for MEG Goettingen after a short All-Star break,and will compete in Round 3 of the EuroChallenge later this month. For more information and to follow Taylor’s progreess, checkout his info page on EuroBasket.com or MEGGoettingen’s team page.

The Hall Pass: History's Failing McGrade

2010-02-15T22:43:00.000-08:00

Ihave, in my mind, a player with a Hall of Fame-type career. A player wholed the league in jersey sales while leading his team to multiple 50-plusseasons as their sole offensive option. This player absolutely dominatedthe league for three straight years, doing so smack-dab in the middle of Kobe, Shaq, and Duncan'sprime.

Athis peak, he had a scoring average higher than anyone since

Jordan

. (Check that: a pre-baseball-hiatus

Jordan

.) A fan favorite, he was assured a starting spot on the All-Star team every year,a trend that has maintained deep into the twilight of his career. Hecould shoot the three, he could dish and dunk, and he demanded the max contractto do so.

Hisbest games are long gone, and injuries have slowed his production to a full-stop. But for a few years there, he was untouchable, undeniably one of the topplayers in the game.

Hecould very well be one of the top 50 players ever. But despite his two scoring titles, sevenAll-Star appearances and seven All-NBA teams, he isn't going to make it intothe Hall of Fame.

Pleasedto meet you. Won't you guess my name?

***

If you were to be given the career of any NBA player, who’swould you choose? Would you pick theKevin Willis-style journeyman path? (Personally, playing for ten teams over 21 years would seem like theworld’s longest Survivor episode.) Theposter-child for durability, Willis made a boatload of money in his NBA career,and would probably be taken first overall in a fantasy draft for “Players withthe Best Stories”.

Or, would you prefer James Worthy’s career? Eight years of high-level production, sevenAll-Star appearances, three championships, and a Finals MVP (’88)? Though “Big Game James” was decimated byinjuries late in his career, he had a much more memorable NBA experience thanKevin Willis, as evidenced by Worthy’s 2003 Hall-of-Fame induction.

The player I have in mind took a different path. By all accounts, he is a better basketball player than James Worthy,shocking as it may seem. He is a better outside shooter, better finisher, andfar more physically gifted than Worthy. Thusfar, they have played exactly the same number of seasons. But if my guy were to retire today, nearlyall his career numbers would be better than “Big Game James”.

The player is Tracy McGrady. And his chances of making the Hall are about as good as a snowball’schance in, well, Houston.

***

It is easy to forget how dominant McGrady was at hisprime. We see him today as the hobbled,drama-causing fellow in street clothes on the Houston bench. We see him as needy, injury-plagued and, yes,even jinxed. How else can a player whois so gifted, so obviously better than every one else on the court – how elsecan you explain his countless failures in the playoffs? His injuries that, after a time, becamepredictable?

The current Tracy McGrady is a shell of the player he oncewas. His once-confident stride hasslowed to a head-down shuffle, his sleepy eyes gazing at the game with a saddisinterest. He has played six games forthe Houston Rockets this season, all in December, and averaged 3.2 points pergame. His total for those six gamescombined are two less than his career average.

For his efforts, the Rockets are paying him just a shadeover $23 million, currently the high-mark salary in the NBA. More than Kobe, more than LeBron. That’s about $1.3 million per point, ifMcGrady were to shut down the season. And this possibility seems more likely by the day.

***

How can you quantify the failure that is Tracy McGrady’scareer? How can a 7-time All-Star with a22 ppg career average be considered inadequate?

Since 1980, only four players have repeat as scoringchampion: Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Allen Iverson, and McGrady, with McGradyas the youngest to accomplish this feat. He has had a 60+ game. In 2004,he has scored 13 points in 35 seconds to beat the defending championSpurs. He scored 36 points in anAll-Star game. He still is thepoints-per-game leader for the Orlando Magic. By any account, his stats and analysis have him in conversation with someof the best players in history.

But the basketball-watching public is infatuated with playoffresults, and rightfully so. Therein liesthe bitter taste in the mouths of the McGrady fan base. I mean, check out these lousy playoffnumbers: averages of 28.5 points, 6.9 rebounds, 6.2 assists, 1.31 steals and1.16 blocks in 38 career playoff games.

Wait, what? F’real?

The truth is, despite the high amount of early playoffexits, Tracy McGrady has represented himself well in the playoffs. After his showing in the 2000 playoffs, whenhe scored 16.7 a game as a 19-year-old, he went for four straight 30+ ppgplayoff series. How can this guy bebranded a loser? Check out the four-year playoff line from 2001-2005:

Now, check out Mister Big Game James Worthy’s playoff stats:

Throw out sample size for the time being. James Worthy is a Hall-of-Famer with themoniker “Big Game”. Tracy McGrady isknown as a playoff goat, a perennial loser who is unreliable in theplayoffs.

That’s the problem with misconceptions. If you could only know when you’re makingthem.

***

I’m not saying that Tracy McGrady is the Greatest Player Ever. I’m not saying I want him on my team, or eventhat I like the guy at all. Trust me,there are people I’d rather invite to my bachelor party. (Kevin Willis, for example.)

What I am saying is this: Tracy McGrady is getting a rawdeal.

Our appreciation for this outstanding player is clouded byhis injury history, convoluted by his chase for the contract, and shadowed by hislack of playoff victories. Consider this: if McGrady stayed in Toronto hisentire career, put up the same numbers, played for a bit less money, and was oustedevery year in the first round, we would all feel sorry for him.

Think about it. Thethirty-year-old Raptor, toiling away in the Canadian cold, throwing up AlexEnglish-like numbers for eight seasons? We would have doted on him like we did with Kevin Garnett and theTimberwolves. “Look how hard he’s trying. Hereally has the warrior spirit. If onlyhis team was better, he’d make it deeper in the playoffs.”

Garnett didn’t have to switch teams early on to get hisrecord-setting contract deal. McGrady,on the other hand, bolted to Orlandoto play with Grant Hill. Can you reallyblame him? He was in the MVPconversation as recently as 2008, and had been since 2001. If he had a healthy Grant Hill, or morerecently a healthy Yao Ming, who knows how deep into the postseason his teamsmay have reached.

Tracy McGrady was a victim of circumstance, a casualty of “too-much-too-soon.” He should be a Hall-of-Famer. His career numbers attest to it. He may have worn down quickly, but rememberthat he started right out of high school. His body has traveled far further than the normal NBA 31-year-old.

Perhaps we have mistaken his casual gait on the court for alack of effort. Perhaps hishighlight-making dunks and untapped range were overshadowed by his unfortunatefate of running into sneaky-good Detroit, Milwaukee, and Charlotteteams early in his career. Truth is, I’mnot sure why he has never been in our favor.

But now, he is trade bait because of his albatross contract. He may end up in New York, but he won't play there. Yet again, Tracy McGrady will be an afterthought. A rider. An addition to history books that were already written without him.

We were all lucky to have witnessed Tracy McGradyplay. Hall of Fame be damned.

Ron Artest Revisited

2009-12-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

DEAR MR. ARTEST-

I see you.

Though it may be too early to give a verdict on your performance thus far, we can clearly state in Lakerland that you have acclimated. You work in this system.

You fit.

Your defensive tenacity is a positive, welcomed infusion. You cause chaos for opposing teams, but not in a “gamble-the-passing-lanes” sort of way. Instead, you step up to the best player, and defiantly state, “You are NOT getting any. Not today.”

You body players just enough to not get called for fouls, and you reach just when the ball-handler thinks, “there’s no way he’d reach in on me here.” You’re tough, you’re passionate, and you come to ball, no doubt about it.

I still think you’re crazy, but you’re crazy in the most perfect and productive way for this Laker team.

Your quirkiness, which stood out in Middle-America as maniacal and asylum-worthy, is nothing more than a side-note in the ridiculousness that is Los Angeles media. So, you went on the Jimmy Kimmel Show in your boxers? Harmless. At least you weren’t naked. Besides, who watches that show anymore? So, you are backing Tiger amidst all his turmoil? Yeah, you and everyone else ESPN polled.

So, you drank Hennessy at halftime? Says Kobe, “well, he’s not doing it any more, so who cares?” *

Come to think of it, in a city that has dealt with OJ and Oprah, hellfire, riots and Rodney King, a city that is in constant threat of plummeting into the deep Pacific at a moment’s notice, what on Earth could Ron Artest do to freak us out more than we already are?

***

Now, Mister Artest, this is ordinarily the section where I would offer you my critiques. If I were extraordinarily critical, I could mention your spotty 3-point shooting. However, you have improved vastly in that area since the season began, and you seem to understand when, in the Triangle Offense, it is your turn to shoot. You have that going for you, and yes, it is nice.

Also, I could mention your complete lack of a vertical. I mean, honestly, you would be pressed to fit a Sports Illustrated under that leap of yours…and you’ve noticed how thinned-out those have gotten, haven’t you? You hang-a less than Mbenga, you’ve got less vert than Kurt. This limits your ability to drive to the basket effectively, since you can’t elevate over the longer defenders. And this provides bloggers with the opportunity to rhyme, evidently.

But you more than make it up in your “East-West” movement, as John Hollinger would say. I have never seen someone shut down the baseline, step in for a charge, or hound wispy point guards better at the 3-spot. And yes, I understand that means little to the recreational NBA fan.

But I’ve noticed, Mister Artest. It brings the Laker D together, and fills the seams where there once was free reign. And for that, I appreciate your work, and I know I’m not alone.

***

It may be my homer bias, but it seems to me like the Lakers have emerged to be head-and-shoulders ahead of the rest of the West this season. Denver is chippy and explosive, but also volatile and prone to sulking, much like JR Smith himself. Phoenix has impressed early this season, but they have absolutely no answer for the Lakers’ big men. They have been defeated handily each time the two teams faced.

And San Antonio? I say they are still the West’s #2, regardless of their early record. They will rally heading into the playoffs, just you watch. But there’s no way a team with Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili can play for the long haul, or can match up for a playoff series against LA, especially if they have to first go through a team like Denver, Portland, or even Houston.

(Speaking of Duncan, he has absolutely amazed me this season. He’s so stiff, so arthritic-looking, he could be a spokesman for Ben-Gay…or Viagra, for that matter. And yet he is putting up these amazing numbers. He gets absolutely no air on his jumpers or hook shots, and they seem to come out at all awkward angles, but they go in. For someone so injury-ridden and so obviously lacking in athletic ability, this season is a testament to his basketball know-how and, yes, his greatness.)

So why, you may ask? Why can’t the best of the West see eye-to-eye with the Lakers? It’s because of the Artest-infused mentality towards defense.

It’s a defense that leads the league in opponent field-goal percentage. In three-point field-goal percentage. And with Pau hitting the boards at a career pace, they also lead the league in team rebounds per-game.

Heck, at this point, Hollinger makes up statistics just so the Lakers can lead the league in it*. Yes, the Lakers are even the best in limiting ADJFG%. So, in the words of Mr. Artest, suck on that, haters.

***

At the beginning of the season, I predicted the Lakers would win 69 games. That would set a high-water mark for the already esteemed franchise. The dilution of talent in the league, and the lack of quality opponents in their division and conference helped raise this number. Also, I figured that if the Lakers won their December 12^th match against Utah, they would challenge the 33-game win streak record. (They didn’t.)

These are ballsy claims. I realize this.

But here is my rationale: the Lakers are the only team of The Big Four to not take away from their core. Cleveland is a mess right now because Shaq is clogging up the middle and demanding the ball, like always, and their offense revolves around giving LeBron James the ball and scramming. The Celtics have lacked ever since Kevin Garnett got injured, and no amount of amazing Rajon Rondo games can help that. Orlando has yet to assimilate Vince Carter into the mix completely, and they are facing another stretch without Jameer Nelson, a player that could be considered the best on that talented team.

So, even if you argue that the Lakers were better with Trevor Ariza (which I won’t) they still have their top five players operating at peak performance. And since those other teams are in the Eastern Conference, the Lakers don’t have to see them too often. They can, in essence, beat each other up until the Finals, while the Lakers face the Kings and Timberwolves of the league.

This should give you, Mister Artest, the maximum amount of time to completely grasp this Laker team, and perform at your peak. I am already impressed, but I believe there’s more you can show us.

And, just for now, stay out of the Tiger Woods mess, won’t you?

____________________________________________

*essentially.

*From ESPN.com: ^ AFG%: Adjusted FG Percentage = [(PTS - FTM)/FGA]/2. ADJFG% measures shooting efficiency by taking into account the total points a player produces through his field goal attempts. The intention of this adjustment is largely to evaluate the impact of three-point shooting. For ex: If Shaquille O'Neal has 3-5 FG, all two-point shots for 6 points, then his ADJ FG% = [(6/5)]/2 = .600. Meanwhile, if Ray Allen is 2-5 FG, but his 2 FGM are both three-pointers for 6 points, then his ADJ FG% = [(6/5)]/2 = .600

Searching in Mid-December: The NBA for Purists

2009-12-07T13:57:00.000-08:00

This is the greatest time of the season for the NBA.

Why? It’s the law of large numbers. It’s The Witching Hourand The Doldrums. It’s the time of the year when so many games have been played, so many blowouts, lucky shots, and spectacular plays have already happened, and yet the end of the season still seems so ridiculously far away.

It’s here where the magic lies in NBA basketball, when you will see some of the purest battles this sport can offer. Mid-December is why I’m an NBA fan.

I’m sorry, let me explain: Basketball is very Zen. (Yes, this is why Phil does so well in this sport.)

Teams are constantly striving to achieve a “happy stasis” of high-level performance. They want to produce, to score, to win, and to do so relatively easily and with minimal effort. They want to create a vibe of success, something ‘60’s hipsters and Bill Walton could definitely understand.

That’s the essence of the sport, right there. The happy stasis, the success vibe.

Well, at this point in the season, the players and the teams are so damn weary of traveling, living

out of strange hotels, eating hit-or-miss room service, and getting themselves “up” for a high-level performance every other night that they reach this delirium, an NBA coma.

All they see is the court, all they know is basketball, because that’s the only thing familiar to them.

It’s a miserable and tedious process for the players….it's almost like war, what with the bunkering down and the constant time spent atpeak ability. And yes, sometimes teams just don’t show up for games. (New Orleans, I’m looking at you.)

But other times, you turn on the TV and two mid- or lower-level teams are just flowing. In a game that absolutely no one is watching,the two teams are passing fluidly, playing smart D, and hitting their shots cleanly. Every cut, every decision is the right one, and each bucket is countered, back and forth, until the tension is so constant and heavy that you can’t even feel it anymore. No one argues, no whistles blow. There are only attacks, counters, adjustments, and competition of the highest caliber. And everything else just fades away.

At that precise moment, it’s basketball euphoria. It’s beautiful.

Because we forget sometimes that these players in the NBA -the Vince Carters, the Charlie Villanuevas, and the other names we’ve heard repeatedly - they are more than multimillionaire personalities. They were, for a majority of their lives, better at basketball than anyone else they ever faced. And it’s not like basketball only took up alittle of their time growing up. They were constantly superior to everyone for most of their lives at the sole activity they participated in. I mean, imagine what that

does to someone psychologically!

Furthermore, these cream-of-the-crop players, their only job right now is to stay as fit as possible. And they get paid to do that. (Sometimes I wonder, what if someone gave me truckloads of money to get as fit as possible, rather than to work at a gym and write columns. I’d look like a completely different person. Hell, I’d be a completely different person. Where you punch in and out at your job, sitting and saturating in your cubicle, they are working out. Constantly. It blows themind.)

And in addition to getting in incredible shape, these human Megatrons practice and fine-tune over and over again, perfecting basketball. Striving to get better at something they were the best in the world in doing. Yes, I’m a paying customer, why do you ask?

And – this is my point – this is the time in the season when all the going-out, the parties, the family drama, the diaper-changing and vacuuming fades away, and these players are left with no distractions other than simply to do what they do best. They are currently living in a snow-globe of competition, of trying to be better. It encompasses their entire world. I would almost feel bad for them, if not for the fact that it’s absolutely amazing to watch.

And the rediculous amounts of money we throw at them.

But for a couple games in mid-December, all the production, all the glamour of television advertisements, Laker Girls and halftime shows just fades. It’s all meaningless.

At that point, you could be watching the Nets face the Kings, and it doesn’t matter. It’s the greatest thing you’ve ever seen. That’s why I watch, for these rare moments in mid-December.

A Guide to the Lakers' Ring Ceremony

2009-10-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

It was like a first date.

Awkward but exciting, familiar but rusty. It was a successfulfumbling with the best intentions. Andeveryone played defense with their hands.

The Lakers took the floor of the Staples Centeron Tuesday night, and received their championship rings in front of a crowdthat seemed weary from anticipation. Facingthe Clippers in a Homecoming-style game that meant far less than the ceremonypreceding it, the Lakers took care of business in a methodical andbusiness-like fashion.

Kobe’sshot was falling, even though his layups weren’t, and the rest he took thissummer was obvious in his play. LamarOdom showed off a vastly improved outside shot, and Andrew Bynum was producingdown low against Marcus Camby and Chris Kaman. Add the fact that Ron Artest didn’t come after me in the stands, and alltold it was a successful evening.

But the real story here was the ring ceremony.

The ceremony was a celebration of Laker-dom, featuringnumerous greats both past and present. Subdued but appreciative, it was a time of reflection for the Lakerstaff and crowd alike. Time was allottedfor each of the last eight championship teams to pay their respects to the newchampions, serving as a “rite of passage” for these players’ inclusion intoLaker history. The entire process was thickwith tradition, and respect.

But, it was aLaker game, so there was a fair share of purple and gold craziness to accompanythe reverence. It is LA, after all. You can’t have the cake without the sugar rush.

What follows is my first-hand account of the commotion andcamaraderie that is Lakers Opening Night, 2009.

6:25 pm – Driving on the 10 freeway to Staples. Between the traffic, the 55 MPH winds, anddodging the resulting debris, it seems like we were entering into one ofDante’s circles of Hell. This is thefunny thing about Southern California: wedon’t really get weather, but once every year we get our hair mussed up bythese random winds that come from nowhere, and hit us for no good reason. But hey, we spawned Perez Hilton, so maybeit’s payback from the Gods. If so, I canunderstand that.

6:30 pm – Downtown is a mess. Between the Michael Jackson movie premier,and the Laker ring presentation/season opener, the traffic around Staples movesmore slowly than a grandma going uphill. Though it is amusing to see the bus-sized black Hummers and Escaladesinching along, while I assume their drivers are sitting, peeved, behind theirnegative-10 tinted windows.

The big parking lot across from Staples is closed down forsome reason. This jacks up the prices ofall the lots in the surrounding areas, so I end up shelling out $20 for adouble-parked spot a solid four blocks away. And I nearly kill myself crossingthe street/running through traffic.

The Jackson premier is in theNokia Center, an outdoor amphitheater directlyacross from Staples on the Magic Statue side. In an attempt to classy-up the movie opening, the producers decided toput up a gigantic outdoor stage - complete with searchlights and six fullhanging chandeliers. In an effort tocompletely destroy the mood, God decided to make the winds funnel down thecorridor between the Staples Center and the Nokia Center,blowing the living hell out of the whole production, and making the chandeliersswing wildly around like gigantic lawn darts. I ducked into the ESPN Zone to get a beer.

6:33 pm – Cavs getting spackled by the Celtics. Good to see my analytical predictions inaction. Props to the fellow who checkedout the blog on his IPhone next to me, and to the two hyper ladies who sharedan awful champagne-and-grapefruit-vodka, NBA-sponsored drink with me. Good thing it was free.

6:35 pm – I pass Michael Cooper outside ESPN Zone. I said, “Sup, Coop!” and he said “Sup!”back. Still my favorite player of alltime, and he still looks like he could throw down a Coop-a-loop from Magic.

7:10 – Finally make it into Staples and take our seats. After giving a hug to my favorite usher andcatching up with some friends, I see the two Kardashian girls (Kim and Khloe)saunter in and settle into their seats…two rows in front of us. I say, “Welcome to the Laker family!” Khloe says “Thank you!”

I then spend the next couple minutes convincing my fatherthat Hollywoodis, sadly, bigger than the Lakers, and that is why we are currently gettingmobbed by people wanting some Kardashian action. (Kardashi-action?)

7:21 pm – The Lakers and the Clippers are warming up, butthen the Lakers video cues up on the Jumbotron, and the Clippers follow suit byheading back to the locker rooms. Thisall must be very strange for them…another team getting championship rings ontheir home floor. It’s like a partybeing thrown at your house, but you’re not invited.

And, on that matter, I lament the fact that Blake “Superior”Griffin isout. I don’t care that he plays for theworst franchise in professional sports. Whenever a league’s top draft pick is out of action for opening night,it hurts that league. Unfortunately, theNBA has had that distinction for two of the last three years. Blake has the potential to be a 22/12powerhouse. I hope for a quick and fullhealing process for the fellow who put down the nastiest dunk of the preseason.

7:23 pm – The Larry O’Brien trophy is awkwardly wheeled outto center court, as is Commissioner David Stern. The Commish makes a bungled and haphazardspeech that I believe he made up on the spot. Honestly, he’s done this speech every year. How does he not know it by heart? It should be like Mad Libs to him by now…justfill “Lakers” in the blank spots, buddy. We can only tell he’s done when he walks off the court and hands in hismicrophone.

7:25 pm – The Lakers parade out the past champions. In order:

-Jerry West, 1972

-Norm Nixon, 1980

-Jamaal Wilkes, 1982

-Big Game James Worthy, 1985

-Coop, 1987

-Magic, 1988

-AC Green, 2000

-Rick Fox, 2001 (I think…people were still cheering forMagic. Could have been anyone.)

-Robert Horry, 2002 (Creepy – he is standing exactly wherehe hit The Horry Shot. And I am standingwhere I was, too. Should we hug?)

Magic addresses the crowd, thanks them, and recognizes JerryBuss in his private luxury box. Yes,Jerry should be at center court with his players. But we all know he is eccentric and aloof,and we give him the standing ovation anyway. Personally, I’m surprised he showed up, and wasn’t at a casino, playingpoker somewhere.

The whole presentation is classy, classy, classy. Everyone is acknowledged, and in turn theyall acknowledge the current Laker team and the fans. It is warm and fuzzy, like a B-Grade romanticcomedy, except Matthew McConaughey is thankfully MIA. At first, I was worried about the absence ofTex Winter, the legendary architect of the Triangle Offense and, in my opinion,basketball royalty. But at the end ofthe third quarter, he was led by four Laker Girls to center court, where hereceived his ring along with one of the most heartfelt extended standingovations I’ve ever seen. (Stay healthy, Tex.)

7:29 pm – They start handing out the rings to Lakerpersonnel. First guy up: the massagetherapist, a wormy little dude who looks wholly out of place and nervous. They proceed through the trainers andassistant coaches, eventually reaching Phil Jackson, who makes sure to shakethe hand of every person announced before him.

7:30 pm – The 08-09 Lakers. In order:

-Adam Morrison (yes, he is first. Since Kobeis last, what exactly does this say?)

-Josh Powell

-DJ MBenga

-Shannon “The Cannon” Brown(I just made that up. You’re welcome.)

-The Machine

-Luke Walton

-Jordan Farmar (so, it looks like they are keeping thesethree together. Let’s hope for tradepurposes.)

-Andrew Bynum

-Lamar Odom

-PauGasol

-Derek Fisher

-KobeBryant

Derek waits for Kobeto come out, and as captains, they go through the roster and shake everyplayer’s hand wholeheartedly. Then, Kobe holds up the pinkyto the crowd. I’m guessing it’s his“fourth ring” sign, which comes across as clever and understated. (Could have been another finger, right?)

7:36 pm – Fish addresses the crowd, thanks them for all thecontinued support, and basically nominates himself for Coach, Commissioner, andPresident of Player Personnel by just being a wholesome dude. He leads the crowd through the countdown of3…2…1…BANNER UNVEILING to “I Love LA.” Andeverything is right in the world.

(Thank goodness they got rid of the LA Avengers banner sothey had a place to put this one.)

7:39 pm – As the Legends walk off the floor, Magic makes astop at the Kardashians, and gives Khloe a big bear hug. Hrm…maybe thatis how I should have welcomed Artest into the Laker family.

7:45 pm – This is the announced tip-off time, and the Clipsare just taking the floor for their second warm-up session. And let me say, Baron Davis looks svelte. Slender, agile, and beard-licious. This is a formidable team, and if they make the playoffs by 2012, then Ido believe the apocalypse is coming. (Post-game: Baron finishes 1-for-10, 2points. Maybe he needed the extraweight.)

7:48 pm – Good to see the real refs again. I’m ready to be refreshingly infuriated bythem. “The devil you know”, and allthat.

7:50 pm – Ron Artest grabs the microphone, and the guybehind me goes “Uh-oh.” He addresses thecrowd, and I believe my notes sum it up well: “Artest – Graffiti head – unintelligible speech – probably for thebest.”

7:51 pm – Bynum wins the tip, and the 09-10 Laker seasonbegins.

At this point, the game proceeds much as you wouldthink. The Lakers, like a sports carbeing driven for the first time in six months, are a mess of sloppy energy andmisfires, keeping the game just close enough to maintain interest beforeturning it on in the 4^th.

Other than Denzel walking by the Kim/Khloe tandem and theworld nearly exploding, the rest of the night was relatively uneventful.

Heading out of the Staples Centerafter the game, there is no hollering, no Lakers chants. Just a quiet procession back to ourvehicles. An opening-night victory isnice, but expected. For the Lakers,their fans, and the franchise and community as a whole, the message isclear. It is time to do business. The regular season has begun.

The Next Movement: Respect for Aged Superstars

2009-10-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

Now is the time of the aging superstar.

The veteran MVP. The injured scoring leader. The first-ballot Hall of Famer coming off of the bench. Once upon a time, these players drove the league and led jersey sales. They put up record stats as the face of their franchise and carried their teams deep into the playoffs. They were met with our undying love and adoration.

But now, the latest generation of greats has reached the point when they can no longer produce at the highest level.

It’s difficult to say that you’ve already seen the best out of somebody, already witnessed the culmination of their talents. You’ve idolized this person. Defended them against haters. Found stats that helped prove your case, and referenced historic ballers who kept playing at a high level deep into their golden years, just to keep faith alive.

Like John Stockton. Kareem. And, well…Charles Oakley?

Inside, you know. Call it the end of an era, the passing of the torch. All their skills, all their talents will inevitably decline. It happened before, to the likes of Magic, Bird, and Dr. J…and it happened when they came into the league as well. The new, younger breed will step in, mature, and take the place of the old guard. Like true six-million dollar men, they will jump higher. Run faster. And they will play better than your all-time favorite player.

Inside, you know. It is time for the fresh faces to drive the league. It’s just depends on whether you can let go in time.

* * *

Think back six years ago, to the summer of 2004. Kobe and Shaq had just parted ways, though there was deliberation as to who was better at the time. Kevin Garnett was in Minnesota, having just led the league in double-doubles on his way to the ’04 MVP. Allen Iverson was scoring at a historic pace in Philly, Steve Nash had just left Dirk Nowitzki in Dallas for the valley of the Suns, Tim Duncan was putting up career numbers in San Antonio, and Jason Kidd’s Nets were still the beast of the East.

In a year from now, not one of these players will be producing anywhere near their 2004 levels. Some have already seen a major drop in their production. Others will see a decline soon, probably a drastic one. Other than possibly Kobe, I’d wager that none of these 2004 standouts will be in uniform four years from now.

These guys were the league. They drove revenue. They were in the conversations that included the words “best ever”. They won championships, MVPs, struck fear in their opponents, and produced at unreal levels for over a decade.

Now? An afterthought. Dirk has been a shell of himself after the championship run in 2006. Though Kobe is still putting up stellar numbers, his scoring average is down five PPG from two years ago, and almost ten from the ’05-’06 season. Brittle Nash and Duncan will probably lose major chunks of the season to injury, not to mention Garnett’s already shaky left knee. Iverson, for all his bravado, will probably come off the bench for a .500 team this season. And some say Shaq - quite possibly the best center we will ever see - will actually make the Cavs worse than last year.

Defend them, sure, but enjoy them all you can. In the shadows of the Wades, Dwight Howards, and LeBrons of the world, the days of the aging superstars are numbered.

And just wait until Kevin Durant’s crew really gets going.

I’ve never been satisfied with the way the public tosses aside all-world talent in favor of the Next Big Thing. This is especially true in football, where running backs may lead the league one year, and are cast aside the next (think Larry Johnson, Ladanian Tomlinson, even Steven Jackson…and yes, I realize two of those are NBA names). It just takes a bit longer in basketball.

The toll of 40+ minutes a night, night in and night out. 100+ game seasons. Offseason Olympics. And what do they get once they hit the twilight of their careers?

If you’re the leading scorer of all-time, you get a rocking chair. Anything less, and your enormous ego – the one that helped your confidence thus far - usually gets you ostracized by your team. If all goes well, perhaps you quietly slip away, into the anonymity of team management or car-dealer ownership.

And that is no way for a hero to go down.

* * *

If it were up to me, there would be decorations for later-year players. Something like a life-time achievement award, or stripes for an army general, but while the players are still significant. Roll with me on this one for a minute.

For example, I would retire Kobe’s jersey right now. (Yes, #24. Not #8.) Even with all the drama over his Colorado fiasco, his feuding with Shaq, and his tantrums early-on, there is no denying that he’s delivered for the Laker franchise. Four championships, an MVP, scoring titles, and yes, veteran team leadership.

It’s not commonplace to retire his jersey early. But it’s going to happen eventually, so why not do it when he’s still near the top of his game?

Kobe Bryant defined this decade of basketball. You can’t really argue with that. And in this era of free agency, when players hardly stay with the same team anymore, this would pay tribute to that achievement. If he or, say, Tim Duncan were to get their jerseys raised at the start of next season, as an honor, would you really have a problem with it?

It wouldn’t hurt anyone. It’s respectful. Besides, if

Jordan

can play with a statue of himself outside the United Center, then Kobe can handle seeing his number in the rafters.

Yes, NBA players get the benefit of many aspects of society. They are healthy, famous multi-millionaires who, in their heyday, are celebrated on a global scale. But considering the decades of injuries and financial troubles that so often become a part of their post-basketball lives, I say why not cherish them now. Celebrate them. And, if appropriate, honor your aging superstar in a way that is both considerate and, best of all, genuine.

I’m fairly sure I’m ok with this idea. But don’t worry, Laker fans, Shaq’s jersey can wait.

In Defense of the Refs: An Official Plea

2009-10-13T06:13:00.000-07:00

Being an NBA referee is a thankless job.

You get screamed at. You get in the way. You’re pushed, goaded, bumped, and head-butted. Every time you blow the whistle, someone disagrees with your call. And every time you don’t, well, they disagree with that too.

And the reward? The fans learn your name, just so they can boo your introduction, and yell at you more accurately next game.

These folks are up there with tax collectors and telemarketers when it comes to hatred by the common man. They are constant targets of media scrutiny (this writer included), and are never conveyed in a positive light. Then, one of them happens to be working for the mob, and the wheels fall off the carnival ride.

But let’s take a stroll in their regulation black-pleather Reeboks for a moment. If any of we were to take the abuse of the zebras on a day-to-day basis, we would either check ourselves into the nuthouse or torch our office buildings. Either way, it wouldn’t be too productive to the situation.

I mean, consider your job. Now, consider it in front of 18,000 live fans, most of whom are voicing their concern in ways that are near-criminal in abuse. Perfection is demanded from you, but the job requires both an active interpretation of the rules, and a split-second interpretation of what actually happened in front of you.

Realistically, would you even apply to this job?

The salary for an NBA referee lies between $90,000 and $225,000. While this is hardly poverty-level, consider the travel time, the high-profile nature of the position, the need for level-headedness in the tensest of situations. Throw in the fact that millions of people – literally millions – care about each and every call you make, and demand that you are the most knowledgeable and experienced in your field.

All told, I’d venture that these folks are undercompensated.

* * *

The NBA referees entered into a lockout situation on October 1st of this year. Their replacements (adorned with shameful triple-digit numbers, ew!) have experience in both the college and professional levels, some of whom had been let go by the NBA in the past.

Let me channel Joni Mitchell when I say, “you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.”

I can’t say the new refs were dreadful, though it seemed like they were. I can’t say they made numerous mistakes, though it seemed like they did. In the natural ebb and flow of the game, there appeared to be hiccups aplenty. And I don’t doubt that the calls they made were based on actual events – yes, Andrew Bynum slid his pivot foot – but it seemed like there were just so many of them.

In the game I watched, Stephen Jackson had five fouls in 10 minutes. For a while, there were more whistles than points on the board. Now, how is that entertaining? Would a fan truly go to see this game, if they knew it would be like this?

The NBA: It’s Foul-tastic!

It leads me to believe that, on any given possession, there are a number of violations that could be whistled and aren’t. Players get away with the lesser calls, the “ticky-tack” and the circumstantial. Three seconds in the key, or maybe a screen wasn’t set perfectly. The old guard of referees called only what they absolutely had to, in order to keep the game at its natural progression.

And I guarantee the players used that to their advantage. But the refs knew it, and handled it accordingly, with verbal warnings such as “get out of the key, 21” and “watch that hand-check”, banter that can’t be taught in a three-week preseason seminar.

Now, we are starting at ground zero. This is by-the-book; this is how the refs are taught to call a game. And it’s going to take some time getting used to, as proven by the influx of technical fouls given thus far.

It’s affecting the product. It’s lowering the value of the game. I say, give the refs the money, already, and let’s get back to basketball as usual.

* * *

The real issue here is the fact that the refereeing system needs an upheaval, and public respect is as good a place to begin as any. Before we have a greater level of accountability (the eventual goal here) the public needs to understand that we are getting the best product possible. Take away that level of expertise, and the fans will finally know what they are missing.

The lockout will have a far greater effect than expected - whether or not the effect is eventual positive, well, that remains to be seen.

This is how it’s going to play out: the refs can’t go more than a month or so without pay, especially in this economic climate. Their mortgages and families will become more important than their hard-line stance for a pay increase. They will eventually come back to work, and the triple-digit replacements will be no more.

But if this lockout continues deep into the regular season, the difference in game outcomes will be directly affected. Blown calls will determine games, and they will do so from very early on. Players may be fined and suspended for their arguing, and the top-tier teams will find themselves on the losing side of games they ordinarily would have won.

Basically, cellar-dwellers will begin to beat the elite. Catchy, isn’t it?

As Kenyon Martin said to Fanhouse, "I'm going to get suspended in the first month of the season. I'm going to have 15 technicals in the first month just for the simple fact that [replacement refs] don't know how I run my mouth…The game is going to be terrible with those replacements."

And we’ve only begun the preseason. Think about the player outcry when the games actually matter?

The way to fix all this is simple. Namely, avoid the whole thing, and the sooner the better. Anyone following the preseason now realizes the difference between the top-60 officials and the next batch, and that’s a large, bitter vitamin for the league to swallow. The lockout refs have made their point, and they have done so with remarkable clarity.

The game suffers without us. David Stern, you forced us to prove it. Now you know.

So, give them their money. Call the lockout an extended summer vacation, and let’s forget the whole thing ever happened.

Besides, we miss knowing who we’re heckling.

Old School Love: The Great Western Forum

2009-10-06T06:42:00.001-07:00

(In honor of the Lakers heading back to The Forum on Friday night to play one preseason game against the Warriors, here's a post from 10/11/09 discussing the historic arena. If you are looking for the Ron Artest post, see the original Open Letter and the response )

From 1967 until 1999, the Lakers and Kings made the LA Forum their home. Brainchild of the famous owner Jack Kent Cook, the Forum was the seat of stardom, the place for celebrities and royalty alike.

Like a precipice of success, it rose suddenly out of the Inglewood asphalt, lunging immediately upwards like so many LA careers, and upon a foundation of ivory columns, cool shades and blonde hair, it crested skyward to plateau somewhere high overhead. It was the "Wailing Wall" of sports venues, a holy place of fan-dom, an arena where the Gods performed and partied together.

Hey, man, it was the Eighties in LA. It was electric. You have to trust me on this.

The journey to the Forum was much like the descent into a deep dream. From the sullied Inglewood streets, you made your way past the neon beer signs and Spanish billboards, keeping the car doors locked (unfairly) until the tight city walls opened up Hollywood Park. Though it was dark out, the lights gleaned and music was blaring, but never a tune you had heard before.

Suddenly, a barrage of unexpected imagery flashes before you. Amidst a Chevy Nova rolls an unsuspecting Bently, so dark and smooth you almost missed it. The street you were driving on changes from South Prairie to the Avenue of the Champions, and yet you never changed direction. A vendor rushes your window, selling t-shirts of athletes with gigantic heads.

Most of the shirts have "Champs" written on them. In purple.

Planes rumble past you, but you can never tell which direction they're coming from. Then, as you merge through traffic, you can suddenly see the sky. No stars. They're all inside already.

As you pull out of traffic, you see it. The Great Western Forum, a ridiculous round toadstool of a place, with white columns that crest off of the structure like a breaking wave.

And it is massive. Not only that, but there's absolutely nothing around it. A pure anomaly on the LA skyline.

As you walk in, everyone is shouting, hooting, making noise. It's like a tribal ritual, or a school field trip…with 30-year-olds. Security was always jovial in those pre-9/11 days, acting less like the gatekeepers and more like a friendly smack on the ass to get you inside.

The first thing that hits you is the noise. Man, it is loud in here. The place is pure acoustics, the food area all stone and tile, and everyone is shouting something. Plus, the Laker Band can be heard from everywhere.

And they're playing the theme to Rocky. You hear it once, it will never leave you.

Get to your seats, with your assortment of hot dogs and beer, and even in this time of pre-fluorescent lighting, the place is alive with colors. Everything pops, from the orange and yellow seats, to the crazy hair colors, and of course to the Purple and Gold on the floor below.

Every game is a red carpet, with the usual suspect celebrities strolling, nonchalant, past their likewise nonchalant counterparts. This, plus the basketball, was the game. It was a celebration of fame, of success, of enjoyment in gathering to watch the best basketball ever be played. The players, well, they were part of the action.

Not to say that it wasn't a basketball crowd. It's just that everything in the Forum was to excess. When we supported the Lakers, it was a life-consuming ordeal. To cheer was to scream until it was suffocation, and we knew just when to do it. The Forum fans not only knew their rules, they knew their surges, and saw plays develop way before they actually happened.

We were clairvoyant. It makes the actual happening all the more enjoyable.

Leaving the Forum was to leave happy, fulfilled, accomplished. There was a lot of success going on under that roof, and everyone was involved. We were ready for anything, but then again, living with earthquakes will do that to you.
When the LA franchises moved out of the Forum, it was understood. It was an economic inevitability, the next level in a city that was desperate for what's new. What we lost in intimacy we gained in skyboxes and California Pizza Kitchen.

The experience was different; we were now coddled, but the love was still there.

Today, the Forum stands more as a monument to those days in the Eighties. Commercials are shot there, and rock bands still perform. (Not new bands, mind you.) And like the Devil's Tower in Wyoming, it stands, ageless yet aging, a symbolic plateau for an elevated and spiritual time.
Maybe, before it decays like its inspiration in Rome, the Lakers can run through that narrow corridor one last time, to beat those hollow walls with the aura of sweat and success, to spank some hapless opponent till they get stars in their eyes. Let the Great Western Forum breathe success again.

In this time of national turmoil, maybe a little Eighties LA is called for. Besides, we could all use another holy experience.

Reactions to The Open Letter

2009-10-05T05:23:00.000-07:00

“By the way, The guy who wrote the letter emailed me. I cursed him out and he apologized. See , I don't kiss ass. Cont..”

-ThugRaider37 (aka Ron Artest)

First, let me thank Ron Artest for responding to The Open Letter. Through the help of Truehoop.com and the LA Times' Lakers blog, word got out. (UPDATE: It was me who emailed the blog to Ron Artest.) The hope was to put forth a letter of explanation before Ron took The Open Letter out of context, and to provide a little background about myself and Laker fans like me.

Let me state that I will continue to root for Ron Artest throughout this season, no matter his level of dislike for me. Because he is on my favorite team, and that’s how fandom works. Hell, if I can accept Karl Malone, I can accept Ron Artest.

As I realize The Open Letter was taken as a criticism by some, this post is for clarification. It was written with the hope that Ron Artest can become a leader in the locker room, a valuable contributor on the floor, and an eventual champion. But it also touched upon Ron’s history (which is not exactly clean) and the track record of previous players who may not have lived up to their potential in the purple and gold. (See: Isaiah Rider).

It was meant to help Ron get in the right mindset for the upcoming season. It was not meant as a critique. And if some folks took it in that vein, for that I do apologize.

What follows is my e-mail chain with Artest.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Kyle Slavin to shinshinartest (Ron’s Email)
Oct 3 (1 day ago)

Hey Ron-
First of all, welcome to the Lakers. I've been a Laker life-long fan, and I'm pretty stoked at having you join the purple and gold. I think you will fit in and do very well this season, man.

The reason I'm writing you is this: I recently posted "An Open Letter to The Real Ron Artest" that just got linked by ESPN's Truehoop blog. It's a compassionate plea to you, and it's getting some attention.

I'm gonna be straight with you - it is a little critical. I wasn't evil or ill-willed, just very assertive when I stress the importance of playing "right" this year...namely, being a leader and a model veteran, and playing into the system. It wasn't a warning in any way, but I definitely laid down the law.

You can read it for yourself at TSCblogs.com.

So, please read the whole thing. I hope you get the essence that I want you to succeed, and I will definitely be rooting for you (starting Wednesday at the Forum) but that you are entering into something bigger than yourself.

I have a lot of love for this franchise, and I just want you to understand the love - not only that, but the history behind that love - that exists nowhere else in the NBA.

Stay strong, play hard, and you can win this whole city over, brother. You are already going strong. Keep it up, man.

And I hope you're not too upset over the post.

Lakers forever.

-Kyle Slavin
Writer, Creator
TSCblogs.com
-------------------------------------------------------------
First Reply, within 20 minutes:
Shin Shin Coming Soon to me
Oct 3 (1 day ago)

No law when it comes to me.
I let you type critics write and I just keep it hood.
That will never change.
I am not kissing no ones ass because I'm in LA. Suck a cock.
-------------------------------------------------------------
My Response (admittedly, I tried to tone down my syntax into online-speak):
Kyle Slavin to Shin
Oct 3 (1 day ago)

No, no, Ron! I was saying that I really want you to do well, dude! WTF, don't tell me to suck a cock! I wanna ROOT FOR YOU. I want you to SUCCEED, and I want you to WIN US A CHAMPIONSHIP! All these things are good for you! I don't want you to kiss anyone's ass! You're a LAKER now. Act like one!

Jesus, did you read the article?

What the hell man!

-kyle
-------------------------------------------------------------
His response:
Shin Shin Coming Soon to me
Oct 3 (1 day ago)

Ok
Sorry bout that
-------------------------------------------------------------
At this point, I’d like you readers to take a peek at the top of this post. Ron Artest may have cussed me out, but I have not apologized. I stand by my original letter.

It’s a pity that Ron does not realize that I am not a “hater”. Does a “hater” ask him for his best production? Does a “hater” want him to do well? If he is an All-Star this year, both of us are happy. I reiterated many times that I would be rooting for him, urging him to be his best and to lead the Lakers to another Finals berth. And by “lead”, I mean with both his play and his veteran leadership. One would think that these are goals that Artest would have as well.

I am disappointed in the way Artest has either chosen to ignore this point, or missed it completely.

I am not a “hater” Ron. I appreciate your skills and your talent, and I want them to shine in LA. What I do not envy is your lack of appreciation for us fans who look up to you, and wish to get the most out of you.

You should value those fans above the ones that blindly follow you, defending everything you do by rote. That is not a fan base. That is an entourage.

And I only do that for the Lakers.
***
What follows are Ron Artest’s tweets about The Open Letter, and a response to each. Again, my thanks to everyone who brought it up to him.

RT @TheAngelsAnna: LAKERS FAN READ THIS OPEN LETTER TO RON ARTEST - I'm gonna write an open letter to my haters in 5 mins.
(Still waiting on it, Ron. And I’m not a hater.)

By the way, The guy who wrote the letter emailed me. I cursed him out and he apologized. See , I don't kiss ass. Cont..
(Nope, on two counts. I never apologized. And you are currently kissing the asses of your twitter public by misleading them, aren’t you?)

Sometimes people write good things about me and I say suck ....!!! See, I don't care if someone likes or hate me. I love my fam and fans!
(You DON’T suck. That was never my point. And I’m glad that you don’t care. After all, I’m a blogger, and you make millions playing for my favorite team. I definitely would rather be in your shoes. I just wish you were more open to encouragement.)

RT @VioletKanian: how did @thugraider37 respond to the open letter the laker fan wrote him? Ask him
(Ron Artest cussed me out yesterday. It was kinda cool!)

***
In closing, the sole purpose for this whole exercise was the hope that Ron Artest would play well this season. I went to the blogosphere to voice the opinion that a strong character and veteran leadership would go a long way towards that goal, and that the days of tantrums and acting out would not be acceptable. I’m sure his coaches would say the same.

I do wish Ron Artest and his teammates the best of luck this season. And I really hope he makes it to the end of this post to read it. Maybe, just maybe, he will take it to heart.

Lakers forever.

UPDATED
Folks-

I have read your comments, and I can see that I have been less than saintly in my posting on this topic. Though I still believe that Mr. Artest's comments were brash and unwarranted, I see now that I have done my fair share in inviting them upon myself.

I would like to publicly and officially apologize to both Mr. Artest and my readers, not only for airing out my grievances in plain sight, but for bringing any ill feelings towards Mr. Artest. It is not my place to tell any one how to do their job, and I see that I did not treat Mr. Artest with the respect he deserves, not only as a pro, but as I would wish be treated.

I am sorry.

Just as Ron is not bigger than the Lakers, neither am I, and I know I carry much less influence than Ron. Call it excitement/fear/anticipation of the upcoming season, I don't know. But it was not fair, and I realize that. It went too far.

Keep your comments coming. I'm going to be contacting Henry Abbott over at Truehoop soon about putting up a disclaimer concerning my actions leading up to and including this blog post.

Just as players should be accountable, so should we.

Kyle Slavin

An Open Letter to The Real Ron Artest

2009-10-02T07:35:00.000-07:00

This is an open call to The Real Ron Artest. The passionate, well-versed, clever and witty Ron Artest. The one who holds hands, builds houses for troubled families, and takes thirty-someodd kids to a Sparks WNBA game on a whim. The guy who is saying all the right things for the media this offseason, despite more face time than the Kardashians got Booty-time. Yo, Ron. You paying attention?

Great. Now I'd like to call out to The Other Ron Artest. The bench-clearing, flagrant-foul-givin', Palace pouncer that is one part vindication and two parts low blows. The Terrell Owens of the NBA, except after Terrell makes his inevitable foray into the WWE. I'm talking to Ron Artest the enforcer, the shot-hoister, the stat-filler and coach killer.

You both listening? Good. We need each of you on board for this one.

Let me be absolutely clear: you absolutely cannot mess this season up. You fail here, and you will never redeem your career again. You ruin this good thing we have going in LA, and the rest of your basketball days will be tarnished by it. In LA, we fans run deep. We know our basketball, we know our history, and we have more than a passing interest in the Lake Show. We will be here longer than you. We have more influence than you. Win us over, and you will be a Hall of Famer. Lose our faith, and you will never see this level of love again.

Think Cedric Ceballos. Nick Van Exel. Smush Parker. There's a lot of ways this could go, and a lot of ways this could go badly. And Rons, that applies to both of you.

***

Let me first say that we, as a Laker fanbase, have faith in you. We see the skills. Hell, you played in our division for a couple years now, and much of your shot-hocking Iversonian reputation was garnered from the fact you had to carry crap teams that couldn’t score for themselves. You were their only option on offense, and their best defender. We saw it, too. Yes, we want you on our team.

But, as we had both televisions and were conscious this last decade, we’ve all seen what you can do if things don’t go your way. And if they remember you in Chicago, and in Indiana, just think about how they will remember you here. We still get shivers when we hear the name Kermit, and that was over thirty years ago.

As of now, Staples is an antic-free zone. No huffing, no tantrums. Don’t even roll your eyes. Keep your head down and do your damn job. Because you, Rons, have a real coach now, and teammates that will call you on your BS.

In Sacramento and Houston, you were the story no matter what happened. In LA, the Lakers are the story, Kobe is the lead, and you play the enemy who defected to help the Allies. You have our hesitant trust. But we need some collateral from you first, and it needs to come on the hardwood.

Nothing matters more to us, and nothing should matter more to you, than production in purple and gold.

***

So, what is it that we expect out of Ron Artests? Well, we’re not stupid. We know you are good because of your tenacity, Rons. Without that, you wouldn’t be as successful or as capable on the court…you wouldn’t be an All Star. We want you to go balls-out, to be everywhere, to be confident. Cuz that’s you, man! So, dunk on people. Foul hard. Hustle. That’s the guy we signed, we expect that from you, and we will understand the repercussions.

But sometimes, it’s hard to leash in that tenacity.

Basically, we can tolerate a flagrant foul here and there. We can deal with a couple tech’s from arguing calls over the course of a season. We will look past your shorty-shorts. We won’t even mind it if you call out other teams, like when you challenged Houston this offseason, saying you won’t shoot once, just D the hell out of everyone on the court.

We dig that. That’s awesome. And we need that on this Laker team, because if we have one vulnerability, it’s the occasional tendency to be pushed around.

I want you to D-up Andrew Bynum in practice, and teach him to become a force down low. I want you to take Jordan Farmar and Sasha Vujacic into a closed room, emerging only when they have learned defense and rotations. I want you, Luke Walton, and Lamar Odom to go down to the ESPN Zone and buy drinks for people on a Friday night, and not only because it would be hilarious to see.

I want you to praise Phil. I want you to compliment your teammates. Be embarrassed at losses, be humble in victory.

And these are all things that are completely in your power, Rons. These are goals that can be accomplished. And if you do these things, I will promise you now, we will have at least one more championship, and your number will be in the rafters, retired next to the best ballers ever.

How’s that sound to you two?

That is your goal. Positive influence. Leadership. Veteran know-how. Be our Ray Lewis, lead the defensive rotation (but don’t kill anyone). Strike fear in your opponents whenever they head your way. Spread the offense and hit your threes. This is what we ask of you.

And no one cares if you Tweet or not during all this. If it keeps you happy, so be it. Tweet to your heart’s content. But your words will be more powerful with a ring on your finger.

***

There’s a reason I am writing this open letter to both of you. It’s because we Laker fans are not sure which one of you is going to show up. And I’ll be honest: we’re scared of you.

You could single-handedly blow up this Laker championship team. Even though we won playing at about 75% of our potential last season, there are bigger fish to fry this year. Cleveland. Boston. Even San Antonio has gotten better. One tantrum, or one quote about your lack of confidence in the team could upset the balance of this Laker season.

Talent-wise, this is one of the most gifted teams in Laker history, which puts them in the running for the most talented all-time. But sanity-wise? With passive-aggressive Phil at the helm, obsessive-compulsive Kobe leading the charge, and now Ron Artest?

Ron, and other Ron, we don’t need any more jalapeños in this chili. Add some spice, but don’t kill the flavor, please. There are millions of fans and dedicated followers that are holding their breath on your performance, not to mention the 29 other teams that are gunning for the target on the Laker's backs this season. They will test you, they will provoke you. Do not fall victim to being, well, you.

In return, all past transgressions will be forgotten, and you will be warmly welcomed into the arms of the NBA legends.

Which is something I believe all three of us can agree on.

The Great Big Season Preview (Part 3)

2009-08-28T07:11:00.001-07:00

Here we go, the final portion of TSC’s 3-part season preview. We’ve already made it through the first 20 teams in Part 1 and Part 2, and we’ve saved many of the heavy hitters for this last post. Again, each team is assigned a memorable quote from Grosse Point Blank and analyzed. Feel free to chat it up and express how wrong we are in the comment section.

10. Paul: [after Jenny Slater has been dismissive towards him] I was just trying to get a little validation for my life. I guess I came up a bit SHORT!

Team: The Orlando Magic. This is in response to Stan Van Gundy using Vince Carter’s signing as an opportunity to say how underappreciated the Magic are by the media. "For a team that went to the Finals, we really haven't gotten the respect teams normally do,'' Van Gundy said. "Based upon what we did last year, I think our players do feel a little underappreciated and under respected.''

Yes, Stan. You have truly been wronged. Not one single media member stood up for you. Just find solace in the fact that you will have a league-high amount of nationally-televised games to prove us wrong.

Oh wait, the television coverage is part of the media? Like, a big part? Like almost all of it? My B.

The Magic earned this blogger’s praise last year with their chess-like approach to the game, which effectively locked down most of the NBA last season. They won 59 games, one off their franchise record from 1995-96. It was an admirable effort – they truly made a quality showing, advancing far further than many of us had expected.

But let’s look at the facts. They were a break-out team last year, and during the Finals they got a lot of coverage. With coverage comes analysis. Dwight Howard’s lack of interior game was exposed, as was the rest of the team’s reliance on the three-pointer. Force them into mid-range jumpers, and the Magic are in trouble.

Plus, this system was absolutely perfect for Hedo Turkoglu. He could sit back and nail open 3’s, and on defense he could afford to let his man drive directly into Dwight’s paint without major repercussions. (In Toronto, he won’t have that luxury. He has reached his peak, mark my words.) So, you add Vince Carter, the former freak show of a dunker. Notice I use the word “former.”

Vince isn’t coach-friendly. He’s not set-offense-friendly. He’s not friendly at all, basically. If asked to rely upon the offense to create his shots for him (as it does for the J.J. Reddick’s and Rashad Lewis’s of the world), he will defiantly say, well, you know where to shove your offense. And he will shoot off-balance twenty-footers while complaining to the refs. And he will not dunk. Trust me, he will not dunk. So have you really improved?

The lineup looks formidable, and they may win around 55 games or so again. But remember, the East is much stronger this year. Stan, sorry buddy, but the secret is out.
Last Season: 59-23 Projected: 55-27

9. Debi: What is this I'm feeling? Is it pain? Panic? Hunger? Am I hungry? Who's hungry?

Team: The Indiana Pacers. Indiana, I implore you, what exactly is your deal? Last year, I boasted that you would upset the high seeds left and right. Oh, wait, that did happen. Awesome. So, what’s with this horrible record?

As a league, we have realized that Danny Granger is a superstar. He was rewarded by an All-Star appearance and the NBA Most-Improved award, and he looks to only improve further in the coming years. But if he toils away on an underachieving team, and no one is there to see it, did he really accomplish anything?

I’m going to state it plainly: the other players on the Pacers are jokes. Space-fillers. Injury-ridden flame-outs and players who never had any promise to begin with. TJ Ford? Mike Dunleavy Jr.? Their maximum ceiling was to act as a team’s sixth-man at best, and even then only while healthy. Which they never are. Roy Hibbert showed his ability to foul out often and quickly. Jeff Foster and Troy Murphy…well, I always get them mixed together, but I know one of them shoots too many 3’s, and neither of them do much more than get offensive rebounds. Which makes sense, since there’s so many misses.

And their off-season acquisitions? An athletic head-case in Dahntay Jones, and an unathletic and under-sized post in Tyler Hansborough. At least they made it easy to root for them.

I’m on your side, Indiana. I really am. I would like nothing more than for Danny Granger to become the most successful Danny since Manning or DeVito. I really wish you had a pass-happy guard like Jameer Nelson or Stave Nash, and a post like Yao or Dwight to keep defenses honest. But you don’t. And you won’t. Your career is going to be a long and tedious splitting of triple-teams and too many 3-pointers, with a field goal % far worse than it should really be.

But no one will be watching, so you can say it just never happened. Cool?
Last Season: 36-46 Projected: 30-52

8. Paul: Okay, well, I'll see you at the "I've peaked and I'm kidding myself" party.

Team: The Cleveland Cavaliers. This quote is so appropriate, it’s spooky. Please don’t paint me as a bitter Laker fan if I say that Shaq is the worst thing that could have happened to Cleveland. Why? First, his resurgence last year was two-parts Phoenix’s training staff, who was able to paste together Grant Hill into a working unit, and one part Steve Nash getting Shaq the ball inches from the hoop. He will have neither of those in Cleveland. Instead, he has a shooting guard playing point, and team full of guys who prefer to shoot than pass.

To be simple, honest and blunt: Cleveland, Shaq is why LeBron will leave you.

Shaq will play 50 games during the regular season, maximum. He will whine and cry when he doesn’t get the ball, and make clever quips about how high his percentage is even though he creates nothing for himself, and about how he really isn’t that out of shape (even though he spent the entire summer filming non-basketball-related TV shows.) Both he and Zydrunas Ilgauskas - who had limited production last year – will miss time at some point, meaning that Anderson Varejao will have to play some center this season.

And this brings me to my favorite point: it means that Leon Powe will back up Varejao. Yes, Cleveland, Leon Powe will spend some time next year playing center on your squad, a team that hopes to win the championship within a one-year window. Him, or J.J. Hickson, but I thought you’d want the 6’9” guy with at least some Finals experience.

It’s an experiment. It’s a gamble. It’s possible that it works out for Cleveland, and O’Neal actually has enough gas left in the tank to battle Dwight in Orlando and KG/Rasheed Wallace/Kendrick Perkins in Boston. But it’s also possible – more so, in my opinion – that the whole ship crashes and burns like a Shaq-shaped Hindenburg.

LeBron is the X-factor, of course. As I said last season, he could average a triple-double this year, he could average 40 ppg, he could be the first dude to lead the league in assists and blocks in the same season. (They didn’t keep block stats for Wilt or Bill Russell.) Anything could happen with ‘Bron, and I wouldn’t be surprised. He is the best day-by-day player I’ve ever seen. Yes. The best. He doesn’t have the killer instinct or sense of the moment that MJ did or Kobe does. He doesn’t have the panache. But if you’re going to see one average game, at any point, and get your maximum money’s worth for a performance, I would pay to see LeBron. Yes I would. And that is why he may be able to nullify whatever bad ju-ju Shaq may bring, and win it all next year. But again, it’s a gamble.

So, back on point, rather than give it another try with your team of happy gunners that set the NBA ablaze last year, a team that is now motivated after it was two games from the NBA Finals…now’s the time you risk it? Really?

As a bitter Lakers fan, I guess all I have to say is…thanks!
Last Season: 66-16 Projected: 63-19

7. Debi: I should have worn a skirt.
Marty: I should have brought my gun.
Debi: What was that?
Marty: Should be fun!

Team: The Memphis Grizzlies. Did you remember they picked up Zach Randolph? Yeah, me neither! And in a full-reversal of position, I actually think this was a good move for them. Yes, Zach plays no defense whatever. True, he hardly passes the ball. But he actually has a couple low-post moves, and is a somewhat reliable scorer thanks to his years of playing on under-achieving teams and garbage minutes.

(On a related note, the Clippers turned this trade – Zach for Quentin Richardson – into Sebastian Telfair and Craig Smith. Not bad, all around. I think both teams got better for it, and it started a series of Q-Rich trades that I found hilarious, like a multi-million-dollar game of hot-potato.)

So, down-low, the Grizzlies sport Zach, Pau Gasol’s brother (who is also better than expected) and first-rounder Hasheem Thabeet. Again, not bad! That’s a solid front line. Better than Anderson Varejao and Leon Powe, right? Thabeet can provide defense as he gets more comfortable with the NBA, as he eventually morphs into a shot-block league leader. (Not yet, but one day I could see it happening.)

The combo of a shot-happy forward and a rebound-and-defense-happy center is one that can work, and both Marc Gasol and Thabeet fit that bill. Add that to the continued development of O.J. Mayo as a shooting guard (his natural position) and Mike Conley (a natural point guard – thank God they solved that guard logjam from last year). And, to round out the starting five, they have Rudy Gay, a 20 ppg forward who just turned 24, who has an ever-improving shooting stroke to compliment an all-around game that any basketball purest would love.

Not bad at all.

I can’t say I see the Grizz improving leaps and bounds this year, since it would take a couple years for this team to mature and gel correctly. Playoffs may be a pipe dream. But gone are the low-20’s win total, the trouble scoring, and the low attendance (once the city of Memphis notices).
Last Season: 23-59 Projected: 32-50

6. Marcella: Don't hang up! Wait! Did ya' read yesterday's offer?
Marty: Hold on a minute.
Marcella: It's in French. It's a Greenpeace boat. It'd be so easy.
Marty: No way! I have scruples.

Team: The Boston Celtics. Okay, stick with me on this. They haven’t improved through their trades and free agent acquisitions, but they have healed. Kevin Garnett is the most important player in the league this year, as his knee is the most important joint…aside from whatever Phil Jackson is smoking. If KG is healthy, the Celts are still favorites, end of story. Ever since they won it all in ’08, no team has yet proved it can beat a healthy Boston, and the Lakers still haven’t proved they can beat them at all. If KG is healthy, Boston gets the nod.

That’s the trouble. How healthy is KG’s knee? He’s still questionable for training camp. Even if he does play the first game of the season, how effective will he be? Rested and refreshed? Gimpy and lacking confidence? Who the hell knows?

But that’s not the secret of this season’s Boston Celtics. The secret is, it doesn’t matter if he’s healthy, as long as KG is on the floor in some form.

Even with a gimpier KG, they will be stronger this year than last, no matter what. And no, not only because of the addition of Rasheed Wallace and Shelden Williams. (They help, but that’s not what sold me.) It’s because of the continuing evolution of Rajon Rondo.

Much like Tony Parker with the Duncan-led Spurs, Rondo is poised to become an elite NBA point guard with considerably less hype than his Derrick Rose or Devin Harris-type counterparts. The improvements he showed in his game, his shot selection, his shooting touch, his defense, and his confidence during the last season were staggering to anyone who paid close attention. His stats improved across the board. He shot over 50% from the field, and a full nine percentage points better from the arc.

More steals, more rebounds, more points per game. And – get this – a full three assists per game more than last year.

And he really showed up for the playoffs. In that epic seven-game series with Chicago, he had five games over 19 points, five games with over 11 assists. That’s big-time, especially considering he is getting paid only $1 million/year (the Laker’s sixth man is making $9 million. It’s Lamar Odom, true, but he’s not even starting.) That’s a bargain at three times the price.

Anyways, I do think that the addition of Rasheed will help them during the regular season, and Shelden Williams will help with depth. Big Baby Glen Davis is a take-him-or-leave-him situation for me, but since he hit that one big shot in the playoffs last year, I guess the Celtics owed him one. So, yeah, throw him a contract, sure why not.

As for their record, I don’t think they can get much better than the 66-16 from two years ago, but the 62-20 from last year sounds about right. Depends on injuries, of course, and exactly how much crazy Rasheed Wallace has left in him.
Last Season: 62-20 Projected: 61-19

5. Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.

Team: The New Jersey Nets. It’s hard to come up with a good story about this team. Yes, Devin Harris is promising as a playmaker, but he’s relied upon to score, and that really shouldn’t be his…thing. Vince Carter is out, not like he was trying hard anyways, and they are left to rebuild around…..?

I’ve never heard of their starting power forward. Honestly. Sean Williams. Never heard of him. That can’t be good, can it?

Okay, let’s drudge through these other players. Courtney Lee is promising:

…He can hit the three, and can obviously finish in the lane. Plus, he’s had Finals experience, and its only his second year in the league. Damn. Well, that makes him the second-most experienced player on the Nets roster. Other than…

…Rafer Alston, the Nets’ back-up point guard, even though he was starting in the Finals last year. I bet he got whiplash from getting tossed that far. The NBA Finals to the NBA dumpster? Gotta feel for the guy. But, at least it completes his Kenny Anderson transformation from streetball legend to afterthought Net point guard.

So, the roster is rounded out with Yi Jianlian and Brook Lopez. I only know Yi because of how Boston fans made fun of him, and Brook because he put up some decent rookie fantasy numbers. If Brook can take his 13 and 8 and make it 16 and 10 this year with a few less fouls, it would be a start. If Yi can stay on the court, that would be an improvement too. Sigh.

Truth be told, the Nets are at least three quality players away from even making the playoffs. I mean, if their goal is to move to Brooklyn and get LeBron, they are making zero progress towards either – the arena won’t be done for another two years, and why would LeBron leave Cleveland for a supporting cast that he can’t even take to the playoffs? He’s on the verge of a championship, and he’d trade that for what is basically an expansion team?

Sorry Nets fans. This will be a tough season. There still are Nets fans, right?
Last Season: 34-48 Projected: 18-64

4. Marty: I'm a professional killer.
Paul: Do you have to do postgraduate work for that?

Team: The Atlanta Hawks. I guess they do need a little more education. I had them picked for a big leap last year, too, after that inspirational 7-game series against the eventual Champs back in 2008. The eventual result was…not so much. Though they did boast the fourth-best record in the East and made it to the second round for the first time in a decade, they were thoroughly trounced by LeBron and the Cavs in four quick, convincing games.

So, they needed a little change, some life at the end of the roster that didn’t involve Von Wafer. And this season, they added what could amount to the two most explosive/unconscious scorers in the league in Jamaal Crawford and rookie Jeff Teague. Oh, and - they added them both to their bench, while keeping their starting five. Let’s just say, the Hawks might be a formidable team this season.

Mike Bibby is proven, and is asked little other than to run the offense and hit a couple open threes. Joe Johnson is a pure scorer, a 20-ppg athlete who can also spread the floor. Mo Evans is a reliable defender and decent shooter, who is still young and spry, but NBA-refined. Josh Smith is an All-Star, a finisher and a near league-leader in both blocks and steals. And Al Hortford is a solid, young center with decent post moves, a perennial 15 and 10 guy who is still hungry after a couple injury-plagued seasons. This is a solid roster, with some special talent.

The odd thing is, the head coach is a defensive specialist. What gives?

Mike Woodson was the architect of the Detroit Pistons’ suffocating defense earlier on this decade. (Imagine what Mike D’Antoni would do with this roster.) The Hawks were middle-road teams both offensively and defensively in terms of efficiency. They can definitely become an offensive powerhouse, if Woodson pushes the pace and lets these young guns run. With the Celtics aging and the Cavs suddenly tied down with an anchor for a center, this doesn’t seem like a bad option. I would love to see a couple more Josh Smith throw-downs:

They will make a better showing in the playoffs if everyone stays healthy, but they need a little more to get past the Magic/Celtics/Cavs into the truly elite.
Last Season: 47-35 Projected: 51-31

3. Martin Q. Blank: It's a poem? See, that's the problem... express yourself, Bob! Go for it.
Bob: "When I feel... quiet... when... I feel... blue..."
Martin Q. Blank: You know, I think that is *terrific*, what you have right there. Really, I liked it, a lot. I wouldn't sell the dealership or anything but, I'm tellin' ya... it's intense!
Bob: There's... more.
Martin Q. Blank: Okay, would ya mind, just skip to the end.
Bob: To... the very end? "For a while."
Martin Q. Blank: Whew. That's good man.

Team: The Denver Nuggets. It’s always good to admit when you are wrong, and everyone, I was wrong about the Nuggets. They made a stellar showing last season, impressed everyone by their gutsy play and deep playoff run, and showed cracks in the Lakers’ armor when they met in the second round. They were probably one Anthony Carter inbounds pass away from knocking off the eventual Champs, and then, who knows? We could be praising the World Champion Magic, Hedo Turkoglu could have re-signed in the offseason, Gore would have won the presidency in 2000, and there would be no hole in the ozone layer now. So, let’s just be glad Carter tossed that pass a little high.

And I’m sold on the Chauncey Billups experiment. He provided the on-court presence that the Nuggets needed to take them from an over-confident and cocky bunch of thugs to an organized and productive basketball team, a team that believes in the system they were running.

Though they were still a little cocky. Remember when JR Smith hit that big three, and was flexing and strutting down the court, shouting at the Lakers and the crowd in Game 4? I remember saying “man, that is gonna look so stupid if the Lakers win this series.”

So, JR. How does it look? You proud you did that now?

I’m going to take this opportunity to provide a brief aside about boasts and showmanship. Never, never ever boast until the deal is done. It’s part of karma, and the Gods will find a way to strike you down if you tempt fate. You know why Kobe stopped doing that “blowing the smoke away from his burning hot hand” thing after he hit his big shots? Because every time he did it, the Lakers lost the game by some fluke or crazy play. Maybe it provides a spark under the opponents. Maybe there really is a God of “Don’t Be An Ass” (I’d like to think there is.) Whatever the reason, I would hesitate to chicken-strut unless you truly accomplished something. And as big as Game 4 is, JR, it’s still just the second round. Act like you’ve been there before.

Sorry. I think that may have pissed me off at the time.

Moving forward, I think the Nuggets have another season of high-level production in them. Birdman played out of his mind last season, and Kenyon Martin was actually productive in a set system for the first time since his second year as a pro. Nene…don’t even get me started about Nene. He could be an All-Star. And all this is before I even mention Carmelo Anthony. (Yes, he disappeared last playoffs, but what are the chances that happens again?)

They’re not the Hornets or Jazz of two years ago, since their window is exactly as big as Chauncey is old, and it may take some time before rookie Ty Lawson gets adjusted. They could get a maximum of two more years out of Chauncey before he goes back to whatever bridge he was guarding.

Just kidding, he’s not that ugly. Close, but not that bad.
Last Season: 54-28 Projected: 56-26

2. Mr. Newberry: Did I have you figured wrong?
Marty: I don't know - I mean, I hope so.
Mr. Newberry: I visualized you in a haze as one of those slackster, flannel-wearing, coffee-house misanthropes I've been seeing in Newsweek.

Team: The Toronto Raptors. What I like: their off-season pickups. They made all the right moves, took the USC standout DeMar DeRosan (who has twice as many capital letters as you) in the draft, and acquired the gunner Jarrett Jack and the near-All-Star Hedo Turkoglu off of the best seasons of their respective careers. What I don’t like: that may mean they have nowhere to go but down from here.

Hedo is somewhere between 32 and 35. We’ll never really know his true age. Even last season, we could see his trouble guarding the nimbler Trevor Ariza and other speedy guards as they put the ball on the floor. He can still be a productive player, but may have to rely on others creating shots on the perimeter for him. He definitely won’t be a 19/5/5 guy like he was two years ago.

And Jarrett Jack? He got some crazy burn on the injury-ridden Indiana Pacers last year. He’s a solid player and everything, but his stats are inflated, and the Raptors will be sorely disappointed if they are expecting 15-ppg from him. (I partly think they just wanted him on their roster for his pornstar-esque name.)

Also, I am not sold on the current roster, before the new additions. Throwing all that money at Andrea Bargnani? First, that’s a girl’s name. Second, as I said before, there’s a fundamental flaw with centers that shoot threes. (Namely, they’re not in there to rebound their misses, no matter how many they make.) Third, Bargnani will never be an All-Star, and if you’re building a team around Chris Bosh, you need a solid defender/rebounder on the other block. Imagine if Toronto got Hasheem Thabeet instead of DeMar DeRosen. Put Thabeet and Bosh at the border, I guarantee you no contraband is getting in OR out of Canada.

I’m not sure Jose Calderon is as good as his hype, but he’s most certainly a team-controlling point guard. The other additions - Amir Johnson and Marco Bellini - add depth at both guard and forward, and Johnson will provide bench energy while Bellini can pair with Bargnani for a reality show about gangly white Italians that don’t shave much.
Last Season: 33-49 Projected: 43-39, and playoffs.

And finally…

1. Victim: Whatever I'm doing you don't like... I'll stop doing it.
Marty: It's not me.

Team: The Los Angeles Lakers. You know I’m a Laker fan, so this might get lengthy. And myopic. But I’ll try to be unbiased…until we get to the Luke Walton part.

The Lakers did the right thing this off-season with the Ron Artest acquisition, and here’s why. Let’s get out the bullet points:

-You need a certain level of crazy on any team. You need someone who is willing to think outside the box, to get in the face of someone who may be bullying you. The Lakers got tougher last year, but were still susceptible to runs from opponents when they got physical. The Finals two years ago was the perfect example. Leon Powe will not get twenty-someodd points on a team with Ron Artest on it.

-You can’t doubt his motivation. It is obvious he cares about winning, which actually trumps a lot of his “question mark” characteristics for me. I just want to see him keep that mindframe as the Lake Show progresses deeper into the playoffs. You’re a role player now, Ron. Take a page out of Horry’s playbook and understand that you may need to stand on the weak side and wait for the ball in order for your team to win.

-He can shoot, and his FG% is deceiving. On Sacramento and later on with Houston, he was often the playmaker and the bail-out guy when the shot clock got low. His threes were usually contested, and his drives were against double teams, since there were fewer other options. Obviously, that will happen less this go-round. I am interested to see what his three-point percentage looks like at the end of the year, and I’d wager it’s significantly better.

-Finally, Trevor Ariza was a nice role player, and definitely came up big for us many times throughout the last two seasons. I will miss him. But he will never be an All-Star. The Lakers are getting an All-Star with no injury history at the age of 29 for a relatively cheap contract, a four-time Defensive First Team selectee and former Defensive Player of the Year. Trev, well, just can’t match up with that.

So, goodbye Trevor Ariza. I’ll honor your departure with my favorite Trev moment, a game I was actually at, on Christmas Day two years ago:

Also, resigning Lamar Odom was just as important to the Laker’s repeat efforts as anyone. (Yes, Pau, Phil, Kobe, anyone.) He is an integral part of the team, and when properly motivated, can provide the versatility on defense and the fluidity on offense that makes the Lakers tick. It is instantly obvious in the games Lamar misses. The ball stagnates, the weak side doesn’t rotate, and things just look disjointed.

I’ve always maintained that Lamar could be the best player in the league if he tried. Of course, I also proposed we trade him for Richard Jefferson last season. But if your team doesn’t rely on his production, and uses it instead as a bonus (a “turbo-boost” for slow or ineffective nights) he can be just as valuable as any other player out there. Plus, he can man up against centers and shooting guards alike, something the Richard Jeffersons of the league can’t claim to do.

Real question marks, in my mind, are Andrew Bynum, Luke Walton, and Jordan Farmar. These are three players that can make or break the season. For Bynum, he was at his most effecting setting screens and flashing to the rim, getting offensive boards and providing help-side D. But after his injury, he started trying to create for himself, taking short jumpers and holding the ball a bit too long. If he can let Kobe’s drives and Pau’s court vision create the shots for him, he will have a much more pleasant time out there, and Phil will probably let him see more time.

Luke can’t really run anymore. Yeah, I know, it’s sad. He has to rely on up-fakes and floaters in order to get his points. But he can still be a helpful cog in the offense. If he works on his shooting stroke this offseason, and can provide a reliable threat from the arc, he can take Trevor’s spot as the open man outside. And he still has his excellent passing skills, which almost makes up for the fact that an injured turtle could blow by him at this point.

And Farmar, unless he has a career year, is done as a Laker. Shannon Brown’s signing pretty much validates that he is the heir apparent to Derek Fisher’s spot. Besides, Brown is a better shooter, defender, and athlete than Farmar could ever be. Either Farmar starts making everything from outside, or it’s time to look for a trade. Which is also sad, but sometimes a third point guard is like a third nipple…it’s neat, but really, how much do you use it?

As for Kobe, the most polarizing figure on the sports landscape this side of Michael Vick, everyone is making issue of his rising odometer. And it is completely true: Kobe is on the trailing end of his career. It’s undeniable. But is he going to force the issue and hoist 28 shots a game, breaking set offenses as he did in 2004? Or is he going to pace his game, save energy and choose his spots as he did last year, taking a page directly out of Jordan’s 1998 handbook? I believe the latter is true. His production is sure to go down this year, but I’m not sure his efficiency will.

Kobe will still go for 50 at some point this season, and it is interesting to see what he can do with a full summer’s rest for the first time in two years. But I don’t expect him to average over 26 ppg. Hopefully, he won’t have to.

The Lakers, as the defending champs, have the largest target on their backs this season. They also made arguably the biggest off-season move, and as they are the Lakers, the coverage they receive this next season will possibly be the most in their history. Every game will be dissected, every minor quibble blown out of proportion. But they are also the favorites out of the West, and it seems that anything less than a back-to-back will be considered a failure.

The bar is high. But the talent is obvious. And as for the rest of the teams, we here at TSCblogs are excited to see how it all plays out.
Last Season: 65-17 Projected: 69-13

The Great Big Season Preview (Part 2)

2009-08-25T05:04:00.001-07:00

This is Part 2 of a 3-part series. You can find the original post here. The final posting will be made in the next couple days, so check back here. Each NBA team is assigned a Gross Pointe Blank quote, and analyzed.

19. Debi: You're a psychopath.
Marty: No, no. Psychopaths kill for no reason. I kill for *money*. It's a *job*. That didn't come out right.

Team: The San Antonio Spurs, and their mechanical, surgical style of mercilessly doing everything perfectly. God damn them. As a Laker fan, I loathe every awesome move they make. To jump movies here, it’s like in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, when the human STD Aldous Snow nails Peter’s “Vampire Puppet Musical” idea by saying it’s “ like a dark, gothic Neil Diamond” and Peter just is in distress at how perfectly it nails his intentions.

(Sidenote: I don't care how drugged up and foreign Russell Brand is. HE IS HILARIOUS. I mean, look at Kimmel try and stay up with him. And the audition scene from Sarah Marshall? I think it was funnier than the whole movie combined. Just sayin. Moving on...)

I hate everything the Spurs are about. They were the steely, lifeless opponents of my Lakers for so long. But sometimes, as a basketball fan, you have to look at your opponent and say “That’s, like, EXACTLY what I was going for. F***, you’re cool!” and be in awe and disappointed by that realization at the same time. That’s the Spurs.

The Richard Jefferson move? They provided insurance for the injury-prone Manu Ginobili, adding another slasher/scorer who can hit an open 3 who respects strong-willed coaches and set systems. Before that, they were sitting at #37 in the second round of the draft, and take the strong and versatile DeJuan Blair, the 6’6” forward out of Pitt (with a wingspan of 7’2”!!!!) who was thought to go #13th to the Pacers. Honestly, if there was ever to be another Charles Barkley in this league, Blair is the best prospect. He can finish strong, and “has hands like a vice grip”, as Chad Ford states. He’s sure to get some important minutes as they rest Tim Duncan, who is into the death throes of both a prestigious and poker-faced career.

Definitely a quality off season. Only thing that could derail them is the same as ever, namely injuries sustained from foreign basketball competitions. Someone should do something about that.
Last Season: 54-28 (tenth straight year with 50 wins! Jeebus.) Projected: 56-26

18. Debi: Where are all the good men dead, in the heart or in the head?

Team: The Sacramento Kings. Listen, I blame last year’s horrendous showing on two things: 1) Kevin Martin’s injury-ridden season, and 2) The rest of the team having absolutely nothing to offer. Too blunt?

Seriously, they have a bunch of players with a lot of potential and fan support (Jason Thompson, Beno Udrih, Andres Nocioni) who offer little in actuality. I am of the belief that if you put a panda bear out there instead of Spencer Hawes for 20 minutes a night, he’d average 11 and 7 as well (while driving ratings in the Asian market, too.)

I wish I had better analysis than “these guys just need better players”, but it’s completely true, right? Nocioni is a liability on defense, Francisco Garcia should probably be playing baseball, and there are five guys directly behind Tyreke Evans that I would have taken before him in the draft.

The solution? Get an established player. Ben Gordon would have worked here, or even Rasheed Wallace. Someone to provide accountability to the young gunners, maybe make them slow their roll. You’re just not going to put Bay Area butts in the seats with “meet Omri Casspi on Sunday!”
Last Season: 17-65 Projected: 15-67

17. Marty: Why are you so interested in me going to my high school reunion?
Marcella: I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere.

Team: The Portland Trailblazers, who are going to finally make “The Leap” this season. First, it was genius signing Brandon Roy as your immediate summer priority. Doing so officially makes him the face of your franchise…a young, pleasant, marketable fella who wants nothing more than to win and smile. (He's like me on sinus medication.) It’s not too often that I’m reminded of Magic Johnson in players these days, but if you gave Magic decent-looking jumper instead of his insane court vision, well, Brandon Roy would be close to your end result.

All bro-mances aside, this team is filled with young and promising talent who are all improving together. LaMarcus Aldridge will be an All-Star this year. Rudy Fernandez is going to take Manu Ginobili’s spot as the league’s crafty white foreigner who nails big 3’s and throws down dunks when you least expect it. (Crafty White Foreigner…another good band name.) And if they get any production out of what I hear is a more slender, nimbler Greg Oden…well

Finally, the addition of Andre Miller will fill their hole at the PG, a spot they were filling last year with either Steve Blake or a crash test dummy, I’m not sure which. (They both seem to be making the same face.) And they still nearly made it to the conference finals.

I have nothing but faith in Nate McMillan, and teams in general that hire ex-players to coach for them. And as the Pacific Northwest has little going for it right about now, it’s a good thing the future looks so bright for the Blazers. So let's Bro-Hug it out, Brandon.
Last Season: 54-28 Projected: 56-26

16. Marcella: You know, when you started getting invited to your ten year high school reunion, time is catching up.
Martin Q. Blank: Are you talking about a sense of my own mortality or a fear of death?
Marcella: Well, I never really thought about it quite like that.
Martin Q. Blank: Did you go to yours?
Marcella: Yes, I did. It was just as if everyone had swelled.

Team: The Dallas Mavericks, and their All-Star Starters circa 2001. Except, it’s not 2001. In a previous life, I would have been stoked to see Shawn Marion and Jason Kidd running the break together, converting alley-oops and back-doors. But in 2009, Shawn Marion isn’t a starter anymore, and Jason Kidd lets people go by him like the turnstile at the county fair.

Every player on this team is overrated. Every one. Wait, scratch that…JJ Barea is actually pretty good. But aside from him, Jason Terry is a “chucker” (adj. chuck⋅er, [chuhk-er] to throw or hoist the ball at the basket at any and all opportunities. See: Black Hole.) Josh Howard, when he’s not smoking the reefer or dissing America, is a decent 18 ppg player who thinks he’s a godly 28 ppg diva. And Dirk? I don’t think I’ve seen someone age so quickly since Jimmy Carter left office.

Even Rick Carlisle is depressing. He’s coached both Detroit and Indiana right before their respective downfalls, boasts a career .486 playoff win percentage, and seems to be a perennial 50-32 coach. No more, no less. It’s like shooting a movie with Ben Affleck: he wasn’t your first choice, and he won’t put out the best product, but he’ll fill out the empty space until something else happens. Or you decide to make a different movie.
Last Season: 50-32 Projected: 50-32 (duh.)

15. Mr. Newberry: What have you been doing with your life?
Marty: Uh... professional killer.
Mr. Newberry: Oh! Good for you, it's a... growth industry.

Team: The New Orleans Hornets. I did not expect that out of them last season. I had the Hornets penciled in as challengers for the Conference Title, not barely scraping by as playoff hopefuls. When they are properly motivated, their top six players can compete with anyone. But, as Bill Simmons said, teams seem to give up on Byron Scott after their third year with him. Happened in New Jersey, and it seems to be happening here.

Let’s look at the positives. As long as they have Chris Paul, they have a puncher’s chance at a title. End of story. The little guard with the most utilized off-arm in all of basketball (seriously, every drive he is pushing off) led the league in both assists and steals last season, while averaging an admirable 22 ppg and shooting over 50% from the floor.

That’s an MVP season, right there. But, as they didn’t cross that 50-win threshold, they gave it to Lebron, and I guess you can’t really argue against that.

Here’s the recipe for this season. CP3 will continue to get David West open 15-footers, making him seem far better than he actually is. Copy and paste that last sentence with Peja Stojakovic and corner 3’s. James Posey will continue to do the little things, like scrounge for offensive boards and hit the occasional 3, and will continue to fail at the big ones, like become a reliable scorer and production player.

And the trade of Tyson Chandler for Emeka Okafor? Doesn’t mean much. Both players have failed to inspire me. At best, Okafor will get 2 more dunks a game, and at worst the oft-injured big guy will…continue to get hurt. I think it’s a wash.

(Note and Update: Rasual Butler was just traded to the Clippers for a second-round pick. Now, Rasual Butler is a decent player, and an excellent sixth man. What are the Hornets doing here? What is their goal for this next season? Is there a player coming out in the draft that they really want, and are already tanking for?)
Last Season: 49-33 Projected: 47-35

14. Paul: I've got to get something off my chest. Have you been home to see the old house?
Martin Q. Blank: Yeah. Torn down in the name of convenience.
Paul: Yeah, I brokered the deal
Martin Q. Blank: Oh, wow. Wow.
Paul: I tried to get a family there, but Ultimart made the best offer.
Martin Q. Blank: Well, thank you for profiting on my childhood.

Team: The Golden State Warriors. Seriously, what is going on in the Bay Area? Is the drinking water contaminated with poor choices?

Listen, Chris Mullin. You don’t have a center AND NO ANDRIS BIEDRINS DOES NOT COUNT. You have a power forward in Corey Maggette, who is really a fat small forward, who seems more content getting to the foul line than creating productive offensive possessions. You have a hotheaded small forward in Steven Jackson (see: chucker) who actually has a tattoo of praying hands holding a gun, which is appropriate after his history of gun charges.

(I kid you not. Praying hands, and a GUN. What does this even mean? What message can we take from this? The gun is aimed towards the heavens! What, you wanna shoot GOD, Steven? I'm sure he's more powerful than you, no matter how many 3's you shoot.)

Finally, you have two undersized shooting guards in Monta Ellis and the recently drafted Stephen Curry, one of whom will have to bring up the ball. How will this end?

You need to score about 140 points to win any game. You will either be the most entertaining team in the history of the league, or you will lose so badly so often that they may close down Oakland for good. Which may not be a negative.

Truth be told, Stephen Curry is going to have a nice career in this league. He just seems more at ease on the basketball court than any of his contemporaries. If he wants space for his jumper, he finds it. If he wants to set up his teammate, he does so. Were the Warriors really to cater to his abilities, they’d trade one of their gunners for a good screen-and-roll man. Or they’d trade Curry himself, so he can go be successful elsewhere.

Let’s just say I’d be thoroughly surprised if they threatened to make the playoffs this season.
Last Season: 29-53 Projected: 31-51

13. Martin Q. Blank: Do you *really* believe that there's some stored up conflict that exists between us? There *is* no us. *We* don't exist. So who do you wanna hit, man? It's not me.

Team: The Milwaukee Bucks. Name for me, if you will, three Milwaukee Bucks. I dare you. You know what? If you can name four, you actually live in Milwaukee. That’s the only way.

Milwaukee has made a half-hearted effort to be an NBA team for the last five years. They take the second-tier players discarded by other teams, and collect them. The hodge-podge result is neither cohesive nor is it enjoyable. Their meal ticket, Michael Redd, is following the Glen Rice projection path, namely he is an outside shooter that can’t drive to the hole anymore, so defenders crowd him into a low shooting percentage.

Plus, Redd’s last three seasons’ game totals look like this: 53, 72, 33. Not exactly a reliable option when you only play 62% of your team’s games.

Their off-season additions were admirable, however. Amir Johnson will finally get his time to shine after being stuck behind a crowd of power forwards in Detroit. Roko Ukic was acquired from Toronto, and is a decent and crafty ballhandler who can provide some back-up PG help. Of course, he won’t see much of the court behind Luke Ridnour and draftee Brandon Jennings (who’s gigantic ego may keep him from being content on the bench for long.)

I’ve been a fan of Jennings since he donned the high-top fade in high school, and applauded his trip to Greece to play ball in lieu of a one-year stop at Arizona. His mixed tape has already made the rounds on YouTube, and he has the right amount of cockiness/swagger that can take him far in this league. He just has to keep it in check, and keep from getting hotheaded, like punching out Luc Richard Mbah a Moute or something (which I could totally see happening. The two cultures clashing, it’s inevitable, isn’t it?)

I see another sub-par showing by the Bucks, possibly punctuated by a couple nice Jennings moves, and maybe a couple fans in the arena to actually see it.
Last Season: 34-48 Projected: 28-54

13. Dr. Oatman: Don't kill anybody for a few days. See what it feels like.
Martin Q. Blank: Alright, I'll give it a shot.
Dr. Oatman: No, don't give it a shot! Don't shoot anything!

Team: The Chicago Bulls. Remember that Bulls/Celtics series? Wasn’t that just amazing? I still have chills thinking about it. That series will probably go down as one of the best of our lifetime. Seven games, seven total overtimes, and four games decided by less than four points. Incredible.

So, resigning Ben Gordon was a moot point. It was never gonna happen. He knew it, the Bulls knew it, the whole league knew it. So does that make that amazing 7-game series like the best break-up sex ever? I vote yea.

As the Bulls emerged defeated from that epic character-test of a series, they realized a couple things. First, Derrick Rose is big-time. He can handle the limelight, he can handle the rock. They would be well served to build around him during the upcoming years, a la Portland and Brandon Roy. (Note: it recently came out that Rose only eats chicken, and nothing else. How could you not like this guy?)

I mean, this video is some fine work for a rookie point guard:

Second, Joakim Noah does not stink out loud, as previously thought. He is of championship pedigree at Florida, and although he looks like a cross between Bigfoot and Ghandi, he is fundamentally sound on the low block. And he never stops hustling, which is admirable. Oh - and a big plus, he cussed out Ben Wallace, which is highly admirable. (I’ve been waiting years to cuss out Ben Wallace.) Noah, I believe, was a big part of the change in attitude in Chicago, where they were just tired of rolling over for the other East powerhouses.

Now, if they can only find a replacement for the corpse that is Brad Miller, and give Ty Thomas some of whatever Tough Juice Caron Butler was drinking in 2007, we may have a decent challenger on our hands.
Last Season: 41-41 Projected: 44-38

12. Mr. Grocer: Here's the new stuff, kid. Durazac 15. Makes Prozac seem like a decaf latte. Want a couple? I've got jars.
Marty: I don't do that stuff anymore.
Mr. Grocer: No wonder you got the shakes. And don't say "do it," because I don't "do it." I *ingest* it, on orders from my neurophysiologist. It's legal. In five years they'll be putting it in the water for the citizens, like fluoride.

Team: The Washington Wizards. They have everything, EVERYTHING riding on Gilbert Arenas. Word has it that Gil is stronger and quicker than he has been in years, throwing down in rec games and leg-pressing 300-someodd pounds with his faulty knee.

The thing is…who knows. Who knows if this is for real. The Wizard fans and everyone in the District have heard this type of jargon for three years now. “Gil is healthier than ever. Gil is back to his old self.” Problem is, that translated to two seasons of non-production, and when your team so heavily relies upon you (both for wins and monetarily…he resigned for big dollars) when those promises don’t produce, you lose your fan base.

The Wizards have to figure out their goals this season. Are they in the middle of a youth movement with Nick Young and JaVale McGee? Or is their window for success still open for the Gil/Antwan Jamison/Caron Butler trio?

I say they give it one more push. If they can incorporate new acquisitions Mike Miller and Randy Foye successfully, and limit DeShawn Stevenson’s playing time to a negative number, they can easily make the playoffs. And, who knows, they may just pull off an upset against one of the Big 3 (Cleveland, Orlando, or Boston). Hey, it worked for Chicago last year.

Weird thing is, with all this talent, if the Wizards lose Brendan Haywood again, they don’t have a backup center. They’d be done. At that point, you may as well send this incarnation of the Wiz to the woodchipper, Fargo-style. Buzzzzzzz.
Last Season: 19-63 Projected: 43-41

11. Debi: So, is there a Mrs. Mysterio?
Martin: No, but I do have a very nice cat?
Debi: Not the same.
Martin : Well, you don't know my cat, it's very demanding.
Debi: It? You don't know if it's a boy or girl?
Martin: I respect its privacy.

Team: The Charlotte Bobcats, appropriately. This was my breakout team of the year last year. Only…that didn’t happen. Gerald Wallace got a couple concussions from jumping and forgetting to land, and it cost him a few weeks. (Seriously, this happened more than once.)

They traded for Vlad Radmanovic, who is like that grandma stuck on a cruise-control 40 MPH in the fast lane. With her blinker on. Boris Diaw’s head is permanently lodged six inches in the sand, and neither of the Nazr Mohommad or Raja Bell trades worked in their favor, either, but I ran out of analogies for being a pansy.

That’s four trades they lost out on, with the one remaining star getting bonked on the head repeatedly. Nice work, Larry Brown and Co. You sure you shouldn’t have held on to Jason Richardson? You sure you wanted EVERY OVERRATED PHOENIX SUN that Steve Nash made seem valuable?

Even despite all that, they still won 35 games, which is impressive, considering they won about two the season prior. And, they had a break-out performance by DJ Augustin, which helps when they try to bargain with Mr. 35% From-The-Field Raymond Felton. (Honestly, what is that guy’s problem? It’s like he got his whole game lawn-mowered since he was at North Carolina. Sean May too. Guess they don’t make Tarheels like they used to.)

Best case scenario? They make the playoffs and get butchered by Boston. Worst case? Well, considering the best-case sounds rough, let’s just close our eyes and wait until they relocate.
Last Season: 35-47 Projected: 25-57

Check back for Part 3, coming soon.

A Great Big Preview of the 2009-10 Season (Part 1)

2009-08-19T05:33:00.000-07:00

It’s late August, and that means a couple things to us sports fans. First, flights to Vegas are the cheapest they will be all year. Which is nice. So take advantage accordingly, all you Rain Men out there.

Second, it means there is absolutely nothing happening in the NBA. Ghost towns have more foot traffic at this point. The off-season is particularly “off” at this point, and all the NBA columnists are sunning themselves at their favorite vacation spots, marking the first time many of them have been outside this year. Most of the summer trades have already happened, and teams are focusing on gaining chemistry and camaraderie as training camps and the preseason approaches. NBA news items nowadays are in the "Magic Johnson Turns 50", “JR Smith Got Drunk” or “Steph Did Something Crazy Again” vein.

Basically, if you’re an NBA player and you’re in the news in late August, no good can come of it. You’ve messed up BIG. Take it from me: just lock the Escalade in the garage. Don’t go out. Send your boys out for your Faberge Egg collection, or whatever it is 20-year-old millionaires collect. Have the gardener feed your tigers. Just don’t go outside.

Finally, late August means that school is back in session. The 2009-10 school year. And that means my 10-year high school reunion. Truth be told, I’m only barely comfortable talking about this topic.

I’ve attended three weddings of my high school buddies this summer, and the unfortunate funeral of a college friend. There are several more weddings on the horizon. My D.P.H.S. comrades are buying houses, having babies, filling out their stock portfolios, and having MORE babies.

It was unsettling, watching everyone around me mature into functional human beings. Then I found a couple gray hairs.

Rather than dive into the deep waters of my neurosis, I’m going to take a page out of The Sports Guy’s playbook, and give a report of the upcoming NBA season to the most memorable quotes of Gross Pointe Blank, the best reunion movie of all-time.

A quick background: I’ve had GPB on my Ipod ever since I’ve had an Ipod. Every scene is chock full of nuances that are incredibly wry and hilarious in their subtlety. Now, I know a few of you haven’t see the movie, so I won’t dwell on the minutiae of a twelve-year-old flick. Just…if you have anywhere from three minutes to an hour to kill, you can throw that movie on at any point and be thoroughly amused. More than that…you feel clever for even following the dialogue, which is just fast-paced enough to be snappy, but clean enough to not lose you.
For example, it takes a solid five viewings before I caught that the Guns & Roses “Live and Let Die” turns to Muzak once Martin Blank enters the mini-mart where his house used to be. And his interrogation of the teen behind the counter is classic, and starts out in a fashion appropriate for this article:

Marty: What are you doing here?
Ultimart Carl: I'm doing a double shift. What does it look like?

That being said, Sports Guy, imitation is the highest form of flattery, so don’t be offended I took your idea. I just think I chose a movie better suited for NBA analysis. (BURN.) So without further ado, this is the Official Second Coming Preseason Preview, 2009-10 Edition. (Part Two and Part Three are coming in the next couple days…ten teams each day.)

30. Marty: They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?"

Team: The Phoenix Suns, and the previously untouchable Steve Kerr (circa 2007), who single-handedly dismantled the most revolutionary offense we’ve seen since the Triangle. And that was concocted twenty years ago, recovered from the throes of a Phil Jackson LSD binge on an LA beach. (True story. There has to be at least one “Phil Jackson’s LSD Triangle” band name after this article is posted. It’s a moral imperative, right?)

In this Gross Pointe analogy, Phoenix is Paraguay, and Shaq is the fork…which is appropriate. Sure, Amare Stoudamire is a beast, but he is one season and one Steve Nash back injury away from either a Cedric Ceballos-like downfall or an Antonio McDyess-like ego check. Namely, the only reason McDyess worked in Detroit is because he was willing to accept the lesser role and reduced pay. Amare is far too young and hotheaded for that to happen.

But, if Amare doesn’t learn an efficient post game without relying on his physicality, he will not last long in this league. End of story.

What they SHOULD do in the PHX is to throw some quality money at a high-scoring free agent, either to supplement their front line or their second unit. With Brook Lopez showing some promise, and the recent acquisition of Blake Griffin’s sister, that spells Allen Iverson.

Think about it. The window on any kind of success in Phoenix is literally about one-and-a-half years, with Steve Nash ailing and Grand Hill’s assorted body parts eventually falling off like a satellite upon re-entry. So you grab A.I. for mid-level money, and either start him alongside Nash, J-Richardson, and Amare, or throw him on the bench for a one-two punch with Barbosa. I’d pay to see that. But guess what? It will never happen.
Last Season: 46-36 Projected: 42-40, 9th in West

29. Marty: Debi's house.
Paul: Kinda crept up on you, didn't it?
Marty: No, you drove us here.
Paul: [pause] Yep.

Team: New York Knicks. They are making all these plans for the LeBron sweepstakes, and now it looks like he’s staying in the Cleve (and eating lunch with Little Richard at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, or whatever there is you do there.) And, Dwyane Wade is staying in Miami, most likely. So, when they end up with Chris Bosh and whoever they drafted instead of Brandon Jennings (BIG mistake – Jennings is perfect for NY, no matter what my buddy and Knick enthusiast Eric says), they are still going to need another piece.

It’s savvy free-agent pickups and drafting that makes it in this league, and I haven’t been impressed by the Knicks’ late history on either.

What will it take? I was rooting for them to snag Richard Jefferson instead of San Antonio, but that would ruin their 2010 plan. Also, they should have made a stronger push for Lamar Odom, who would be perfect to pair with David Lee (if he sticks around.) So, what’s their plan? Darko Milicic? Not so much.

Sadly, the only thing that would truly renew the basketball vibe in the NYC is a solid big-name star, preferably through trade. I hate to burst any bubbles, but Nate Robinson being the major cog in your offensive plan is not going to win you many conference championships…especially when you bring him in as a shooting guard. There are current shooting guards that are over a foot taller than him, and this is a position that, in the post-MJ era, is relied upon more than ever in offensive systems.

Nate Rob is like a higher jumping John Starks, or a shorter JR Rider…no better.
Last Season: 32-50 Projected: 35-48

28. Marty: [after shooting a guy three times and bashing his head in with a skillet] Debi, I'm in love with you! And I know we can make this relationship work.

Team: Miami Heat…though this quote seems a dead ringer for Cleveland, at first glance. The Miami love affair is appropriate: Wade has absolutely put his butt on the line for this franchise time and again, but with little to show for it. If the population of Florida can wake up from their Country Kitchen buffets and early bird specials, they may realize that. Any other team would have been three spots out of the playoffs last year. Plus, I’m not sold on Jermaine O’Neal’s dilapidated body anymore at the center position, and I’m pretty sure Wade isn’t either. Jermaine’s game is, like, a sneer. And a 3-inch vertical.

Furthermore, the Heat’s other positions are like a poor-man’s roster of average NBA players. Mario Chalmers has impressed in his rookie season, but he’s too turnover-prone and shoots too poorly to be an effective starter yet. Chris Quinn looks like Tyler Hansborough’s “mini-me” and don‘t tell me he doesn‘t. Yakhouba Diawara is effective in spurts, but played alongside Steven Jackson too long (he will start launching threes at any minute) and Daequan Cook is Jason Richardson without the jumping ability…or scoring ability. Finally, Udonis Haslem is Charles Oakley without the attitude and “bionic man” qualities.

Listen, Miami: Either get Wade a running mate (jury is still out on Michael Beasley, who is the Bullwinkle of the NBA at this point…sleepy and unconcerned) or you’re gonna lose him to free agency. And as he’s my wild-card MVP favorite, this would be a historic loss for you. (Aside from what I told the Knicks a second ago.)

He likes Miami. He wants to STAY in Miami. Make the decision easy for him.
Last Season: 43-39 Projected: 44-38

27. Waitress: What do you want in your omelet, sir?
Marty: Nothing in the omelet, nothing at all.
Waitress: Well, that's not technically an omelet.
Marty: Look, I don't want to get into a semantic argument, I just want the protein.

Team: Los Angeles Clippers. Listen, this is the epitome of an empty omelet: a lot of protein, not much substance. To be honest, I’m excited to see this one play out for the Clippers, and not in that NASCAR-crash kind of way. They have a good squad, a collective of decent players, and if Mike Dunleavy stays at least 50 feet from the bench at all times, they will be fun to watch. They may not win a lot of games, but they will have a decent amount of highlights on SportsCenter, and that’s where they need to start to get LA and the league interested.

On a side note, their failure to get Allen Iverson was the best thing that could have happened to them. He would have eaten up Eric Gordon’s minutes, and at this point the young gunner needs as much burn time as possible. And I’m pretty stoked on the Sebastian Telfair/Ricky Davis/random SF/DeAndre Jordan/Chris Kaman second unit. This could be a break-out year for at least FOUR Clippers: Gordon, Al Thorton (who already had a nice year last year), Jordan, and Blake Griffin (who is the perfect power forward for this system.)

There is a 50% chance of them losing two of their three big guys to injury, in my estimation. Or to swine flu. Or to aliens. I’m just sayin’, it’s the Clippers, all bets are off.
Last Season: 19-63 Projected: 35-47

26. Marty: I'm sorry if I f***ed up your life.

Debi: It's not over yet.

Team: The Minnesota Timberwolves. This team’s situation encapsulates the basic message of the movie: things may be FUBAR’ed right now, but if you keep a good outlook and some menial plans in action, you will end up on top. Or with Minnie Driver. Or on top of Minnie Driver.

The T’wolves have more to be happy about on 8/18/09 than they have had in probably ten years - not since the days of Sam Cassell, Latrell Spreewell, and a youthful and uninjured KG (rather than the straight-up crazy and bench-ridden one.) Cutting ties with Kevin McHale meant moving beyond a six-year losing tradition, and the Kurt Rambis addition is like that first date after a long and tumultuous relationship. You know it won’t be perfect forever, but dammit, it’s new, it’s fresh, and there’s no drama for the time being.

It may be a matter of time before you’re throwing Tupperware at each other, but right NOW, you’re just enjoying having nothing to be bitter about. That’s Kurt Rambis in Minnesota.

As for the new-look team, the depth chart is filled with potential break-out players. Aside from a comeback season from Al Jefferson, I’m expecting big things from Kevin Love – like an 17 and 8 season. Also, word has it that Jonny Flynn has done nothing but impress scouts at pre-draft camps and Summer League, and another year’s experience for Corey Brewer and Ryan Gomes could translate into decent role-player scenarios for both of them. And the underrated pickup of the summer was the addition of my boy Ryan Hollins, a 7-footer who can obviously throw down. Add a potential Ricky Rubio to the situation, and this team begins to show some promise.
Last Season: 24-58 Projected: 32-50

25. Debi: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's, well, broken.

Team: The Detroit Pistons, with a special nod to Ben Wallace. Nothing says “end of an era” better than a previous star and standout signing for the veteran minimum with their old club, if only for the fact they want to retire there. It happened with Byron Scott in LA after his hiatus in Vancouver and Indiana, and it happened countless times in football. It’s basically the death rattle of a franchise…at least for a couple years.

That being said, I expect Detroit to make another playoff appearance, fizzle out in the first round, and continue on the Rodney Stuckey project even though it is so obviously going to end poorly. Plus, they just traded away Amir Johnson, a fan favorite, while adding two over-shooting and under-sized players in Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva. If they were taking odds on it in Vegas, I would put money down on at least one of them being disgruntled within the first three months of the season.

(Quick side-note: how perfectly did that first meeting sum up the relationship between Marty and Debi? Uber-perfectly, that’s how perfectly, thanks for asking. Marty stumbles into Debi’s radio booth after having stalked her in a not-so-discreet fashion, and they say “Hi!” a couple times while awkwardly shaking hands. Then, they jump each other’s faces, making out with the hostility of two hormonal teenagers. Seriously, I think you can hear their impact with each other in that scene. It’s primal, it’s honest, and it’s hilarious…three things I definitely need out of a comedy.)

Anyways, I chalk Detroit in for 38 wins of uninspired basketball, one significant injury or trade demand, and an unheard-of coach being fired at the end of the season.
Last Season: 39-43 Projected: 38-44

24. Marty: How's your sister? Did she ever marry that guy Kenny?
Paul: [incredulous] Kenny?
Marty: Yeah, did that work out...?
Paul: Come on, man, he did three years at Joliet. They put one of those bracelets on him, like a LoJack, they know where he is at all times. I think he's at Pizza Hut now.
Marty: So let's not go there.
Paul: No.

Team: The Houston Rockets. Talk about hitching your wagon to the wrong stars. Ron Artest bolts town, Yao ends up injured…again, and T-Mack hasn’t seen the court regularly for three years. Where are their building blocks? Their prized Moneyball-style production players? It is in my professional opinion, as your columnist of choice, that you take these words to heart: if you rely too much on stats and production feedback, you begin to ignore personality and injury tendencies. How else would you end up with Von Wafer and Ron Artest on the same team last year? Then lose both, then sign Trevor Ariza in what has “trade demand when things get bad” written all over it?

The only positive in this situation is the fact that they lose McGrady off their payroll next season (at a whopping $23 mil this year) and Yao next season (at $17 mil/season with his player option.) Then they can gladly hand off the keys to…Luis Scola?

I mean, give them credit for a solid showing last season. But honestly, Houston, what’s your plan here? You’re gonna blow up quicker than a plotline on Mythbusters.
Last Season: 53-29 Projected: 48-34

23. Martin Q. Blank: You must've done some *naughty* s*** there, Bart. [flips dossier over to Bart]
Martin Q. Blank: There's a contract out on your life. Believe me. I was hired to kill you, but I'm not going to do it. It's either because I'm in love with your daughter or because I have a newfound respect for life.
Mr. Grocer: [following in van] That punk is either in love with that guy's daughter or he has a newfound respect for life.

Team: Totally the OK City Thunder. We need not speak of the unmentionable abandoning of the coffee- and grunge-loving people of the Pacific Northwest. Naughty, naughty s***, indeed.

But let me tell you something. These are the up-and-comers this season. The Jump-Makers. There’s a system in place in OK City that will actually let two separate future All-Stars blossom…together. Kevin Durant is the future of this league, and – fingers crossed – has the potential to be one of those rare Alex English-type players throwing up spectacular numbers in a small market. The NBA needs those. It keeps the locals energized (they feel like they’re in on a secret) and it keeps the out-of-towners clamoring for TV access.

I know that I drop everything when I find out the Thunder are on the tube. I could be juggling babies. Doesn’t matter.

So there’s that, plus the advancement of Russell Westbrook, who is absolutely invigorating to watch play basketball. He keeps his needle at 11, Spinal Tap-style, the entire game. Though he’s relatively small for a combo-guard at 6’3”, he finds his way into the lane with regularity, and has the perfect speed + passing ability to man the break with Durant.

Oh, and check this out:

I think now was the perfect time to let Earl Watson go, and hand the keys to Westbrook. Have him learn how to run the offense, and clear room at the SG for the newly-drafted James Harden to provide the heft Westbrook couldn’t. Pair them with either a Nick Collison/Nenad Krstic/Jeff Green hustle-type player to get boards, and this makes for a potentially dangerous team.

So I’ll leave you with this riddle: if you saw Westbrook, Harden, and Durant coming at you on the break, how quickly would you need a change of pants?
Last Season: 23-59 Projected: 40-42

22. McCullers: You got any ideas how you wanna wax this guy?
Steve: Can't you just say 'kill'? Ya always gotta romanticize it.

Team: Utah Jazz. And it’s an absolute pity. Why? Because they’re wasting the best years of Deron Williams’ career.

Listen, I was as big a fan of Carlos Boozer as the next guy. He was a tough, physical 20/10 dude, with a low center of gravity and a soft 15-footer. That’s a challenging matchup for anyone. But since his last All-Star season, he’s either been injured or has submarined the team’s efforts by hoarding the ball with too little production. And with the subsequent drop-off in production from Andrei Kirilenko, Mehmet Okur, and the twelve-year-old that disguises himself as Ronnie Brewer, well, that leaves you desperate for points. Word has it you need those to win games.

And listen, Utah fans, there’s no way you’re winning anything with Paul Milsap. Yes, he’s a decent player. Give him enough touches, he may even get 18 a game. But that’s it. He won’t hit crunch-time baskets, he won’t swing the ball, he won’t drop your jaw or rally the crowd. And if you put him next to Boozer in the lane, well, I’m not sure you’d have space to shoot protons between them, let alone a beefy point guard.

Utah. Get a damned shooting guard. Please. The Mormons would really appreciate it. At least, do it while Jerry Sloan is still alive.
Last season: 48-34 Projected: 42-40

21. [Martin gives Debi a bouquet of flowers]
Debi: I'll go put these in some rubbing alcohol.

Team: Philadelphia ’76ers. In the words of Lang Whitaker, who couldn’t have said it better: “They know they don’t have a point guard, right?”

That is, unless you count a back-up rookie you took with the 17th pick, Jrue Holiday, about whom MyNBADraft.com states "What position will he play in the NBA? Needs to keep working on his jump shot and ball handling.” So, that’s a no. And cross out Louis Williams, who averaged a whopping 3 assists last year, and is still just an undersized shooting guard. So, Philly will either have to resort to Samuel Dalembert bringing up the ball or…um…

YES!!! Smush Parker is still available. The Smushmobile may be making a stop in Philly. You want a shot-happy hot head who once was so unreliable he made Kobe hoist over 27 shots a game! He’s still got fight in him, too, after he said he’d throw down something fierce on Ron Artest. That’s a fire you want, Philly! You want the Smush!

Wait, but then you’d still not have a point guard.
Last Season: 41-41 Projected: 38-44

Part Two coming up.

The Jamaal Wilkes Minute

2009-08-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

Time for a quick update. Look for my regular summer post discussing the off-season acquisitions later in the week.

On Wednesday, 8/12, Henry Abbot of TrueHoop.com made a post detailing the sly and deceptive style of Jamaal Wilkes, and how his game translated well even when guarding guys who outweighed him “by 100 lbs.” or more (linking the original from a Bounce Magazine interview with Alejandro Danois). In a thoughtful manner, he discussed how his background in martial arts aided his positioning and footwork.

No mention of where he learned his free throw style, though:

The Truehoop.com post reminded me of a story from when I was growing up.

My father used to coach our 11-12 Rec league team at the Westchester YMCA, a decent group of kids that actually went undefeated that season. It just so happened that Jamaal Wilkes' son, Omar, was on the team as well. (He actually went on to play at UC Berkley, and did pretty well there.)

We played on Saturdays, and one week we had planned to take a family trip, meaning we were going to miss the game. As my dad was looking for a replacement coach for the week, Jamaal actually volunteered for the job without being asked.

After practice, he showed up to pick up Omar, and had a worried look on his face.

"Now John, is there any system you want me to run, any set plays? And what about defense? How do you like to set up?" He had a million questions, including who our opponent was and whether we had played them before…basically, had he scouted them.

Dad looked at the three-time NBA All-Star and said, "Jamaal, you were in the NBA for twelve years. You played under Wooden and Riley. I'm pretty sure you can handle these twelve-year-olds."

My Dad told him what he could, but I always found it endearing how concerned Jamaal was about mucking up the plans for this little Rec league. It really shows what kind of stand-up guy he is.

And yes, we won the game.

You can learn more about Jamaal Wilkes
Here and Here.

CONGRATULATIONS!

2009-06-15T07:07:00.001-07:00

...to your 2008-09 Champions. It was a helluva year.

Tip o' the Hat to Orlando. But to the victor go the spoils. See you next year!

Desperation is a Stinky Cologne: The Trade Deadline Blog

2009-02-18T18:00:00.001-08:00

I am hesitant to begin another blog. My last swoon over Andrew Bynum (and thorough dissection of his game) resulted in a torn right MCL and a firm shake to the Lakers’ season. Yes, I am that powerful, and it was entertainingly tragic. But hey, writers write, and the show must go on.

We at TSCblogs.com have it on good confidence that most NBA teams are looking to shed salaries like high schoolers at a house party once the cops are called. Invariably, this leads to lopsided trades, big names being tossed in favor of big expiring contracts, and a league where names like Raef LaFrentz and, yes, Stephon Marbury are relevant again. (It sends a shiver up this writer’s spine.)

This bodes not well for the Amar’e Stoudemires. And the Vince Carters. These are the albatrosses around the necks of sinking franchises, teams that can neither win nor make money, so they decide to emphatically suck at both.

Ah, to be an NBA GM. You could probably club baby seals in your bathtub and not get fired.

That being said, there are new faces in new places, and that deserves analysis, gosh darn it. Ignoring the lower-level transactions (my apologies, Tyronn Lue), we present the desperation slings and season-ending catastrophies of the 2009 trade deadline:

Charlotte traded forward Adam Morrison and guard Shannon Brown to Los Angeles Lakers for forward Vladimir Radmanovic.

Vlad Rad is a very talented shooter who fell out of favor with Phil Jackson’s crew. The 08-09 season began with him starting over Lamar Odom, then coming off the bench behind Luke Walton, then not getting off the bench at all. Talk about a fall from grace. For all the production he was giving the Lakers, they might as well have gotten the Hat Guy to sit next to Sun Yue on the bench. (Who knows, he might even be fluent in Mandarin. Anything is possible with Hat Guy.)

In short, The Spaceman was an ample back-up, but only necessary if one of the Lakers’ other ample back-ups go down. And they were paying him entirely too much for that. In Charlotte, he will have the opportunity for a bit more playing time, and the opportunity to butt heads continuously with Larry Brown.

(Let me explain: I do NOT see them getting along. If Vlad Rad is The Spaceman, Larry Brown is The Black Hole, sucking in all attention and focus. Vlad Rad would succeed in a system where he can be coddled frequently and pushed less so, whereas Brown enjoys driving his players like plow horses…tilling concrete.)

Enter Adam Morrison and Shannon Brown. Morrison was in a similar position as Radmanovic on the Bobcats, having lost confidence, a mullet, and half a knee since his high-scoring college days. Brown, an athletic combo-guard, was stuck behind about five other combo-guards on the Bobcats’ roster. (Again, to be a GM. Sigh.)

I believe Charlotte’s system, up-tempo and shot-happy, will not work well with Vlad. He’s an extraordinary spot-shooter, but he hardly ever leads the break, and his defense is questionable at best. Raja Bell? Gerald Wallace? Yes, they work well in this system. Spaceman? Not so much.

The reason I like this trade from the Lakers’ view is because they had nothing to lose. They already cut their losses with Radmanovic. If Morrison reawakens, it’s a pure profit. And Brown, the real steal of the trade, has a decent shot to take over the back-up PG spot once Derek Fisher becomes the full-time Player’s Association President, and Jordan Farmar finally gets the keys to the offense.

Plus, Brown can do this:

(Side note: I would love to see the in-practice dunk contests between Brown, Trevor Ariza, and Kobe. Can the Lakers just sign James “Flight” White and get it over with?)

Oklahoma City traded Joe Smith and Chris Wilcox to New Orleans for Tyson Chandler and the rights to DeVon Hardin.

(Note: this trade has just been rescinded after Chandler failed a physical. My analysis of it, however, remains entertaining.)

Take it from Tyson Chandler’s biggest pre-season proponent and fantasy owner: he has had an absolutely pitiful season. Like, worse than absolutely pitiful. It looked like he was playing ball in his socks, or only shooting lefty. His points and rebounds both dropped from 11+ to 8+, while his FG% dropped six whole percentage points. You know, if LeBron’s FG% dropped like that, we would give him so much crap.

I would say Chandler’s success last year was purely a testament to Chris Paul‘s aura of amazingness. But CP is still there, so what gives?

Sadly, I have no answer. And, it seems, neither did New Orleans. So, they traded one of the last true centers in the league for a blue-collar PF in Wilcox and one of the more endearing expiring contracts out there in Joe Smith.

The result? No one wins. OK City is prematurely ecstatic over Chandler, and heading for disappointment over his big body and supreme lack of anything else. New Orleans gets two players that have never excited anyone ever before, Joe Smith’s #1 draft position of 1973 notwithstanding.
Add to that the fact that CP3 and David West are now unhappy (err…make that downright pissed. http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=3913301
). Just like the Saints of two years ago, looks like success comes short-lived in New Orleans.

Ike Diogu, Andres Nocioni, Drew Gooden, and Cedric Simmons to the Sacramento Kings, Brad Miller and John Salmons to the Chicago Bulls, Michael Ruffin to the Portland Trail Blazers.

Oh my. Someone had some fun with the ESPN trade machine.

Like a club sandwich, let’s break this down into parts: Brad Miller goes back to Chicago, where his career got a kick in the but a decade ago in the post-MJ wake. A career, mind you, that is currently circling the drain, so it looks like his expiring contract is his most attractive asset. Plus, if he’s busy shooting 3’s from outside, it clears up the lane for my man-crush Derrick Rose to beat absolutely everyone to the hole.

Nocioni on the Kings (and Drew Gooden if he ever heals up) will be an interesting experiment, and should pump some life into that avid, rabid, and recently flaccid fan base. At worst, this trade is a lateral movement for them, and at best Gooden has the possibility of getting back to his ‘07-’08 level and bulking up the Kings’ front line. Plus, his expiring contract, of course, helps their bottom line. (I should have that phrase on my clipboard for easy cut-and-pasting.)

They needed a reliable mid-range shooter and some rebounding, so what’s not to like? Now, they just need some defense, offense, coaching, and young prospects, and they’re well on their way.

Amidst this multi-player boondoggle, the Kings are the clear winners in my book. In Sac-Town, new blood is good blood at this point.

As for Ike Diogu, Cedric Simmons, and Michael Ruffin…well, none of them averaged over 2.5 ppg last season, all of them played in small media markets. Let me speak for the organized NBA journalists in saying we know very little about these three, and we would be very surprised to see any change in their production with their new locations.

It’s like these GM’s are playing Risk, and just pushing little plastic men all over the map.

Jermaine O’Neal and Jamario Moon to Miami Heat, Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks to Toronto Raptors

What we have here is a case of the Fresh Starts, Part Two.

Toronto was supposed to see The Second Coming (tee-hee) of Jermaine O’Neal and his Estranged Knees, and Shawn Marion was supposed to lose his depression and become re-energized aside D-Wade in Miami, wearing pastels and sipping drinks with little straw umbrellas.

Whoopsie.

Now, they will have to trade outfits, literally. Marion will continue to put up his uninspiring-yet-stat-stuffing play next to Jose Calderon and Chris Bosh, which looks like an amazing front-line, but in truth is no more impressive than Wade-Marion-Beasley. And as Bosh is currently ailing, they may have to call the season and hope for some draft picks.

Plus, the swagger they lose with O’Neal is imperative in the Raptors’ success. Trust me on this…the team has no bite. Calderon is fundamentally sound, but is a sneer and a flagrant foul away from anyone really being impressed with or scared of him. He leads a team of nice guys, who were coached (until recently) by a pacifist in Sam Mitchell, in an Eastern Conference where every team has threats and fangs.

And this is why Canada adores them. Those silly, non-aggression Maple Tree lovers. Makes complete sense.

However, teaming O’Neal up with Udonis Haslem (a career overachiever) in Miami’s front court could anchor the defense for this team bound for the rebound. They have a growing list of talented reserves, and I have been immensely impressed in the play calling and composure of Erik Spoelstra, their rookie head coach. Though he looks like the Regional Director of Used Saabs, proved his worth wrangling the Heat from last season’s abomination.

Truth is, the Heat will still lack scoring and a quality outside threat, but if Mario Chalmers, Wade, and Jamario Moon get running together, they may be able to rally and make a deep splash in the playoffs.

Lakers trade Chris Mihm to Memphis Grizzlies for absolutely nothing

Just kidding. This isn’t news. But it did happen.

I guess they’re just paying for Pau Gasol in installments, right?

(Picture is most definately related.)

Trade Deadline Part 2

Who cares, I said. Who cares whether the trade deadline hasn’t actually passed? There’s no way more trades will happen. We’ve seen all that we need to…I can write my column now.

(Influx of trades go by, drenching ESPN.com with news until Marc Stein passes out.)

Perhaps…perhaps I have been mistaken.

Below are the post-deadline news wires, stating the latest trades that snuck in before the deadline. All are sourced from ESPN.com.

Chicago's Thabo Sefolosha is headed to Oklahoma City for one of the Thunder's five stockpiled first-round picks in the next two drafts.

TSC Take: No big deal. They had a logjam in Chicago at small forward, and Thabo drew the short straw. OK City gets another under-performing and undersized forward. I’m moving on.

The Boston Celtics have agreed to trade Patrick O'Bryant to Toronto for backup point guard Will Solomon.

TSC Take: As a Laker fan, I like seeing the Celtics make moves. It makes me think they’re worrying.

This move makes perfect sense for the Celts…Eddie House, though an excellent shooter, is one of the worst back-up point guards in the league. He makes bad passes, doesn’t control the ball…they might as well have Paul Pierce bring the ball up. And Will Solomon is a talent, so it will be interesting to see how he meshes in Boston.

And Patrick O’Bryant, the big black dude with the Irish name, hardly got off the bench in Boston, and unless Shawn Marion or Chris Bosh is out for any extended period, I don’t see much changing in Toronto.

Orlando is acquiring Rafer Alston from Houston
The Rockets will receive Memphis guard Kyle Lowry, Orlando forward Brian Cook and perhaps two other minimum-salaried players.
The Grizzlies will receive a first-round pick from Orlando.

TSC Take: See, this is big. The Magic, a frontrunner in the Eastern Conference and one of the top 5 teams in the NBA, lost Jameer Nelson, their starting PG. So, they send off a first-rounder and Brian Cook (who is getting traded a lot lately) for a quality replacement in Skip-to-my-Lou, Rafer Alston, who happens to be a perfect fit in Stan Van Gundy’s Long Range Bombers + Alley-Oop Machine system with Dwight Howard.

Sometimes the NBA works the way it should. This is more than slightly reassuring to me.

Knicks send Tim Thomas, Jerome James and Anthony Roberson to Chicago for Larry Hughes

TSC Take: I feel as if this was one of Isaiah Thomas’ moves from 2003. Three reserves go out for a big-name, shoot-first guard? You know, Stephon Marbury is still on the team, right? You haven’t gotten rid of him yet.

Truth is, Larry Hughes hasn’t fit in anywhere he has played. After one good year in Washington, he was cast an outsider on the Bulls, and Cleveland before that. Though he looks as if he was made for New York, I don’t see him working so well under D’Antoni.

As for the “Pu Pu Platter” (credit Bill Simmons) that Chicago got in return…I don’t really have an opinion on them. They’re career reserves. Perhaps they will find new life in Chicago, but it’s more than likely the Bulls just wanted new blood and positive influences around Derrick Rose and their newly-acquired Kings.

Knicks send Malik Rose and cash to Oklahoma City for Chris Wilcox

TSC Take: You really have to wonder what Wilcox did to the Thunder organization. They haven’t even been playing for a year in OKC…but they just traded him twice in two days. He must have gotten friendly with the GM’s daughter or something.

Wilcox, unlike Larry Hughes, will thrive in the D’Antoni system. He’s a poor man’s David Lee, a high-energy dude who will run the court and get the hustle plays. Rose, however, has mainly been a bench weight, with little influence on both the court and the locker room.

Count this as a big win for the Knicks.

Minnesota trades Rashad McCants and Calvin Booth to Sacramento for Shelden Williams and Bobby Brown to Minnesota

TSC Take: How bad has Shelden Williams’ NBA career been? I didn’t even know he was traded to Sacramento. And that was over a year ago. Talk about lacking influence.

McCants takes the role of the gunner off the bench, something he’s become accustomed to. And though the pundits are high on Bobby Brown, it is McCants who has the confidence shooting the ball, and the proven NBA career.

Plus, Calvin Booth looks like death. So that has to scare opposing teams, right?

If there are any more trades, look for updates here.

Check-In Blog: 'Zo, Woe, and Orlando

2009-01-23T16:02:00.000-08:00

There are a number of things on my mind today.

First, I would like to offer my best to Alonzo Mourning. The 17-year vet finally called it quits, a full five years after he was diagnosed with a life-threatening kidney disease and thought never to play again. He was a 7-time All-Star, a 2-time Defensive Player of the Year (while defensive giants like Mutumbo, Jordan, Hakeem, and Gary Payton were playing, no less), a perrenial 20-10 threat and a 2006 Champion.

You know, 2006, three years after he was supposed to take his seat next to Charles and Ernie as a talking head.

He will best be remembered for his intensity on the court, his flawless fundamentals (and physique…I mean, DAMN that’s a big boy) and his numerous charitable contributions throughout the years. He will be remembered for the thunderous dunks and the feathery fade-away, for killing the Celtics and challenging all who entered the paint.

Aw, who am I kidding? He’ll be remembered for dragging Jeff Van Gundy around on his leg. (Three-minute mark.)

But ‘Zo was a class act. The future Hall-of-Famer was Garnett minus the psycho-killer, Shaq minus the attitude, the blue-collar Hakeem. Georgetown-bred, he instantly made his teams a contender, doing battle with the Gods of the NBA…and often coming out on top. The only thing his teammates had against him was how hard he made them work.

Okay, not sure if that’s true. But would you doubt it?

It always saddens me to see the exalted basketball star - a player we all screamed for, and gazed in wonder at - go quietly into that good night. With the likes of Dr. J, Bob McAdoo, and Alex English, no one would suspect the fear they instilled in their opponents. Look at them today, you will see a graying (albeit HUGE) gentle fellow, never knowing that they once had their absolute way on the basketball court.

I wish that not on Alonzo.

So, ‘Zo, go find a nice golf course somewhere, and tool up some country-clubbers. A 6’10” behemoth sporting a Big Bertha? Perhaps you have some intimidation left.

***

Next, I would like to offer some praise for this Orlando Magic team.

Now, I have never played chess all that well. My college roommate, Doug, loved to get a few drinks in him on Saturday afternoons and challenge people to a game now and then. For some reason, he saw the angles of that board better than I, and could sniff out weaknesses in his opponent’s tactical game plan before they even knew it themselves. Now, he was no Grand Master, and we still made our share of inappropriate jokes, but the advantage he had on that chessboard was so obvious…playing him was a view of a completely different mind at work.

That is Stan Van Gundy and the Orlando Magic franchise. They are playing a completely different game than anyone else.

Of course, the chess pieces are different, and one is a Slam Dunk Champion. But what SVG has done is create a perfect basketball team, and a brand of basketball that is absolutely beautiful to watch.

Dwight Howard is a physical beast, we all know this. He could dunk with the ball in his mouth. But he is simply the lynchpin for their offense. The Magic have surrounded him, a decent offensive post player with a moderate amount of moves down-low, with four absolutely spot-on shooters outside.

See, they realize Howard’s strength is on the boards, and most of his points come on follow-up dunks off of quirky rebounds. So, they hedge their bets. Odds are that a couple of their long-range threats are hitting, meaning their aim is to get the full 3 points every possession, rather than the 2 most teams strive for. So, D-How draws the attention down low, and a double-team is most likely necessary to stop him. Two passes, and you have either Hedo Turkaglu, Rashard Lewis, Jameer Nelson, Keith Bogans, Courtney Lee, or J.J. Redick shooting the ball every time. And they’re shooting a combined .409 from the 3-point line this year.

WARNING! MATH!

.409 from 3 means that on the average possession, if these players shot every time from behind the arch (barring put-backs and offensive boards) they yield an average of 1.23 points per possession. Compare that to a team shooting 50% from the field (a great percentage) but hitting all two-point buckets: 1 point per possession.

Same amount of possessions, the Magic have a clear advantage.

Now, add to the equation the roughly 60% of times that they miss. Three-pointers notoriously have high, long rebounds…not at all the traditional bounce for the waiting big men below. And Dwight Howard can jump through the building.

Result:

So, if all goes according to plan - and during a long season, advantages equal wins eventually - the Magic just have a greater margin for error. Right?

And all this from an English major!

One last note: the most exciting series this playoffs will not be the Lakers/Celtics, Lakers/Cavs, or (other West/East) Finals match-up. It will be the Eastern Conference Semi’s. The Orlando Magic will either face the Cavs or the Celtics, and there’s a good chance the Magic advance. Much to the chagrin of David Stern.

Hear it now, think about it later, remember it always. TSC doesn’t steer you wrong.

***

Finally, I would like to mention the fact that the Floptastic, the Hack-a-matic, the insufferable Bruce Bowen is one spot away from making the All-Star team roster over the likes of Carmelo Anthony, Dirk Nowitzki, LaMarcus Aldrige, and Pau Gasol…while averaging career-lows in nearly all categories.

Now, I try to keep this column upbeat, but clearly there is something stanky in Internetland. Unless they recently got a cable modem on whatever planet Bowen is from, there’s no conscionable way he should be considered an All-Star, even in his best year.

And this is very-much-so not his best year.

Which is why I propose a new system to picking All-Stars. I think it is very important the fan voice be counted, even “we the people” go skitzo now and again. I believe that the journalists - Marc Stein and the lot - need a greater say in the process, since it’s their job to follow the NBA, and the adoring public only checks in from time to time on TNT.

Does the average fellow know that Russell Westbrook is lighting it up in the OKC? Unless they shelled out for League Pass, there’s little chance anyone saw that game.

So, let’s do this: fans vote as they normally do, including the Bowenians of Planet Flop. After their votes are tallied, the NBA beat-writers cast their votes. The numbers are broken down into percentages, so both the fans and the Steins get equal say (ie Amare gets 60% of the fan vote, and 54% of the journalist vote) and the numbers are combined. (Amare here would get 57%) Highest percentages make the team. Fair?

Now I just need to find where my planet is, and get them some high-speed.

Update: Check out this awesome comic over on Page 2 of ESPN.com

The Big Announcement - A Franchise of My Very Own

2008-11-10T14:55:00.001-08:00

I would like to announce, with great humility and appreciation, that I have recently been granted full control of an NBA franchise.

Through clever and persistent pleading, my words of wisdom (at 3:30 am at David Stern’s private residence…through a bullhorn and countless slammed windows) have finally been heeded by the Powers That Be, and my poignant and potent public statements have finally met their audience’s ears.

Let it be said right here and now: this franchise will not suck any longer.

Don’t get me wrong, there have been numerous consolations made on my part…not to mention the multitude of taxpayers’ dollars that I have already promised to build a new stadium to replace the one built only five years ago. But that’s just part of the bargain, right Seattle? You guys know what I mean.

As a man of my people, I will gladly uphold the integrity that comes with this position, and the responsibility of leading a fan base. No longer will corporate hob-knobbing and noon-time benders be an office-wide occurrence. No longer will we provide our players with complimentary guns, tattoos of guns, or other gun-shaped paraphernalia at our yearly Christmas/Qwanza party! The days of wake-and-bakes and pre-game keg stands are over!

And - I promise - I will make the numerous changes that are necessary to field a successful and profitable NBA product, both for our fans, and the owners’ pocketbooks. Wait…I mean, just for the fans. Whatever happens afterwards is pure happenstance.

Without further ado, let me lay down some ground rules for my tenure here. These edicts will be effective immediately, or whenever the ushers at floor-level get around to it. With these changes, I believe we can quickly and effectively improve the nature of the game-time experience, making for a far better time for all at the Schick Quatro Mega-Coliseum (rights pending).

Fan Experience

Change #1: All fans who arrive to the game late will be charged $5 extra to their ticket price. Any fans that leave the game early will be charged an additional 25% to their ticket price upon exit.

Listen folks, this is more than just a night out on the town. Because of your close proximity to the players, your level of involvement is directly related to the success of the team. Ask Golden State, who’s record would be far worse if not for the thousands of Bay-area civilians who turn hyper-active every home game. If you want our players to do well, you won’t amble out at the six-minute mark of the fourth quarter in a five-point ballgame…the traffic is just as bad fifteen minutes from now, and the TV cameras can see you leaving. You’re bringing everyone down. So, now we’re going to charge you for that.

Change #2: Themed Sections

From this point on, Sections 112-114 will be for the hecklers, since they are located directly behind the players. Sections 101-105 are for families and children, since they are located as far as possible from the hecklers. Too often have I seen a child turned wide-eyed because of your offensive (yet wildly clever - don‘t get me wrong) rants at Matt Bonner or DeShawn Stevenson.

Furthermore, the upper sections (we’re getting rid of the phrase “promenade”…it’s just misleading and demeaning) will be given a 10% discount at the door if they come decked out in our team’s gear. It is hard to involve the upper decks in the action, so let ‘em create their own action.

Finally, the luxury boxes will be moved above the highest nosebleed seats. Listen, you corporate snobs: you can’t see anything from those boxes anyways, except whatever hairdo you’re meeting with. This way, you’re still at the game, and you can still enjoy your shrimp cocktail and champagne without taking up valuable space that can be given to real fans. You know, the ones who actually watch the game, and care what happens.

Oh, and any of the celebrities at floor-level are required to be on the Kiss Cam so we can see them make out with their beautiful wives, awkward younger sisters or children, moms, or fellow celebrities. Kiss Cam: where nightly public humiliation…happens.

Change #3: More Themed Nights

Remember when Jesse Jackson donned the Ben Wallace ‘fro in Detroit? We were all better for that having happened. From now on, every player’s feature flaw will have a night dedicated to it. Jordan Farmar? Shrek-ears night. Shaq? Ghetto-booty night. Ron Artest? Rock-’em-Sock-’em Boxing Gloves night. Yao? Foot Surgery night - all in attendance with a taped-up foot will receive two free beers. The possibilities are endless…and that’s before we even get to Popeye Jones night and the Halloween masks.

Actually, let’s extend the themes. We can have Frat Night, with beer pong and flip-cup as half-time contests, and jello shots and “jungle juice“ for sale. We can have Hooters night, with the ushers replaced with the Hooters girls and buckets of hot wings available (listen, if they can have an airline and a resort in Vegas, we can get them for a night.) And on that note, let’s have Casino night, where fans can bet on the quarter, half, and final score, who scores the most, how soon Marc Gasol fouls out (over/under at 15 minutes in) and which kid wins that contest where they dress themselves in oversized team gear and shoot a layup.

Any teams that need money, I highly suggest that last option. We can’t have a franchise in Vegas, so let’s bring Vegas to you!

Change #4: Frequent-Fan Discounts

From this point forward, vendor nametags will be trashed. If you still know their name, you get 20% off whatever you buy. My father has gone to Laker games for thirty-someodd years, and knows the full family history of the guy who sells the brats, the guy who sells the beer, and the lady who was once a cotton candy vendor but recently got promoted to American Express Giveaway lady.

This needs to happen more often…these people are a part of the franchise, just as the players are. You’re paying for their service, just as you’re paying for the athletes’ play. They deserve respect. The least we can do is address them properly. You get two chances to request their name, but after that it’s on you.

Player Experience

Change #5: In The Name of Team Building

I hereby decree that any player that leaves our team for Free Agency has to foot the bill on a team dinner at the steak restaurant of our choosing. I’m all for the open market, but there must be penalties for ditching your team…namely, facing them all and telling them why exactly you opted to play for more money elsewhere. That way, they won’t feel bad making you pay for their 16 oz. porterhouse.

Furthermore, the day that free agent returns to The Shick Quatro Mega-Coliseum (rights pending), they must either match their previous average in four or more statistical categories, or be green-slimed by the Nickelodeon crew when the final horn sounds. I don’t care that they are on the other team…if they left our team to go sit on the bench elsewhere for more money, they deserve to be slimed. This clause is going in all my players’ contracts immediately.

Finally, if a player stays on our team for six years, we will completely remodel their house. Eight years, we will pay for one of their kids’ college education. Ten years, and we will name a concourse at the airport after them, and erect a statue in the players’ locker room entranceway. I don’t care if you are a benchwarmer, there must be a legitimate incentive for you to stay on our team, and reverence if you do. Remember the Lakers and Celtics battling for ten years in the 80’s? Well, that won’t happen again without a huge decline in turnover. It will result in better basketball, and more wholesome basketball players. Besides, if Adonal Foyle got to walk past a giant bronze Adonal Foyle before each home game for the Warriors, I guarantee you he would have played better.

Also, trades must be approved by 65% of the season ticket holders. If I get a wild hair up my butt and attempt a trade for Lindsay Hunter, I had better be stopped by someone. Why not give fans a voice in the process?

Change #6: If Your Nickname is More Popular Than Your Real Name…

…it goes on the back of your jersey. No exceptions. That is pure awesomeness, and kudos to you.

Change #7: Team Play

From this point forward, I will hire one statistician that will keep records of every bonehead play, made on or off the court. For every five, I get to penalize you in creative and devastating ways. Toothbrushes in toilets, Nair while you sleep, stuff like that. Hey, I have to earn my paycheck too. A website will soon be created, and dedicated to this type of player “ownage“. (Lamar Odom, get ready.)

I expect the site’s ad revenue will pay for most of our new stadium.

Also, awesome moves/acts of kindness/good games will be rewarded in turn. I’m not so good at creative rewards, but I will work on it…or I’ll hire a staff to work on it for me. Odds are, we’d be installing a bunch of aquariums or something. But it would be definitely in the interest of the players.

Finally, the guy on our team that averages the most assists on the year gets a special bench chair…one of those ergonomic ones with the pulsing massagers. Incentive comes in many forms, my friends.

* * *

So, in closing, I am most grateful for this chance to turn our franchise around. I consider it a chance to right what is wrong with the NBA, a chance to connect the fans and the players more directly. Though my ideas may be unconventional, I guarantee results…or you can return your season tickets for a full refund as soon as I am fired.

Plus, if I work less productively after I get axed, you get to slime me. And that’s a promise.

Stories to Love: The 2008-09 NBA Season

2008-11-03T15:20:00.000-08:00

(Click for full-sized image)

The NBA’s history is like a Rolodex. Flip to a year, and you know exactly what’s on that card.

The cards are titled by champions, and cross-referenced by their storyline. Dynasties are color-coated for easy reference. Facts about strong teams exist only for comparison, and losers are forgotten forever. Think about it. 1998? Bulls storybook ending, Jordan holding his follow-through over Byron Russell. 1988? Pistons over Lakers, the last great Finals Game 7 and the first of the Pistons‘ back-to-back. 1978? The cinder block Wes Unseld shoves Washington to its lone championship in those red and white jailhouse uniforms.

This works for every year. And it always will. It’s simple classification, and it is how we work. One season, one year, one card. Only so much information.

But, for each of those seasons - for each card - there were over 1,500 games played: opening games, Christmas Day games, conference finals, all forgotten about. Almost all of the great stories must have been swept under the carpet…we simply don’t have the cranial square footage to keep the information. There is no longer talk about the magical night a no-name scored 50 points, or the underdog caught fire and beat the favorite in overtime. Superhuman efforts and improbable moments have been lost. Sadly, inevitably, the memory fades under the weight of large numbers, as the games begin to pile upon themselves.

On a long enough timeline, all that remains is the Champ, and their story.

So, what will be the forgotten stories of this season? The celebration of sports lies in the reverence for the moment. What makes this moment different? What will be lost when the Champs are crowned, and we move on?

If you love sports, and you love the NBA, these are the stories you will wish you held on to.

Obama Digs Basketball

This year marks the first time that a hoops hobbyist, a hardwood aficionado has a legitimate shot at the White House. The lanky, 6’1 ½” candidate, still a top-3 pick at any public court, will have far-reaching effects on the game as we know it.

He has plans to put a court where the bowling alley today stands. But the repercussions don't stop there. We are talking Presidential pick-up games, meaning Congressmen and Senators will be practicing their jumper, just to get that valued time on the court with him. We are talking about sightings at high-profile NBA games, perhaps lending some (much-needed) notoriety to his hometown Chicago Bulls. Bad officials will be summoned for Congressional Hearings, the All NBA First Team will become decorated generals, and Scot Pollard will be declared an endangered wildlife preserve.

Okay, perhaps foreign leaders will simply meet at half-court, shake hands amid a flurry of flashbulbs, and toss up the ceremonial jump ball? The point is, anything is possible with President Jumpshot.

10-year Anniversary of Lockout

As I stated previously, there is a special silver lining on this aluminum anniversary. Ten years means the league survived. Ten years means the NBA got its ratings back, put the right players in the spotlight, and swept the controversy quietly out the back door.

An efficient machine. Our sport is safe.

One thing I didn’t mention: if there were another lockout in 2012, we would go through the same “the league can’t take it, it may fold” talk from the sports radio shows and talking heads. What we have learned is that there are just too many fans of basketball. From the hopeful Presidential candidate to Joe the pick-up player, we are a country enthralled with round ball. The NCAA tourney is a powerhouse, and as fans grow attached to players, they follow them to the professional league. It’s basically a farm system for our demographic audience, complete with t-shirts and cheerleaders.

The NBA isn’t going anywhere for a while. (So, I’m glad I picked this profession.)

The Passing of the Torch - The New Guy, KD

One of the main stories this year (that will be eventually forgotten) will be the emergence of Kevin Durant…and let me speak for NBA fans everywhere by saying I couldn’t be more excited. If Thirteen from House showed up at my doorstep with one bag of money, and one bag of Junior Mints, I honestly wouldn’t be any happier than I am about Kevin Durant.

In order to cultivate a superstar, they must be placed in a less-than-ideal situation to begin with, and they must struggle. Like Lebron’s first couple years in Cleveland, or Jordan’s early days in Chicago, they must first appreciate what it means to win…by learning what it means to absolutely stink.

This is imperative.

The OK City Thunder, though still a cross between an expansion team and an abandoned child, are currently laying the foundation for Durant. They surrounded by a legitimate second option in Russell Westbrook, two rebound-hungry bigs (Chris Wilcox and Nick Collison), and a completely unselfish point guard in Earl Watson. They are under the cap, they are building around young scorers, and they are in a city that has zero expectations. Durant is about to have the first of many, many banner years, and we are lucky enough to watch it happen.

The Upcoming Ricky Rubio Invasion

Want to make some easy money? Stop reading this, get up, and go copywrite the phrase “Ricky-mania”.

That’s the crazy thing about the NBA - there is more excitement for what could happen than what just did happen. Potential success trumps actual success. That is why, each year, the NBA draft is blown entirely out of proportion. Each new prospect is hailed as a savior, greeted with skyscraping expectations and tanking franchises. It’s a time of unknown limits, where the player has yet to underachieve; in the minds of the fans, he is still perfect, flawless.

On draft night, you are politely handed the keys to a sinking ship…and a free hat.

As the 2009 Draft approaches, we are going to experience a growing swell of anticipation over the arrival of Ricky Rubio. The 6’4” point guard with boyish looks, floppy hair, and unreal handles will slowly work his way into announcer commentary and draft pamphlets. Though not currently slated to be the #1 pick, Rubio has nonetheless captured the fascination of both the international crowd and the scouts. His highlights are on Youtube‘s greatest hits, up there with Kobe’s 81-point game and Lebron’s dunks over, well, everyone.

Once this kid hits mainstream America, it’s all over. The white boy’s slick passes, deft ball handling, and long-range touch was made for SportsCenter. He’s a younger, cooler, and less pompous Steve Nash. The team that drafts him becomes an immediate must-see. Your wife or girlfriend will have his jersey by this time next year. Who knows, you might buy it, too.

But this is what happens. We set the bar so high, you couldn’t clear it with a jetpack on. But, come the All-Star game in February, the press coverage will focus on Spain, and young Ricky Rubio will be on the tongues of all America.

Just relax…it will happen, and you get to look forward to that, too.

Iverson to the Pistons

So begins the Trades We All Saw Coming, which was almost the title of my last column.

That’s a lie. I never expected this trade in a million years, and if you speak to any NBA columnist, I doubt you’ll get a different response. The NBA, the only sport where a 50-win team self-combusts. Where a future first ballot Hall-Of-Famer and a recent Defensive Player of the Year get moved for a past-his-prime and oft-injured point guard and a whole bunch of cap room. Where the Denver Nuggets move instantly from contenders to back-enders.

The NBA, where Grand Theft Iverson…happens.

If anything, this trade vaulted Joe Dumars to the Executive of the Year status. In one fell swoop, Dumars upgrades a lineup that struggled for points and was power-forward heavy into a quick, lean, and explosive offensive weapon. He opens the backcourt for the development of the promising Rodney Stuckey. And finally, as stated in Truehoop’s informative post, Dumars puts Detroit in the front running to sign Lebron, Chris Bosh, Dewayne Wade, or any of the other valued free agents from the draft class of ‘03.

It’s a win-now-and-win-later method, and you can‘t argue with that. The Pistons are currently in a virtual tie with the Celtics as Eastern Conference favorites. And this move might have Knicks fans ready to shank Dumars for taking their rightful place in the Potential Lebron Sweepstakes.

The Lakers, Celtics, and Pistons back on top? What’s next, parachute pants, Reebok Pumps and high-top fades?

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For further reading, please take a look at the GM projections at this time last year. I dare you to look back on this column just one year from now, and see all that has changed. Go on. I dare you.

NBA Tip-Off: 5 Trades That Should Happen

2008-10-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight is opening night for the 2008-09 NBA season.

The Lakers host the Blazers, and the collective potential of Greg Oden and Andrew Bynum might light the building on fire. Cleveland hosts Boston, and the amount of pre-game powder applied by Lebron and KG might obscure the game for a good couple minutes. Craig Sager will be on scene, donning the most inappropriate-colored tie, and all of America will finally have something good to watch in the middle of the week again.

Happy NBA day, world. It's the most…won-der-ful tiiime…

There will be plenty of press on these two games, and the opening games for the rest of the league. Many fans will see the new incarnations of their teams for the first time. New players, new coaches, new schemes, new uniforms. There’s even a team in Oklahoma City with pastel uniforms, with thousands of rabid fans cheering while they lose 65 games.

And I get to see an Asian 6'9" point guard with mono play for the Lakers. It is surely a special day.

One thing we can be sure of is the fact that these teams are still ironing the kinks out. Though rosters have been trimmed to 15 players for opening day, we all know that there are still changes to be made. Injuries happen, and many teams are thin to begin with. Remember, the Great Summer of Free Agency is only two summers away, so if your team stinks, they’d better be clearing some cap space.

That, or they could just move to Seattle. Those folks would be willing to accept a good D-league team right now. There are tears in many a latte in the Great NorthWest.

So, in conjuring the spirit of the Late Great Bill Simmons, here are the NBA's Trades That Need To Happen.

(All proposed trades have checked out in the ESPN NBA Trade Machine. They work. Try them yourself.)

1. Jamal Crawford ($8.6m till 2011) for Raja Bell ($5m till 2010) and Grant Hill ($1.9 till 2009)

Fact: David Lee should not be the first Knick on the trading block. The dude could be an All-Star. He is young, healthy, ambitious, and would be willing to share the spotlight with Lebron or whoever they sign in 2010. Besides, he might be the best white American in the NBA, he’s playing in NYC, and I dig that. You do too, don’t lie.

Furthermore, I have long believed that Jamal Crawford needs to play for a west coast team with a killer point guard. I saw him when he scored 51 points, and the kid is the perfect running mate for Steve Nash. Can’t you see it? Amare and Shaq clog up the middle, and JC is free for the three. They get a fast break, JC is a finisher. He’s no more of a team killer than Shawn Marion or even Raja Bell. He’d be perfect.

On the flip side, the Knicks get some veteran leadership and some quality production in Grant Hill’s skeleton, and a hard-nosed defender with an attitude in Bell. Let me tell you, Raja Bell has New York written all over him. He’s a little short, sneers, shaves his head, talks a lot of “ish”, and can produce decent numbers. Plus they both come off the books by 2010 and free up some cap room, whereas Crawford would be a holdover for one year with the Potential Lebron before bolting town. Crawford’s absence makes Lebron to NY more of a possibility, as does Lee’s staying in NYC. It’s common sense, but hey, it’s the Knicks. So who knows.

(BTW, I will officially refer to this Lebron-to-NY situation as the “Potential Lebron” from this point forward. It sounds like an Econ 101 term, and the Knicks are playing with his specter for the next two seasons anyways. I like it.)

2. Jamaal Tinsley (??) for Steven Hunter ($3.9m till 2010) and Chucky Atkins ($1.4m till 2010)

Okay, you got me. This is cheating. Everyone and their mom knows this trade is happening. Indiana has moved past the Tinsley/Jermaine O’Neal era like an Indy car past a double-wide trailer on the infield. Larry Bird must be a great poker player, because he folded this hand quick-like. And Lord, would I love to play poker against Larry Bird. Think about that…if he won a hand, he’d be slyly pointing at Kevin McKale on the sidelines and not saying anything, just nodding with a little smile under his blonde mustache and mullet. And if he’d lose, he’d say “That Kyle is the best poker player I’ve ever seen. He’s just…unbelievable.”

Moving on.

Consider this: while Indiana still has the rights to Jamaal Tinsley, his status is sketchy. He doesn’t appear on the ESPN Trade Machine, he is not assigned a jersey number on his team’s roster. That’s how badly the Pacers want to move on. This is a guy who averaged 12 points and 8.5 assists last year. He can’t help your team? He can’t still play?

So Denver gets more street-cred and wins the contest for “Most Tattoos Per Square Inch”, George Karl included. Indiana gets another perennial back-up point guard, and a decent but injured big man in Steven Hunter. Yawn. Let’s get to the next trade before I nod off and the Coffee Bean staff has to poke me with a broom.

3. Lamar Odom ($14.1m till 2009) for Richard Jefferson ($13.1 till 2011) and Ramon Sessions ($722k till 2009)

Attention Lakers fans. Listen carefully. The Lamar Odom situation is over. OVER. Yes, he is a very talented, 5-tool player. He has the ideal basketball body. In fact, he is a very good basketball player. (Other teams, stop reading now.)

But he will never win a championship. He cannot be relied upon in crunch-time situations. He is moody. He is insecure. The fact that he does many things well on the basketball court does not make up for the fact that he does NOTHING very well. He is the perennial third-option, and on a championship contender like the Lakers, the third option must produce. End of story.

Personally, I’ve been disappointed with Odom for a while now. From my father’s griping “he doesn’t play defense! What is that stance?! He’s sleeping out there!” to the fact that he’s exactly as good as he was his rookie year (and his senior year of high school…he has not improved one bit).

Honestly, have you ever heard the words “and then Lamar Odom took over the game”? It even looks funny to read on my computer screen.

So, let me kick the lever on the guillotine. Odom gots to go. He’s not even producing on the second unit of the Lakers right now, and being that Vlad Radmanovich finally woke up and is looking like a basketball player, there is literally no need for him.

So, let’s make Richard Jefferson’s stop in Milwaukee a short one. If you watched the Nets last season, you saw a PO’ed Jefferson. He had been out for a year due to a knee injury, the Nets were scraping the bottom of the East barrel, but he just wouldn’t give up. Plus, this “veteran” is only 28 years old…2 years younger than Kobe.

The only problem I have with this trade is why Milwaukee would ever agree to it. But, then again, maybe they haven’t seen Lamar Odom play recently. Besides, he’s always done well on underachieving teams.

4. Chris Kaman ($9.5m till 2012) and Cuttino Mobley ($8.9m till 2010) for Shawn Marion ($17.8m till 2009)

I’ve always liked Frankenstein.

Chris Kaman is a workhorse. His game, as a big man, is as refined as any bigs in the league. He doesn’t demand the ball, but can put up 20-10 games in his sleep. His hook shot is silk, he shoots above 70% from the line, and he’s only 26 years old.

The problem? They just traded for Marcus Camby, and there is a logjam in the post. Camby, though long-in-tooth at 34, is perfect for a run-and-gun offense, the style Baron Davis and Al Thorton would be successful with. Kaman? Let’s just say he won’t be leading the fast break.

So, Kaman’s on the outs, and the Clippers are looking for a running power forward. Keep in mind that Camby and Baron are not getting any younger, and the window for these Clippers to be successful is about 2 years.

Now let’s look to the youth movement in Miami. Shawn Marion is completely out-of-place. With no prominent point guard, we now see the player he is: 15-and-9 hustle player, getting points mainly on put-backs and open jumpers. He can still get up the floor and elevate, but in a set offense his skills diminish. Plus, this is the last year of his contract, and the Heat aren’t set to make any moves next year with the cap room he frees up. It would clear the way for Udonis Haslem (completely underappreciated) to step in with Michael Beasley, Wade, and the eventual Mario Chalmers.

Oh, and the Heat need a center. The Ilgauskas to Dewayne Wade’s Lebron. That is a solid lineup. I’m sold on this.

5. Kirk Hinrich ($10m till 2012) for Chris Wilcox ($6.7 till 2009) and Jeff Green ($3.2m till 2010)

Sooner or later the Thunder is going to figure out Kevin Durant should be playing at small forward. That way, they can move the talented Russell Westbrook to shooting guard, and let him explode for the 15-4-and-4 he is capable of. At that point, they will realize that Earl Watson, though a smart and assist-happy point guard, is far to small and shoots far too poorly.

In this fictitious world, the Thunder will then realize they have two of the same player in Chris Wilcox and Nick Collison, both of whom would excel if not for the other. In my mind, that means one is expendable.

So, let’s look at the Bulls, who would be willing to sell their souls to part with Kirk Hinrich’s salary and give the keys to their #1 draft pick, Derrick Rose. The fact that they get a starting center (when they were starting a converted small forward at center) and an upcoming young stud in Jeff Green only sweetens the deal. Plus, they’re both off the books by 2010 when several tempting free agents comes on the market.

End result? Both teams get better. I swear, this is too simple. It’s like simple math, but with players’ careers. I carried the one, right?

* * *

Happy regular season, folks. Yes, I’m just as excited as you are.