This is an open call to The Real Ron Artest. The passionate, well-versed, clever and witty Ron Artest. The one who holds hands, builds houses for troubled families, and takes thirty-someodd kids to a Sparks WNBA game on a whim. The guy who is saying all the right things for the media this offseason, despite more face time than the Kardashians got Booty-time. Yo, Ron. You paying attention?
Great. Now I'd like to call out to The Other Ron Artest. The bench-clearing, flagrant-foul-givin', Palace pouncer that is one part vindication and two parts low blows. The Terrell Owens of the NBA, except after Terrell makes his inevitable foray into the WWE. I'm talking to Ron Artest the enforcer, the shot-hoister, the stat-filler and coach killer.
You both listening? Good. We need each of you on board for this one.
Let me be absolutely clear: you absolutely cannot mess this season up. You fail here, and you will never redeem your career again. You ruin this good thing we have going in LA, and the rest of your basketball days will be tarnished by it. In LA, we fans run deep. We know our basketball, we know our history, and we have more than a passing interest in the Lake Show. We will be here longer than you. We have more influence than you. Win us over, and you will be a Hall of Famer. Lose our faith, and you will never see this level of love again.
Think Cedric Ceballos. Nick Van Exel. Smush Parker. There's a lot of ways this could go, and a lot of ways this could go badly. And Rons, that applies to both of you.
***
Let me first say that we, as a Laker fanbase, have faith in you. We see the skills. Hell, you played in our division for a couple years now, and much of your shot-hocking Iversonian reputation was garnered from the fact you had to carry crap teams that couldn’t score for themselves. You were their only option on offense, and their best defender. We saw it, too. Yes, we want you on our team.
But, as we had both televisions and were conscious this last decade, we’ve all seen what you can do if things don’t go your way. And if they remember you in Chicago, and in Indiana, just think about how they will remember you here. We still get shivers when we hear the name Kermit, and that was over thirty years ago.
As of now, Staples is an antic-free zone. No huffing, no tantrums. Don’t even roll your eyes. Keep your head down and do your damn job. Because you, Rons, have a real coach now, and teammates that will call you on your BS.
In Sacramento and Houston, you were the story no matter what happened. In LA, the Lakers are the story, Kobe is the lead, and you play the enemy who defected to help the Allies. You have our hesitant trust. But we need some collateral from you first, and it needs to come on the hardwood.
Nothing matters more to us, and nothing should matter more to you, than production in purple and gold.
***
So, what is it that we expect out of Ron Artests? Well, we’re not stupid. We know you are good because of your tenacity, Rons. Without that, you wouldn’t be as successful or as capable on the court…you wouldn’t be an All Star. We want you to go balls-out, to be everywhere, to be confident. Cuz that’s you, man! So, dunk on people. Foul hard. Hustle. That’s the guy we signed, we expect that from you, and we will understand the repercussions.
But sometimes, it’s hard to leash in that tenacity.
Basically, we can tolerate a flagrant foul here and there. We can deal with a couple tech’s from arguing calls over the course of a season. We will look past your shorty-shorts. We won’t even mind it if you call out other teams, like when you challenged Houston this offseason, saying you won’t shoot once, just D the hell out of everyone on the court.
We dig that. That’s awesome. And we need that on this Laker team, because if we have one vulnerability, it’s the occasional tendency to be pushed around.
I want you to D-up Andrew Bynum in practice, and teach him to become a force down low. I want you to take Jordan Farmar and Sasha Vujacic into a closed room, emerging only when they have learned defense and rotations. I want you, Luke Walton, and Lamar Odom to go down to the ESPN Zone and buy drinks for people on a Friday night, and not only because it would be hilarious to see.
I want you to praise Phil. I want you to compliment your teammates. Be embarrassed at losses, be humble in victory.
And these are all things that are completely in your power, Rons. These are goals that can be accomplished. And if you do these things, I will promise you now, we will have at least one more championship, and your number will be in the rafters, retired next to the best ballers ever.
How’s that sound to you two?
That is your goal. Positive influence. Leadership. Veteran know-how. Be our Ray Lewis, lead the defensive rotation (but don’t kill anyone). Strike fear in your opponents whenever they head your way. Spread the offense and hit your threes. This is what we ask of you.
And no one cares if you Tweet or not during all this. If it keeps you happy, so be it. Tweet to your heart’s content. But your words will be more powerful with a ring on your finger.
***
There’s a reason I am writing this open letter to both of you. It’s because we Laker fans are not sure which one of you is going to show up. And I’ll be honest: we’re scared of you.
You could single-handedly blow up this Laker championship team. Even though we won playing at about 75% of our potential last season, there are bigger fish to fry this year. Cleveland. Boston. Even San Antonio has gotten better. One tantrum, or one quote about your lack of confidence in the team could upset the balance of this Laker season.
Talent-wise, this is one of the most gifted teams in Laker history, which puts them in the running for the most talented all-time. But sanity-wise? With passive-aggressive Phil at the helm, obsessive-compulsive Kobe leading the charge, and now Ron Artest?
Ron, and other Ron, we don’t need any more jalapeños in this chili. Add some spice, but don’t kill the flavor, please. There are millions of fans and dedicated followers that are holding their breath on your performance, not to mention the 29 other teams that are gunning for the target on the Laker's backs this season. They will test you, they will provoke you. Do not fall victim to being, well, you.
In return, all past transgressions will be forgotten, and you will be warmly welcomed into the arms of the NBA legends.
Which is something I believe all three of us can agree on.
Great. Now I'd like to call out to The Other Ron Artest. The bench-clearing, flagrant-foul-givin', Palace pouncer that is one part vindication and two parts low blows. The Terrell Owens of the NBA, except after Terrell makes his inevitable foray into the WWE. I'm talking to Ron Artest the enforcer, the shot-hoister, the stat-filler and coach killer.You both listening? Good. We need each of you on board for this one.
Let me be absolutely clear: you absolutely cannot mess this season up. You fail here, and you will never redeem your career again. You ruin this good thing we have going in LA, and the rest of your basketball days will be tarnished by it. In LA, we fans run deep. We know our basketball, we know our history, and we have more than a passing interest in the Lake Show. We will be here longer than you. We have more influence than you. Win us over, and you will be a Hall of Famer. Lose our faith, and you will never see this level of love again.
Think Cedric Ceballos. Nick Van Exel. Smush Parker. There's a lot of ways this could go, and a lot of ways this could go badly. And Rons, that applies to both of you.
***
Let me first say that we, as a Laker fanbase, have faith in you. We see the skills. Hell, you played in our division for a couple years now, and much of your shot-hocking Iversonian reputation was garnered from the fact you had to carry crap teams that couldn’t score for themselves. You were their only option on offense, and their best defender. We saw it, too. Yes, we want you on our team.
But, as we had both televisions and were conscious this last decade, we’ve all seen what you can do if things don’t go your way. And if they remember you in Chicago, and in Indiana, just think about how they will remember you here. We still get shivers when we hear the name Kermit, and that was over thirty years ago.
As of now, Staples is an antic-free zone. No huffing, no tantrums. Don’t even roll your eyes. Keep your head down and do your damn job. Because you, Rons, have a real coach now, and teammates that will call you on your BS.
In Sacramento and Houston, you were the story no matter what happened. In LA, the Lakers are the story, Kobe is the lead, and you play the enemy who defected to help the Allies. You have our hesitant trust. But we need some collateral from you first, and it needs to come on the hardwood.Nothing matters more to us, and nothing should matter more to you, than production in purple and gold.
***
So, what is it that we expect out of Ron Artests? Well, we’re not stupid. We know you are good because of your tenacity, Rons. Without that, you wouldn’t be as successful or as capable on the court…you wouldn’t be an All Star. We want you to go balls-out, to be everywhere, to be confident. Cuz that’s you, man! So, dunk on people. Foul hard. Hustle. That’s the guy we signed, we expect that from you, and we will understand the repercussions.
But sometimes, it’s hard to leash in that tenacity.
Basically, we can tolerate a flagrant foul here and there. We can deal with a couple tech’s from arguing calls over the course of a season. We will look past your shorty-shorts. We won’t even mind it if you call out other teams, like when you challenged Houston this offseason, saying you won’t shoot once, just D the hell out of everyone on the court.
We dig that. That’s awesome. And we need that on this Laker team, because if we have one vulnerability, it’s the occasional tendency to be pushed around.
I want you to D-up Andrew Bynum in practice, and teach him to become a force down low. I want you to take Jordan Farmar and Sasha Vujacic into a closed room, emerging only when they have learned defense and rotations. I want you, Luke Walton, and Lamar Odom to go down to the ESPN Zone and buy drinks for people on a Friday night, and not only because it would be hilarious to see.I want you to praise Phil. I want you to compliment your teammates. Be embarrassed at losses, be humble in victory.
And these are all things that are completely in your power, Rons. These are goals that can be accomplished. And if you do these things, I will promise you now, we will have at least one more championship, and your number will be in the rafters, retired next to the best ballers ever.
How’s that sound to you two?
That is your goal. Positive influence. Leadership. Veteran know-how. Be our Ray Lewis, lead the defensive rotation (but don’t kill anyone). Strike fear in your opponents whenever they head your way. Spread the offense and hit your threes. This is what we ask of you.
And no one cares if you Tweet or not during all this. If it keeps you happy, so be it. Tweet to your heart’s content. But your words will be more powerful with a ring on your finger.
***
There’s a reason I am writing this open letter to both of you. It’s because we Laker fans are not sure which one of you is going to show up. And I’ll be honest: we’re scared of you.
You could single-handedly blow up this Laker championship team. Even though we won playing at about 75% of our potential last season, there are bigger fish to fry this year. Cleveland. Boston. Even San Antonio has gotten better. One tantrum, or one quote about your lack of confidence in the team could upset the balance of this Laker season.
Talent-wise, this is one of the most gifted teams in Laker history, which puts them in the running for the most talented all-time. But sanity-wise? With passive-aggressive Phil at the helm, obsessive-compulsive Kobe leading the charge, and now Ron Artest?Ron, and other Ron, we don’t need any more jalapeños in this chili. Add some spice, but don’t kill the flavor, please. There are millions of fans and dedicated followers that are holding their breath on your performance, not to mention the 29 other teams that are gunning for the target on the Laker's backs this season. They will test you, they will provoke you. Do not fall victim to being, well, you.
In return, all past transgressions will be forgotten, and you will be warmly welcomed into the arms of the NBA legends.
Which is something I believe all three of us can agree on.
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