This is Part 2 of a 3-part series. You can find the original post here. The final posting will be made in the next couple days, so check back here. Each NBA team is assigned a Gross Pointe Blank quote, and analyzed.
19. Debi: You're a psychopath.
Marty: No, no. Psychopaths kill for no reason. I kill for *money*. It's a *job*. That didn't come out right.
Team: The San Antonio Spurs, and their mechanical, surgical style of mercilessly doing everything perfectly. God damn them. As a Laker fan, I loathe every awesome move they make. To jump movies here, it’s like in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, when the human STD Aldous Snow nails Peter’s “Vampire Puppet Musical” idea by saying it’s “ like a dark, gothic Neil Diamond” and Peter just is in distress at how perfectly it nails his intentions.
Marty: No, no. Psychopaths kill for no reason. I kill for *money*. It's a *job*. That didn't come out right.
Team: The San Antonio Spurs, and their mechanical, surgical style of mercilessly doing everything perfectly. God damn them. As a Laker fan, I loathe every awesome move they make. To jump movies here, it’s like in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, when the human STD Aldous Snow nails Peter’s “Vampire Puppet Musical” idea by saying it’s “ like a dark, gothic Neil Diamond” and Peter just is in distress at how perfectly it nails his intentions. (Sidenote: I don't care how drugged up and foreign Russell Brand is. HE IS HILARIOUS. I mean, look at Kimmel try and stay up with him. And the audition scene from Sarah Marshall? I think it was funnier than the whole movie combined. Just sayin. Moving on...)
I hate everything the Spurs are about. They were the steely, lifeless opponents of my Lakers for so long. But sometimes, as a basketball fan, you have to look at your opponent and say “That’s, like, EXACTLY what I was going for. F***, you’re cool!” and be in awe and disappointed by that realization at the same time. That’s the Spurs.
The Richard Jefferson move? They provided insurance for the injury-prone Manu Ginobili, adding another slasher/scorer who can hit an open 3 who respects strong-willed coaches and set systems. Before that, they were sitting at #37 in the second round of the draft, and take the strong and versatile DeJuan Blair, the 6’6” forward out of Pitt (with a wingspan of 7’2”!!!!) who was thought to go #13th to the Pacers. Honestly, if there was ever to be another Charles Barkley in this league, Blair is the best prospect. He can finish strong, and “has hands like a vice grip”, as Chad Ford states. He’s sure to get some important minutes as they rest Tim Duncan, who is into the death throes of both a prestigious and poker-faced career.
Definitely a quality off season. Only thing that could derail them is the same as ever, namely injuries sustained from foreign basketball competitions. Someone should do something about that.
Last Season: 54-28 (tenth straight year with 50 wins! Jeebus.) Projected: 56-26
18. Debi: Where are all the good men dead, in the heart or in the head?
Team: The Sacramento Kings. Listen, I blame last year’s horrendous showing on two things: 1) Kevin Martin’s injury-ridden season, and 2) The rest of the team having absolutely nothing to offer. Too blunt?
Seriously, they have a bunch of players with a lot of potential and fan support (Jason Thompson, Beno Udrih, Andres Nocioni) who offer little in actuality. I am of the belief that if you put a panda bear out there instead of Spencer Hawes for 20 minutes a night, he’d average 11 and 7 as well (while driving ratings in the Asian market, too.)
I wish I had better analysis than “these guys just need better players”, but it’s completely true, right? Nocioni is a liability on defense, Francisco Garcia should probably be playing baseball, and there are five guys directly behind Tyreke Evans that I would have taken before him in the draft.
The solution? Get an established player. Ben Gordon would have worked here, or even Rasheed Wallace. Someone to provide accountability to the young gunners, maybe make them slow their roll. You’re just not going to put Bay Area butts in the seats with “meet Omri Casspi on Sunday!”
Last Season: 17-65 Projected: 15-67
17. Marty: Why are you so interested in me going to my high school reunion?
Marcella: I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere.
Team: The Portland Trailblazers, who are going to finally make “The Leap” this season. First, it was genius signing Brandon Roy as your immediate summer priority. Doing so officially makes him the face of your franchise…a young, pleasant, marketable fella who wants nothing more than to win and smile. (He's like me on sinus medication.) It’s not too often that I’m reminded of Magic Johnson in players these days, but if you gave Magic decent-looking jumper instead of his insane court vision, well, Brandon Roy would be close to your end result.
All bro-mances aside, this team is filled with young and promising talent who are all improving together. LaMarcus Aldridge will be an All-Star this year. Rudy Fernandez is going to take Manu Ginobili’s spot as the league’s crafty white foreigner who nails big 3’s and throws down dunks when you least expect it. (Crafty White Foreigner…another good band name.) And if they get any production out of what I hear is a more slender, nimbler Greg Oden…well
Finally, the addition of Andre Miller will fill their hole at the PG, a spot they were filling last year with either Steve Blake or a crash test dummy, I’m not sure which. (They both seem to be making the same face.) And they still nearly made it to the conference finals.
I have nothing but faith in Nate McMillan, and teams in general that hire ex-players to coach for them. And as the Pacific Northwest has little going for it right about now, it’s a good thing the future looks so bright for the Blazers. So let's Bro-Hug it out, Brandon.
Last Season: 54-28 Projected: 56-26
16. Marcella: You know, when you started getting invited to your ten year high school reunion, time is catching up.
Martin Q. Blank: Are you talking about a sense of my own mortality or a fear of death?
Marcella: Well, I never really thought about it quite like that.
Martin Q. Blank: Did you go to yours?
Marcella: Yes, I did. It was just as if everyone had swelled.
Team: The Dallas Mavericks, and their All-Star Starters circa 2001. Except, it’s not 2001. In a previous life, I would have been stoked to see Shawn Marion and Jason Kidd running the break together, converting alley-oops and back-doors. But in 2009, Shawn Marion isn’t a starter anymore, and Jason Kidd lets people go by him like the turnstile at the county fair.
Every player on this team is overrated. Every one. Wait, scratch that…JJ Barea is actually pretty good. But aside from him, Jason Terry is a “chucker” (adj. chuck⋅er, [chuhk-er] to throw or hoist the ball at the basket at any and all opportunities. See: Black Hole.) Josh Howard, when he’s not smoking the reefer or dissing America, is a decent 18 ppg player who thinks he’s a godly 28 ppg diva. And Dirk? I don’t think I’ve seen someone age so quickly since Jimmy Carter left office.
Even Rick Carlisle is depressing. He’s coached both Detroit and Indiana right before their respective downfalls, boasts a career .486 playoff win percentage, and seems to be a perennial 50-32 coach. No more, no less. It’s like shooting a movie with Ben Affleck: he wasn’t your first choice, and he won’t put out the best product, but he’ll fill out the empty space until something else happens. Or you decide to make a different movie.
Last Season: 50-32 Projected: 50-32 (duh.)
15. Mr. Newberry: What have you been doing with your life?
Marty: Uh... professional killer.
Mr. Newberry: Oh! Good for you, it's a... growth industry.
Team: The New Orleans Hornets. I did not expect that out of them last season. I had the Hornets penciled in as challengers for the Conference Title, not barely scraping by as playoff hopefuls. When they are properly motivated, their top six players can compete with anyone. But, as Bill Simmons said, teams seem to give up on Byron Scott after their third year with him. Happened in New Jersey, and it seems to be happening here.
Let’s look at the positives. As long as they have Chris Paul, they have a puncher’s chance at a title. End of story. The little guard with the most utilized off-arm in all of basketball (seriously, every drive he is pushing off) led the league in both assists and steals last season, while averaging an admirable 22 ppg and shooting over 50% from the floor.
That’s an MVP season, right there. But, as they didn’t cross that 50-win threshold, they gave it to Lebron, and I guess you can’t really argue against that.
Here’s the recipe for this season. CP3 will continue to get David West open 15-footers, making him seem far better than he actually is. Copy and paste that last sentence with Peja Stojakovic and corner 3’s. James Posey will continue to do the little things, like scrounge for offensive boards and hit the occasional 3, and will continue to fail at the big ones, like become a reliable scorer and production player.
And the trade of Tyson Chandler for Emeka Okafor? Doesn’t mean much. Both players have failed to inspire me. At best, Okafor will get 2 more dunks a game, and at worst the oft-injured big guy will…continue to get hurt. I think it’s a wash.
I hate everything the Spurs are about. They were the steely, lifeless opponents of my Lakers for so long. But sometimes, as a basketball fan, you have to look at your opponent and say “That’s, like, EXACTLY what I was going for. F***, you’re cool!” and be in awe and disappointed by that realization at the same time. That’s the Spurs.The Richard Jefferson move? They provided insurance for the injury-prone Manu Ginobili, adding another slasher/scorer who can hit an open 3 who respects strong-willed coaches and set systems. Before that, they were sitting at #37 in the second round of the draft, and take the strong and versatile DeJuan Blair, the 6’6” forward out of Pitt (with a wingspan of 7’2”!!!!) who was thought to go #13th to the Pacers. Honestly, if there was ever to be another Charles Barkley in this league, Blair is the best prospect. He can finish strong, and “has hands like a vice grip”, as Chad Ford states. He’s sure to get some important minutes as they rest Tim Duncan, who is into the death throes of both a prestigious and poker-faced career.
Definitely a quality off season. Only thing that could derail them is the same as ever, namely injuries sustained from foreign basketball competitions. Someone should do something about that.
Last Season: 54-28 (tenth straight year with 50 wins! Jeebus.) Projected: 56-26
18. Debi: Where are all the good men dead, in the heart or in the head?
Team: The Sacramento Kings. Listen, I blame last year’s horrendous showing on two things: 1) Kevin Martin’s injury-ridden season, and 2) The rest of the team having absolutely nothing to offer. Too blunt?Seriously, they have a bunch of players with a lot of potential and fan support (Jason Thompson, Beno Udrih, Andres Nocioni) who offer little in actuality. I am of the belief that if you put a panda bear out there instead of Spencer Hawes for 20 minutes a night, he’d average 11 and 7 as well (while driving ratings in the Asian market, too.)
I wish I had better analysis than “these guys just need better players”, but it’s completely true, right? Nocioni is a liability on defense, Francisco Garcia should probably be playing baseball, and there are five guys directly behind Tyreke Evans that I would have taken before him in the draft.The solution? Get an established player. Ben Gordon would have worked here, or even Rasheed Wallace. Someone to provide accountability to the young gunners, maybe make them slow their roll. You’re just not going to put Bay Area butts in the seats with “meet Omri Casspi on Sunday!”
Last Season: 17-65 Projected: 15-67
17. Marty: Why are you so interested in me going to my high school reunion?
Marcella: I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere.
Team: The Portland Trailblazers, who are going to finally make “The Leap” this season. First, it was genius signing Brandon Roy as your immediate summer priority. Doing so officially makes him the face of your franchise…a young, pleasant, marketable fella who wants nothing more than to win and smile. (He's like me on sinus medication.) It’s not too often that I’m reminded of Magic Johnson in players these days, but if you gave Magic decent-looking jumper instead of his insane court vision, well, Brandon Roy would be close to your end result.
All bro-mances aside, this team is filled with young and promising talent who are all improving together. LaMarcus Aldridge will be an All-Star this year. Rudy Fernandez is going to take Manu Ginobili’s spot as the league’s crafty white foreigner who nails big 3’s and throws down dunks when you least expect it. (Crafty White Foreigner…another good band name.) And if they get any production out of what I hear is a more slender, nimbler Greg Oden…wellFinally, the addition of Andre Miller will fill their hole at the PG, a spot they were filling last year with either Steve Blake or a crash test dummy, I’m not sure which. (They both seem to be making the same face.) And they still nearly made it to the conference finals.
I have nothing but faith in Nate McMillan, and teams in general that hire ex-players to coach for them. And as the Pacific Northwest has little going for it right about now, it’s a good thing the future looks so bright for the Blazers. So let's Bro-Hug it out, Brandon.
Last Season: 54-28 Projected: 56-26
16. Marcella: You know, when you started getting invited to your ten year high school reunion, time is catching up.
Martin Q. Blank: Are you talking about a sense of my own mortality or a fear of death?
Marcella: Well, I never really thought about it quite like that.
Martin Q. Blank: Did you go to yours?
Marcella: Yes, I did. It was just as if everyone had swelled.
Team: The Dallas Mavericks, and their All-Star Starters circa 2001. Except, it’s not 2001. In a previous life, I would have been stoked to see Shawn Marion and Jason Kidd running the break together, converting alley-oops and back-doors. But in 2009, Shawn Marion isn’t a starter anymore, and Jason Kidd lets people go by him like the turnstile at the county fair.
Every player on this team is overrated. Every one. Wait, scratch that…JJ Barea is actually pretty good. But aside from him, Jason Terry is a “chucker” (adj. chuck⋅er, [chuhk-er] to throw or hoist the ball at the basket at any and all opportunities. See: Black Hole.) Josh Howard, when he’s not smoking the reefer or dissing America, is a decent 18 ppg player who thinks he’s a godly 28 ppg diva. And Dirk? I don’t think I’ve seen someone age so quickly since Jimmy Carter left office.Even Rick Carlisle is depressing. He’s coached both Detroit and Indiana right before their respective downfalls, boasts a career .486 playoff win percentage, and seems to be a perennial 50-32 coach. No more, no less. It’s like shooting a movie with Ben Affleck: he wasn’t your first choice, and he won’t put out the best product, but he’ll fill out the empty space until something else happens. Or you decide to make a different movie.
Last Season: 50-32 Projected: 50-32 (duh.)
15. Mr. Newberry: What have you been doing with your life?
Marty: Uh... professional killer.
Mr. Newberry: Oh! Good for you, it's a... growth industry.
Team: The New Orleans Hornets. I did not expect that out of them last season. I had the Hornets penciled in as challengers for the Conference Title, not barely scraping by as playoff hopefuls. When they are properly motivated, their top six players can compete with anyone. But, as Bill Simmons said, teams seem to give up on Byron Scott after their third year with him. Happened in New Jersey, and it seems to be happening here.
Let’s look at the positives. As long as they have Chris Paul, they have a puncher’s chance at a title. End of story. The little guard with the most utilized off-arm in all of basketball (seriously, every drive he is pushing off) led the league in both assists and steals last season, while averaging an admirable 22 ppg and shooting over 50% from the floor.That’s an MVP season, right there. But, as they didn’t cross that 50-win threshold, they gave it to Lebron, and I guess you can’t really argue against that.
Here’s the recipe for this season. CP3 will continue to get David West open 15-footers, making him seem far better than he actually is. Copy and paste that last sentence with Peja Stojakovic and corner 3’s. James Posey will continue to do the little things, like scrounge for offensive boards and hit the occasional 3, and will continue to fail at the big ones, like become a reliable scorer and production player.
And the trade of Tyson Chandler for Emeka Okafor? Doesn’t mean much. Both players have failed to inspire me. At best, Okafor will get 2 more dunks a game, and at worst the oft-injured big guy will…continue to get hurt. I think it’s a wash.
(Note and Update: Rasual Butler was just traded to the Clippers for a second-round pick. Now, Rasual Butler is a decent player, and an excellent sixth man. What are the Hornets doing here? What is their goal for this next season? Is there a player coming out in the draft that they really want, and are already tanking for?)
Last Season: 49-33 Projected: 47-35
14. Paul: I've got to get something off my chest. Have you been home to see the old house?
Martin Q. Blank: Yeah. Torn down in the name of convenience.
Paul: Yeah, I brokered the deal
Martin Q. Blank: Oh, wow. Wow.
Paul: I tried to get a family there, but Ultimart made the best offer.
Martin Q. Blank: Well, thank you for profiting on my childhood.
Team: The Golden State Warriors. Seriously, what is going on in the Bay Area? Is the drinking water contaminated with poor choices?
Listen, Chris Mullin. You don’t have a center AND NO ANDRIS BIEDRINS DOES NOT COUNT. You have a power forward in Corey Maggette, who is really a fat small forward, who seems more content getting to the foul line than creating productive offensive possessions. You have a hotheaded small forward in Steven Jackson (see: chucker) who actually has a tattoo of praying hands holding a gun, which is appropriate after his history of gun charges.
Last Season: 49-33 Projected: 47-35
14. Paul: I've got to get something off my chest. Have you been home to see the old house?
Martin Q. Blank: Yeah. Torn down in the name of convenience.
Paul: Yeah, I brokered the deal
Martin Q. Blank: Oh, wow. Wow.
Paul: I tried to get a family there, but Ultimart made the best offer.
Martin Q. Blank: Well, thank you for profiting on my childhood.
Team: The Golden State Warriors. Seriously, what is going on in the Bay Area? Is the drinking water contaminated with poor choices?Listen, Chris Mullin. You don’t have a center AND NO ANDRIS BIEDRINS DOES NOT COUNT. You have a power forward in Corey Maggette, who is really a fat small forward, who seems more content getting to the foul line than creating productive offensive possessions. You have a hotheaded small forward in Steven Jackson (see: chucker) who actually has a tattoo of praying hands holding a gun, which is appropriate after his history of gun charges.
(I kid you not. Praying hands, and a GUN. What does this even mean? What message can we take from this? The gun is aimed towards the heavens! What, you wanna shoot GOD, Steven? I'm sure he's more powerful than you, no matter how many 3's you shoot.)
Finally, you have two undersized shooting guards in Monta Ellis and the recently drafted Stephen Curry, one of whom will have to bring up the ball. How will this end?
You need to score about 140 points to win any game. You will either be the most entertaining team in the history of the league, or you will lose so badly so often that they may close down Oakland for good. Which may not be a negative.
Truth be told, Stephen Curry is going to have a nice career in this league. He just seems more at ease on the basketball court than any of his contemporaries. If he wants space for his jumper, he finds it. If he wants to set up his teammate, he does so. Were the Warriors really to cater to his abilities, they’d trade one of their gunners for a good screen-and-roll man. Or they’d trade Curry himself, so he can go be successful elsewhere.
Let’s just say I’d be thoroughly surprised if they threatened to make the playoffs this season.
Last Season: 29-53 Projected: 31-51
13. Martin Q. Blank: Do you *really* believe that there's some stored up conflict that exists between us? There *is* no us. *We* don't exist. So who do you wanna hit, man? It's not me.
Team: The Milwaukee Bucks. Name for me, if you will, three Milwaukee Bucks. I dare you. You know what? If you can name four, you actually live in Milwaukee. That’s the only way.
Milwaukee has made a half-hearted effort to be an NBA team for the last five years. They take the second-tier players discarded by other teams, and collect them. The hodge-podge result is neither cohesive nor is it enjoyable. Their meal ticket, Michael Redd, is following the Glen Rice projection path, namely he is an outside shooter that can’t drive to the hole anymore, so defenders crowd him into a low shooting percentage.
Plus, Redd’s last three seasons’ game totals look like this: 53, 72, 33. Not exactly a reliable option when you only play 62% of your team’s games.
Their off-season additions were admirable, however. Amir Johnson will finally get his time to shine after being stuck behind a crowd of power forwards in Detroit. Roko Ukic was acquired from Toronto, and is a decent and crafty ballhandler who can provide some back-up PG help. Of course, he won’t see much of the court behind Luke Ridnour and draftee Brandon Jennings (who’s gigantic ego may keep him from being content on the bench for long.)
I’ve been a fan of Jennings since he donned the high-top fade in high school, and applauded his trip to Greece to play ball in lieu of a one-year stop at Arizona. His mixed tape has already made the rounds on YouTube, and he has the right amount of cockiness/swagger that can take him far in this league. He just has to keep it in check, and keep from getting hotheaded, like punching out Luc Richard Mbah a Moute or something (which I could totally see happening. The two cultures clashing, it’s inevitable, isn’t it?)
I see another sub-par showing by the Bucks, possibly punctuated by a couple nice Jennings moves, and maybe a couple fans in the arena to actually see it.
Last Season: 34-48 Projected: 28-54
13. Dr. Oatman: Don't kill anybody for a few days. See what it feels like.
Martin Q. Blank: Alright, I'll give it a shot.
Dr. Oatman: No, don't give it a shot! Don't shoot anything!
Team: The Chicago Bulls. Remember that Bulls/Celtics series? Wasn’t that just amazing? I still have chills thinking about it. That series will probably go down as one of the best of our lifetime. Seven games, seven total overtimes, and four games decided by less than four points. Incredible.
So, resigning Ben Gordon was a moot point. It was never gonna happen. He knew it, the Bulls knew it, the whole league knew it. So does that make that amazing 7-game series like the best break-up sex ever? I vote yea.
As the Bulls emerged defeated from that epic character-test of a series, they realized a couple things. First, Derrick Rose is big-time. He can handle the limelight, he can handle the rock. They would be well served to build around him during the upcoming years, a la Portland and Brandon Roy. (Note: it recently came out that Rose only eats chicken, and nothing else. How could you not like this guy?)
You need to score about 140 points to win any game. You will either be the most entertaining team in the history of the league, or you will lose so badly so often that they may close down Oakland for good. Which may not be a negative.Truth be told, Stephen Curry is going to have a nice career in this league. He just seems more at ease on the basketball court than any of his contemporaries. If he wants space for his jumper, he finds it. If he wants to set up his teammate, he does so. Were the Warriors really to cater to his abilities, they’d trade one of their gunners for a good screen-and-roll man. Or they’d trade Curry himself, so he can go be successful elsewhere.
Let’s just say I’d be thoroughly surprised if they threatened to make the playoffs this season.
Last Season: 29-53 Projected: 31-51
13. Martin Q. Blank: Do you *really* believe that there's some stored up conflict that exists between us? There *is* no us. *We* don't exist. So who do you wanna hit, man? It's not me.
Team: The Milwaukee Bucks. Name for me, if you will, three Milwaukee Bucks. I dare you. You know what? If you can name four, you actually live in Milwaukee. That’s the only way.Milwaukee has made a half-hearted effort to be an NBA team for the last five years. They take the second-tier players discarded by other teams, and collect them. The hodge-podge result is neither cohesive nor is it enjoyable. Their meal ticket, Michael Redd, is following the Glen Rice projection path, namely he is an outside shooter that can’t drive to the hole anymore, so defenders crowd him into a low shooting percentage.
Plus, Redd’s last three seasons’ game totals look like this: 53, 72, 33. Not exactly a reliable option when you only play 62% of your team’s games.Their off-season additions were admirable, however. Amir Johnson will finally get his time to shine after being stuck behind a crowd of power forwards in Detroit. Roko Ukic was acquired from Toronto, and is a decent and crafty ballhandler who can provide some back-up PG help. Of course, he won’t see much of the court behind Luke Ridnour and draftee Brandon Jennings (who’s gigantic ego may keep him from being content on the bench for long.)
I’ve been a fan of Jennings since he donned the high-top fade in high school, and applauded his trip to Greece to play ball in lieu of a one-year stop at Arizona. His mixed tape has already made the rounds on YouTube, and he has the right amount of cockiness/swagger that can take him far in this league. He just has to keep it in check, and keep from getting hotheaded, like punching out Luc Richard Mbah a Moute or something (which I could totally see happening. The two cultures clashing, it’s inevitable, isn’t it?)
I see another sub-par showing by the Bucks, possibly punctuated by a couple nice Jennings moves, and maybe a couple fans in the arena to actually see it.
Last Season: 34-48 Projected: 28-54
13. Dr. Oatman: Don't kill anybody for a few days. See what it feels like.
Martin Q. Blank: Alright, I'll give it a shot.
Dr. Oatman: No, don't give it a shot! Don't shoot anything!
Team: The Chicago Bulls. Remember that Bulls/Celtics series? Wasn’t that just amazing? I still have chills thinking about it. That series will probably go down as one of the best of our lifetime. Seven games, seven total overtimes, and four games decided by less than four points. Incredible.
So, resigning Ben Gordon was a moot point. It was never gonna happen. He knew it, the Bulls knew it, the whole league knew it. So does that make that amazing 7-game series like the best break-up sex ever? I vote yea.As the Bulls emerged defeated from that epic character-test of a series, they realized a couple things. First, Derrick Rose is big-time. He can handle the limelight, he can handle the rock. They would be well served to build around him during the upcoming years, a la Portland and Brandon Roy. (Note: it recently came out that Rose only eats chicken, and nothing else. How could you not like this guy?)
I mean, this video is some fine work for a rookie point guard:
Second, Joakim Noah does not stink out loud, as previously thought. He is of championship pedigree at Florida, and although he looks like a cross between Bigfoot and Ghandi, he is fundamentally sound on the low block. And he never stops hustling, which is admirable. Oh - and a big plus, he cussed out Ben Wallace, which is highly admirable. (I’ve been waiting years to cuss out Ben Wallace.) Noah, I believe, was a big part of the change in attitude in Chicago, where they were just tired of rolling over for the other East powerhouses.
Now, if they can only find a replacement for the corpse that is Brad Miller, and give Ty Thomas some of whatever Tough Juice Caron Butler was drinking in 2007, we may have a decent challenger on our hands.
Last Season: 41-41 Projected: 44-38
12. Mr. Grocer: Here's the new stuff, kid. Durazac 15. Makes Prozac seem like a decaf latte. Want a couple? I've got jars.
Marty: I don't do that stuff anymore.
Mr. Grocer: No wonder you got the shakes. And don't say "do it," because I don't "do it." I *ingest* it, on orders from my neurophysiologist. It's legal. In five years they'll be putting it in the water for the citizens, like fluoride.
Team: The Washington Wizards. They have everything, EVERYTHING riding on Gilbert Arenas. Word has it that Gil is stronger and quicker than he has been in years, throwing down in rec games and leg-pressing 300-someodd pounds with his faulty knee.
The thing is…who knows. Who knows if this is for real. The Wizard fans and everyone in the District have heard this type of jargon for three years now. “Gil is healthier than ever. Gil is back to his old self.” Problem is, that translated to two seasons of non-production, and when your team so heavily relies upon you (both for wins and monetarily…he resigned for big dollars) when those promises don’t produce, you lose your fan base.
The Wizards have to figure out their goals this season. Are they in the middle of a youth movement with Nick Young and JaVale McGee? Or is their window for success still open for the Gil/Antwan Jamison/Caron Butler trio?
I say they give it one more push. If they can incorporate new acquisitions Mike Miller and Randy Foye successfully, and limit DeShawn Stevenson’s playing time to a negative number, they can easily make the playoffs. And, who knows, they may just pull off an upset against one of the Big 3 (Cleveland, Orlando, or Boston). Hey, it worked for Chicago last year.
Weird thing is, with all this talent, if the Wizards lose Brendan Haywood again, they don’t have a backup center. They’d be done. At that point, you may as well send this incarnation of the Wiz to the woodchipper, Fargo-style. Buzzzzzzz.
Last Season: 19-63 Projected: 43-41
11. Debi: So, is there a Mrs. Mysterio?
Martin: No, but I do have a very nice cat?
Debi: Not the same.
Martin : Well, you don't know my cat, it's very demanding.
Debi: It? You don't know if it's a boy or girl?
Martin: I respect its privacy.
Team: The Charlotte Bobcats, appropriately. This was my breakout team of the year last year. Only…that didn’t happen. Gerald Wallace got a couple concussions from jumping and forgetting to land, and it cost him a few weeks. (Seriously, this happened more than once.)
Second, Joakim Noah does not stink out loud, as previously thought. He is of championship pedigree at Florida, and although he looks like a cross between Bigfoot and Ghandi, he is fundamentally sound on the low block. And he never stops hustling, which is admirable. Oh - and a big plus, he cussed out Ben Wallace, which is highly admirable. (I’ve been waiting years to cuss out Ben Wallace.) Noah, I believe, was a big part of the change in attitude in Chicago, where they were just tired of rolling over for the other East powerhouses.
Now, if they can only find a replacement for the corpse that is Brad Miller, and give Ty Thomas some of whatever Tough Juice Caron Butler was drinking in 2007, we may have a decent challenger on our hands.
Last Season: 41-41 Projected: 44-38
12. Mr. Grocer: Here's the new stuff, kid. Durazac 15. Makes Prozac seem like a decaf latte. Want a couple? I've got jars.
Marty: I don't do that stuff anymore.
Mr. Grocer: No wonder you got the shakes. And don't say "do it," because I don't "do it." I *ingest* it, on orders from my neurophysiologist. It's legal. In five years they'll be putting it in the water for the citizens, like fluoride.
Team: The Washington Wizards. They have everything, EVERYTHING riding on Gilbert Arenas. Word has it that Gil is stronger and quicker than he has been in years, throwing down in rec games and leg-pressing 300-someodd pounds with his faulty knee.
The thing is…who knows. Who knows if this is for real. The Wizard fans and everyone in the District have heard this type of jargon for three years now. “Gil is healthier than ever. Gil is back to his old self.” Problem is, that translated to two seasons of non-production, and when your team so heavily relies upon you (both for wins and monetarily…he resigned for big dollars) when those promises don’t produce, you lose your fan base.The Wizards have to figure out their goals this season. Are they in the middle of a youth movement with Nick Young and JaVale McGee? Or is their window for success still open for the Gil/Antwan Jamison/Caron Butler trio?
I say they give it one more push. If they can incorporate new acquisitions Mike Miller and Randy Foye successfully, and limit DeShawn Stevenson’s playing time to a negative number, they can easily make the playoffs. And, who knows, they may just pull off an upset against one of the Big 3 (Cleveland, Orlando, or Boston). Hey, it worked for Chicago last year.
Weird thing is, with all this talent, if the Wizards lose Brendan Haywood again, they don’t have a backup center. They’d be done. At that point, you may as well send this incarnation of the Wiz to the woodchipper, Fargo-style. Buzzzzzzz.
Last Season: 19-63 Projected: 43-41
11. Debi: So, is there a Mrs. Mysterio?
Martin: No, but I do have a very nice cat?
Debi: Not the same.
Martin : Well, you don't know my cat, it's very demanding.
Debi: It? You don't know if it's a boy or girl?
Martin: I respect its privacy.
Team: The Charlotte Bobcats, appropriately. This was my breakout team of the year last year. Only…that didn’t happen. Gerald Wallace got a couple concussions from jumping and forgetting to land, and it cost him a few weeks. (Seriously, this happened more than once.) They traded for Vlad Radmanovic, who is like that grandma stuck on a cruise-control 40 MPH in the fast lane. With her blinker on. Boris Diaw’s head is permanently lodged six inches in the sand, and neither of the Nazr Mohommad or Raja Bell trades worked in their favor, either, but I ran out of analogies for being a pansy.
That’s four trades they lost out on, with the one remaining star getting bonked on the head repeatedly. Nice work, Larry Brown and Co. You sure you shouldn’t have held on to Jason Richardson? You sure you wanted EVERY OVERRATED PHOENIX SUN that Steve Nash made seem valuable?
Even despite all that, they still won 35 games, which is impressive, considering they won about two the season prior. And, they had a break-out performance by DJ Augustin, which helps when they try to bargain with Mr. 35% From-The-Field Raymond Felton. (Honestly, what is that guy’s problem? It’s like he got his whole game lawn-mowered since he was at North Carolina. Sean May too. Guess they don’t make Tarheels like they used to.)
Best case scenario? They make the playoffs and get butchered by Boston. Worst case? Well, considering the best-case sounds rough, let’s just close our eyes and wait until they relocate.
Last Season: 35-47 Projected: 25-57
That’s four trades they lost out on, with the one remaining star getting bonked on the head repeatedly. Nice work, Larry Brown and Co. You sure you shouldn’t have held on to Jason Richardson? You sure you wanted EVERY OVERRATED PHOENIX SUN that Steve Nash made seem valuable?Even despite all that, they still won 35 games, which is impressive, considering they won about two the season prior. And, they had a break-out performance by DJ Augustin, which helps when they try to bargain with Mr. 35% From-The-Field Raymond Felton. (Honestly, what is that guy’s problem? It’s like he got his whole game lawn-mowered since he was at North Carolina. Sean May too. Guess they don’t make Tarheels like they used to.)
Best case scenario? They make the playoffs and get butchered by Boston. Worst case? Well, considering the best-case sounds rough, let’s just close our eyes and wait until they relocate.
Last Season: 35-47 Projected: 25-57
Check back for Part 3, coming soon.
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