The Ultimate Shoe War PART 2

Team Adidas

Depth Chart

C Dwight Howard (Tim Duncan)

PF Kevin Garnett (Antwan Jamison)

SF Tracy McGrady (Josh Smith)

SG Gilbert Arenas (Leonardo Barbosa)

PG Chauncey Billups (Raymond Felton)

Team Nike

Depth Chart

C Amare Stoudamire (Elton Brand)

PF Dirk Nowitzki (Rasheed Wallace)

SF LeBron James (Paul Pierce)

SG Kobe Bryant (Vince Carter)

PG Steve Nash (Chris Paul)

The Ultimate Shoe War Part 2

Please refer to the last post, where the ground rules were laid down. This is the second half of the most important game in the history of…shoes.

HALFTIME (score: 58-56, Nike leads)

Nike locker room: The team enters in a hushed tone. Steve Nash is clapping his hands with a “get these guys some more Aderol” feel, just like Vlade did when Robert Horry destroyed the Kings’ souls in 2002.

Trust me, neither one of looked reassuring while doing it.

Nike is up at the half, but only marginally, and everyone knows they should be playing better. They’re wearing Nikes, God damn it! Where’s the air, the swoosh, the “boing”? (copywrite Nike) They should be killing these second-rate players.

On a golf course somewhere, Jordan shivers.

After a moment of whispers, Kobe says to no one in particular, “Man, I GOT to get the ball more,” and everyone looks at each other, thinking man, I was just about to say that about ME.

Rasheed rushes over and says something to Dirk, but Dirk honestly can’t understand a word of it. He nods out of fear for bodily harm.

Paul Pierce and Vince Carter begin to talk passionately about how, if they were playing right, the Adidas team wouldn’t have a prayer. Then they argue over the correct lyrics of “That’s Why We Pray” by MC Hammer for the rest of halftime.

Amare doesn’t say a word to anybody. He catches LeBron’s eyes for a moment, and they nod.

* * *

Walter Hermann comes out, and stands at half court. His hair is the halftime show.

* * *

Adidas locker room: No one can stop talking.

KG is talking about pride, passion, and the historic importance of winning this particular game. It’s as if he had played on the Celtics for a decade already, and grown up in Southie.

Gilbert starts to sh*t-talk about the Nike guys, saying they’re not nearly as good as billed…and how his shoes are much more comfortable than theirs, even though they are low-tops. (Every basketball player should cringe after reading that.)

Chauncey keeps talking fundamentals to Dwight, but it’s obvious he’s keeping an eye on the door, waiting for Rip Hamilton to arrive off of four screens and save the day.

Antwan Jamison and Tim Duncan keep saying, “C’mon guys, we got to win. We GOT to!” but no one gets too moved because, well, Antwan Jamison and Tim Duncan couldn’t inspire a basement full of stoned teenagers to get Doritos.

T-Mac secretly conspires to either take fifteen more shots this half. That, or to disappear entirely, and reappear five years down the road starring in daytime television.

3rd QUARTER

The whistle sounds to open the quarter, and T-Mac crumples instantly from the breeze. He clutches his back, knee, and ankle, which shouldn’t be humanly possible to do. No one is surprised…except they’re surprised it took him this long. He’s Mr. Half-Man-Half-A-Season. (Props due…somewhere. I didn’t make that up.)

Here’s a twist: Nash begins the period on the bench. And who else will bring up the ball? None other than Mr. James. With a Magic-ally nostalgic aura, LeBron bumps Billups down the court with relative ease, faces up, and after a quick dribble to draw the defender, he zips a pass to a back-dooring Amare. He puts in one of those quick dunks that are actually fiercer than they should be, and races back upcourt.

Gilbert misses a three with Kobe in his face, and LeBron repeats the showtime, around-the-back then a no-look to Kobe. You know, to reward him.

On the way back, Chauncey tosses a lousy post pass to Garnett, and LeBron pulls up for a three in transition.

Buckets. Magic could never do that.

Adidas calls time-out to talk it over, and set a new game plan. Score: 65-56, Nike.

The pace remains quick, and shots keep falling.. Josh Smith switches onto LeBron, and that slows him down for a bit. Josh Smith is a lot faster than anyone realizes. This is because he plays in Atlanta, and who watches Hawks games, anyways?

Rasheed Wallace gets a long rebound after an errant pass, banks in a three that he shouldn’t have taken, and then mouths off so much that he is T’ed up again and kicked out of the game. He drives over two puppies on the way home, too. Just kidding, ‘Sheed. Don’t hunt me down.

Slowly, Team Nike begins to settle for mid-range jumpers. The bricks echo through the abandoned building. Kobe, clang. LeBron, cong. Dirk, dausghudit (German…and yes, I just made that up).

Duncan sets up for his patented 20-foot bank shot. He hits a couple of them, but somehow can’t hit a 12-foot free throw to save his life. Go figure

Then, KG starts to hit 20-footers, which he somehow had room to add into his game. The dude’s only weak spot is, I dunno, Chutes and Ladders? (He’d probably get a double-double in that…if possible.)

Finally, Barbosa streaks past everyone for a couple tough lay-ups that clang in, and it’s a tie game, ladies and gentlemen! He moved so quick that there was even time left on the clock! Just enough time…for…

…Kobe to grab the rock and hit a 38-footer at the buzzer. Phenomenal quarter of basketball. 94-91, Team Nike, heading into the…

4th QUARTER

As everyone on the court is very athletic, and running against other very-athletic players, most of these guys are sweating worse than Pat Ewing by now. And since you can’t exactly beat the other team back on offense, there’s no benefit to pushing the ball. Steve Nash sits some more, and the game slows down.

Pat Riley would be proud.

(Jeff Van Gundy would jump someone’s leg. Cuz, that’s what he does.)

Right from the inbound, they get it to Elton Brand for a nice jump-hook.

Howard answers with basically the same move, but more fanfare.

Kobe gets in the post on Josh Smith, and upfakes the BeJesus out of him. Fade for two, and the foul.

Amare catches KG cheating and reverses it with the left, then blocks the unholy crap out of a Chauncey floater in the lane.

The two teams begin one of the best sparring sequences in basketball. Neither team can stop each other. KG hits a fade on Brand, Dirk lulls the defense to sleep (by not moving – my father’s favorite offensive play) and hits a 15-footer, then Bron banks a fading runner on the right side, and-one.

Everyone’s screens are crisp and fundamental, the shots hit nothing but net, and everyone is in their element.

Beautiful basketball to watch. There’s really nothing better, is there?

Then, LeBron comes off a screen, and sees Howard switched on him. That’s how quick the situation was set up, just a simple switch on a screen. But LeBron instantly sees how much it matters. I am so sorry, he says to himself, that I have to do this to you, Dwight. And your career started with such promise.

One crossover later, ‘Bron raises up over a half-step-behind Dwight for a full-force nose-to-rim poster slam that sells out worldwide, is put on buildings, and is beamed into space as a representation of all the Human Race has become.

(The aliens are impressed.)

And so, as the two icons of the rival shoe companies meet, with one broad stroke the victor is decided. With that rising dunk, LeBron lifted Team Nike up and over Team Adidas.

There were five minutes left in the game, but Kobe spent them padding his stats, Dirk spent them looking goofy, and Nash was already icing his overly sore and overly white body.

Hugs abounded after the final buzzer, and the sides dispersed to their respective teams, fans, and cities. All that remained was the story.

When it was all said and done, each team understood what they had participated in. After all, it was the greatest game in history…

…for shoes.

FINAL SCORE: 124-115, Team Nike over Team Adidas.

MVP: LeBron James (32 pts, 10 rbs, 6 ast, 3 stl)
BOX SCORE: