The Premise: In a lonely and abandoned gym, a game of basketball takes place. There are no spectators. There are no coaches. There are no cameras, no cheerleaders, and no towel boys.
There are only the best players in the world, divided solely by their one most important corporate allegiance: their shoe company.
It is a timed game, run with all the rules of the NBA. The referees are nameless and faceless, but their calls are respected.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is The Ultimate Shoe War.
Our lineups*:
Team Adidas Depth Chart
C Dwight Howard (Tim Duncan)
PF Kevin Garnett (Antwan Jamison)
SF Tracy McGrady (Josh Smith)
SG Gilbert Arenas (Leonardo Barbosa)
PG Chauncey Billups (Raymond Felton)
Team Nike Depth Chart
C Amare Stoudamire (Elton Brand)
PF Dirk Nowitzki (Rasheed Wallace)
SF LeBron James (Paul Pierce)
SG Kobe Bryant (Vince Carter)
PG Steve Nash (Chris Paul)
Pre-game:
The players wander onto the court, bewildered and confused. As they take their pre-determined places on opposite sides of the court, there are some surprised looks - Gilbert Arenas and Tim Duncan find themselves completely healthy and injury-free. Indeed, all the players are in ideal physical condition.
They then decide upon the starting lineups above. Though there is an outcry for legends such as Tim Duncan and Paul Pierce to start, the teams negotiate a reasonable mediation: lineups trump legends. Victory matters here, and that is all. Duncan, Wallace, and the rest respect their talented counterparts and start the game on the bench.
All the players take a moment to make fun of LeBron James’ SNL appearance. They then get a full warm-up, and are ready to play.
.
.
.
First Quarter:
Lacking a true center, Team Adidas opts to rotate KG, Dwight Howard, and Tim Duncan intermittently throughout the game at power forward and center.
Kenyon Martin has been officially nominated to be their honorary Injured List player. He sits in the corner, looking thug.
Opening jump - Howard v. Stoudamire. Both players go up, but Howard goes up higher, and volleyball spikes the ball out of the arena. These guys are amped.
Team Nike inbounds to Dirk, who swings it to Kobe coming around a Stoudamire screen. Kobe jacks a three on Arenas, but hits iron. Howard Hoovers rebound.
(Note: from this point out, a Dwight Howard rebound will be abbreviated HHR for “Howard Hoovers rebound. This will happen often.)
Billups brings it over to the wing, and dumps it down low to KG. Nice backdoor cut by Gilbert, and he lays it in over Stoudamire. 2-0, Team Adidas on the board.
Quickly, the players develop a rhythm. Nash pushes the ball up a bit quicker than everyone else, but he’s getting bodied an awful lot by Billups. It seems these two are pissed for never meeting each other in the Finals. 
Dirk hit’s a corner three, just thankful to be playing with Nash again, even though they combine for the worst haircut duo since Milli Vanilli. A quick Kobe steal and Nash finds LeBron for the first highlight alley-oop for the night. 2-5, Nike.
Team Adidas looks obviously overmatched, as Kobe and Nash trap Billups on the inbound. McGrady gets the ball, brings it up, and heaves a contested three quickly, which is nowhere close to going in. But, alas, HHR (remember our code!) and easily dunks it in one motion.
On the bench, Rasheed Wallace somehow finds a vendor, and begins chowing down on a hot dog just for the hell of it.
Interesting matchups:
-Nash and Kobe: it could have happened, if the NBA didn’t stand for the No Balls League (props, Sports Guy) But their happy for this opportunity to be playing with each other, even though Kobe isn’t used to moving without the ball and not having to create his own shot. Likewise, Nash looks lost when Kobe gets it on the wing and sets up.
-Though the Nike team is clearly more talented, they look tentative. LeBron, Dirk, and Amare all hesitate when they get the ball, unsure what to do with this massive load of talent. However, Garnett and Team Adidas knows only one gear, and slowly begin to set up a respectable lead.
-Howard v. Stoudamire: it’s strange, but when these two bigs go at each other, their quickness and athleticism (usually their best asset) is negated by their defender. Howard is by far the better defender, but after a violently blocked shot, Stoudamire begins to take 17-footers. He makes his first two, and soon after Howard is subbed out for Duncan.
-Dirk looks completely lost. Everyone is so much quicker and stronger than he is, and so he’s relegated to standing out by the three-point-line hoping for passes out of the double. Like a 7-foot Steve Kerr. So, there’s only Stoudamire down low to rebound, and he’s having trouble keeping KG and Howard/Duncan away.
-Gilbert is eerily quiet. Which is the scariest motherf***ing thing I have ever considered.
McGrady and Nash trade three pointers to end the quarter, and Team Adidas is up 27-21.
Second Quarter:
Team Nike starts big, with Pierce in for Kobe and Rasheed in for Dirk. Paul Pierce proceeds to tool on Gilbert on three successive possessions, netting four points but setting up Garnett for a ridiculous swat. (He has learned!) They stare lasers at each other for a second, then giggle because they’re both kinda goofy.
Adidas goes with its defensive lineup, with Duncan, Howard, Antwan Jameson, Josh Smith, and Gilbert at point. Smith immediately steals the ball from Nash and streaks down the court, taking off near the free-throw line and almost kissing the rim. (He’s used to playing in front of no one.)
Nike calls timeout, and subs Chris Paul in for Nash.
(Deron Williams, who was closely edged out by Paul for this spot, is screaming into his pillow somewhere. Mehmet Okur consoles him.)
Rallying behind Chris Paul’s Red Bull offense, Team Nike goes on a 13-3 run and takes the lead. Kobe and Pierce are beginning to heat up from midrange, and Paul is getting to the basket with ease.
In the middle of the run, Rasheed Wallace earns a technical foul, even though the refs are only an abstract concept. The NBA: Where the Mathematically Impossible Happens.
For the Highlight Reel, LeBron cherry picks like he did in high school and earns an easy breakaway dunk, and Howard answers with a nice alley from Raymond Felton, a la David Robinson in that clip they keep replaying where Avery Johnson throws the ball backwards in the air and D-Rob puts it through, and proceeds to stare his hand down like he can’t believe it showboated like that. (He was always so straight-edge, that D-Rob.)
…Vince Carter daydreams about that play too, along with several other things, even though he happens to be on the court at the time.
Half-time score, 58-56 Team Nike.
…WHO WILL WIN SHOE WARS?!
Second Half coming in the next installment! Expect it by Monday.
*Lineups are selected from the players listed on both the Nike Basketball and Adidas Basketball home pages. However, the Nike one may be out-dated, as it states Jason Richardson is still on Golden State, Derek Fisher is still on the Utah Jazz, and Bob Hope is still a pretty classy guy.
And yes, I picked these lineups. Got problems with that, e-mail me or comment below.
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