I'm sick and tired of waiting for the Finals to start. And I'm sure you are too. Seriously, how much money can the NBA be making when absolutely nothing is happening? Its like Stern takes this time to purposely piss us off. "Damn our fans and their spoiled nature! The time for two games a day is nil! They shall all go WANTING!"
So, one day before Game 1, here is what I expect to happen.
Pregame
Obligatory "Finals Montage" where they flash Havlichek, Magic, Bird, Jordan, and Kobe/Shaq to a horrible pop song by Rob Thomas, David Bowie (ten bucks on "Changes"), or Sting. Brent Mussberger is then sacrificed to the Basketball Gods.
Cameras start in the garage, where Lebron is being followed by his entourage of 16 year old boys and 300 lb. men. He is wearing a Kengal newsboy hat and looks undoubtedly pimp.
Cameras switch to a "moments later" shot of Duncan walking the same route, completely alone. He's wearing a business suit and a mexican tie. Though this footage is said to be current, it could have come from his rookie year. Or 1983. He looks the same. No one is the wiser.
Appropriate introductions of announcers do poorly to match the atmosphere.
Shot of Spurs huddling in a tunnel, saying prayers. Bruce Bowen is wearing tribal paint and slinging around a dead chicken.
Shot of Cavs in their tunnel, bounding around. Looks like an Akon concert. Boobie Gibson crowdsurfs the huddle.
First Quarter
Cavs come out cold. Spurs kick it to Duncan for a quick six points, and after a Lebron layup Ginobili hits a three to make it 9-2.
Two baseline jumpers from Gooden. They take one away for his haircut and give it to Varejao. (Note: I had to go to the Cavs roster to spell Varejao's name right. And did you know they still had David Westley? He can't be any worse than Eric Snow...we KNOW he can shoot.)
Spurs play conservative, but Parker hits a couple layups and a runner. Oberto outhustles Ilgauskas for a couple offensive boards. I rename Oberto "Mad Frank", for no reason. It just has that serial killer vibe, and so does he.
Cavs run it back, get a fade and a layup from Lebron, and Gibson hits his first three.
Horry answers with a three back. It's the finals, isn't it?
Cavs miss, Spurs run it back, get a foul on Ilgauskas. Little known fact: foul trouble on Ilbauskas will determine the outcome just as much as on Duncan. Finley hits the free throws.
During a timeout, the Spurs mascot is retired after years of suffering. Put that damn coyote down, San Ant.
Cleveland ends quarter with a Gooden putback. Spurs up 29-25. Lebron: 4 pts.
Second Quarter
The King begins to heat up. Two fades on Bowen, one twisting layup in traffic and a couple freethrows puts him on 12 on the game. Outscores Spurs himself during this time.
But they come back. Finley hits a three, Duncan hits a bank, then a hook, and with a foul on Gooden they're up by 7. And the lead grows.
We have a Brent Barry sighting, and Parker hits a couple too. As Cleveland flounders, Gibson takes a couple ill-advised jumpers (a la Smush Parker). Lead stretches to 15.
Punches are traded. "Both teams play hard" - Rasheed Wallace.
After a Lebron miss, Varejao goes in for the tip, but gets leveled by Elson (who, on looks alone, might be the most thug-tastic man in the NBA. I think a piece of his lip is missing.)
Benches stand up, but assistant coaches start tazering the players to get them to sit again. (Tazers supplied pre-game courtesy of the San Antonio police department.)
A level-1 flagrant on Elson, but things settle down again. Quarter ends on a 8-4 run by Cleveland.
Spurs up 52-40. Lebron: 14 pts.
Halftime
I get another beer and cuss out Mike Brown for something he completely ignored. Meanwhile, the whole city of Cleveland gets about 3 more beers per person. Yes, including infants.
Third Quarter
About three minutes go by without anything happening. Duncan bricks, Lebron bricks, Ginobili bricks, Snow gets fouled and bricks the free throws. Bar patrons around me begin to become disgusted.
Just wait, it gets better.
After a rediculous layup and-one, Lebron gets a steal and makes a sick half-court pass to the 10-minute appearance Larry Hughes.
A putback from Elson, and Gibson squares up for another three out of a Lebron double team. Count it.
Timeout, San Antonio. There is a hushed murmur in the Alamo. Cavs down by 7.
Parker misses an easy layup, and Ilgauskas gets fouled by Duncan on a jumper. That's 4 on Duncan.
As he sits, the Spurs begin to hit. First Ginobili, then Finley, then Parker. The lead is back up to 12.
Quarter ends on a Hughes 3-pointer that cashes in. 72-63 Spurs. Lebron continue his third quarter off-streak with 3 points; 17 on the game.
Da Fourth
Duncan starts the game in, under a force field created by Popovich's stare.
Lebron screams at Gooden for no apparent reason.
Petrovic finally makes an appearance, scoring an early 4 points on a drive and a jumper.
Duncan hits a 3 point play, putting 4 fouls on Ilgauskas.
Off of an isolation, Lebron gets by Bowen and throws down a thunderous right-hander on both Oberto and Duncan. Duncan is not really guarding him, but this dunk still hurts his soul.
Killer 3 from Bowen in the corner. Somewhere, Vince Carter turns the TV off.
Lebron bricks a fade from 20 feet, but Valejao scoops up the board and tosses it back to him for an open shot, which he drains.
As Ginobili crosses midcourt, he slips and falls for no reason. No one touches him. Wouldn't that be hilarious? I totally see it happening. The refs would probably call a foul on someone, maybe Gibson, anyways.
Sadly, the Spurs begin to run away with it. A Duncan hook, a Finley reverse, and they're back up by 12 again. As Lebron and Gibson start launching 3's, it gets worse under 5 minutes.
At 3 minutes, Duncan picks up his fifth, but as the lead is nearing 15, Pop takes him out.
Two jumpers from Lebron raise hopes, but the game is called due to inclement sadness.
Final score: Spurs 101, Cavs 87. Lebron finishes with an even 30, 7 boards and 8 assists. An all-around solid game. Duncan has 25 and 15 boards, Parker has 18 and 6, Ginobili has 16 and 3 steals. Boobie Gibson finishes up with 14 points, 3-9 from 3 point land.
Post-Game
Commentators trash the Cavs, saying Lebron stepped up but didn't have the support.
They drink the Spurs Kool-aid, and the word "sweep" is mentioned at least 10 times in the half hour.
During the post-game interviews, Pop say how proud he is, but how they could have played better. Then he goes to the locker room and riverdances over how easy that game was. Tony Parker joins in.
Some lesser-known Cav kills a Spur fan outside while smoking a cigarette.
Robert Horry is promptly put back in his Carbonite-freezing unit.
My take: There's no way the Cavs win this game. Not in the Spurs house. They'll come to play, and the Cavs will be tight and nervous.
I still have Cavs in 7. Remember that the Cavs lost the first two games of the Piston series as well. And remember that the Lakers won the first game of the 1991 finals against Jordan's Bulls.
Now lets just see if I'm the oracle I think I am.
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