I would like to announce, with great humility and appreciation, that I have recently been granted full control of an NBA franchise.
Through clever and persistent pleading, my words of wisdom (at 3:30 am at David Stern’s private residence…through a bullhorn and countless slammed windows) have finally been heeded by the Powers That Be, and my poignant and potent public statements have finally met their audience’s ears.
Let it be said right here and now: this franchise will not suck any longer.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been numerous consolations made on my part…not to mention the multitude of taxpayers’ dollars that I have already promised to build a new stadium to replace the one built only five years ago. But that’s just part of the bargain, right Seattle? You guys know what I mean.
As a man of my people, I will gladly uphold the integrity that comes with this position, and the responsibility of leading a fan base. No longer will corporate hob-knobbing and noon-time benders be an office-wide occurrence. No longer will we provide our players with complimentary guns, tattoos of guns, or other gun-shaped paraphernalia at our yearly Christmas/Qwanza party! The days of wake-and-bakes and pre-game keg stands are over!
And - I promise - I will make the numerous changes that are necessary to field a successful and profitable NBA product, both for our fans, and the owners’ pocketbooks. Wait…I mean, just for the fans. Whatever happens afterwards is pure happenstance.
Without further ado, let me lay down some ground rules for my tenure here. These edicts will be effective immediately, or whenever the ushers at floor-level get around to it. With these changes, I believe we can quickly and effectively improve the nature of the game-time experience, making for a far better time for all at the Schick Quatro Mega-Coliseum (rights pending).
Fan Experience
Change #1: All fans who arrive to the game late will be charged $5 extra to their ticket price. Any fans that leave the game early will be charged an additional 25% to their ticket price upon exit.
Listen folks, this is more than just a night out on the town. Because of your close proximity to the players, your level of involvement is directly related to the success of the team. Ask Golden State, who’s record would be far worse if not for the thousands of Bay-area civilians who turn hyper-active every home game. If you want our players to do well, you won’t amble out at the six-minute mark of the fourth quarter in a five-point ballgame…the traffic is just as bad fifteen minutes from now, and the TV cameras can see you leaving. You’re bringing everyone down. So, now we’re going to charge you for that.
Change #2: Themed Sections
From this point on, Sections 112-114 will be for the hecklers, since they are located directly behind the players. Sections 101-105 are for families and children, since they are located as far as possible from the hecklers. Too often have I seen a child turned wide-eyed because of your offensive (yet wildly clever - don‘t get me wrong) rants at Matt Bonner or DeShawn Stevenson.
Furthermore, the upper sections (we’re getting rid of the phrase “promenade”…it’s just misleading and demeaning) will be given a 10% discount at the door if they come decked out in our team’s gear. It is hard to involve the upper decks in the action, so let ‘em create their own action.
Finally, the luxury boxes will be moved above the highest nosebleed seats. Listen, you corporate snobs: you can’t see anything from those boxes anyways, except whatever hairdo you’re meeting with. This way, you’re still at the game, and you can still enjoy your shrimp cocktail and champagne without taking up valuable space that can be given to real fans. You know, the ones who actually watch the game, and care what happens.
Oh, and any of the celebrities at floor-level are required to be on the Kiss Cam so we can see them make out with their beautiful wives, awkward younger sisters or children, moms, or fellow celebrities. Kiss Cam: where nightly public humiliation…happens.
Change #3: More Themed Nights
Remember when Jesse Jackson donned the Ben Wallace ‘fro in Detroit? We were all better for that having happened. From now on, every player’s feature flaw will have a night dedicated to it. Jordan Farmar? Shrek-ears night. Shaq? Ghetto-booty night. Ron Artest? Rock-’em-Sock-’em Boxing Gloves night. Yao? Foot Surgery night - all in attendance with a taped-up foot will receive two free beers. The possibilities are endless…and that’s before we even get to Popeye Jones night and the Halloween masks.
Actually, let’s extend the themes. We can have Frat Night, with beer pong and flip-cup as half-time contests, and jello shots and “jungle juice“ for sale. We can have Hooters night, with the ushers replaced with the Hooters girls and buckets of hot wings available (listen, if they can have an airline and a resort in Vegas, we can get them for a night.) And on that note, let’s have Casino night, where fans can bet on the quarter, half, and final score, who scores the most, how soon Marc Gasol fouls out (over/under at 15 minutes in) and which kid wins that contest where they dress themselves in oversized team gear and shoot a layup.
Any teams that need money, I highly suggest that last option. We can’t have a franchise in Vegas, so let’s bring Vegas to you!
Change #4: Frequent-Fan Discounts
From this point forward, vendor nametags will be trashed. If you still know their name, you get 20% off whatever you buy. My father has gone to Laker games for thirty-someodd years, and knows the full family history of the guy who sells the brats, the guy who sells the beer, and the lady who was once a cotton candy vendor but recently got promoted to American Express Giveaway lady.
This needs to happen more often…these people are a part of the franchise, just as the players are. You’re paying for their service, just as you’re paying for the athletes’ play. They deserve respect. The least we can do is address them properly. You get two chances to request their name, but after that it’s on you.
Player Experience
Change #5: In The Name of Team Building
I hereby decree that any player that leaves our team for Free Agency has to foot the bill on a team dinner at the steak restaurant of our choosing. I’m all for the open market, but there must be penalties for ditching your team…namely, facing them all and telling them why exactly you opted to play for more money elsewhere. That way, they won’t feel bad making you pay for their 16 oz. porterhouse.
Furthermore, the day that free agent returns to The Shick Quatro Mega-Coliseum (rights pending), they must either match their previous average in four or more statistical categories, or be green-slimed by the Nickelodeon crew when the final horn sounds. I don’t care that they are on the other team…if they left our team to go sit on the bench elsewhere for more money, they deserve to be slimed. This clause is going in all my players’ contracts immediately.
Finally, if a player stays on our team for six years, we will completely remodel their house. Eight years, we will pay for one of their kids’ college education. Ten years, and we will name a concourse at the airport after them, and erect a statue in the players’ locker room entranceway. I don’t care if you are a benchwarmer, there must be a legitimate incentive for you to stay on our team, and reverence if you do. Remember the Lakers and Celtics battling for ten years in the 80’s? Well, that won’t happen again without a huge decline in turnover. It will result in better basketball, and more wholesome basketball players. Besides, if Adonal Foyle got to walk past a giant bronze Adonal Foyle before each home game for the Warriors, I guarantee you he would have played better.
Also, trades must be approved by 65% of the season ticket holders. If I get a wild hair up my butt and attempt a trade for Lindsay Hunter, I had better be stopped by someone. Why not give fans a voice in the process?
Change #6: If Your Nickname is More Popular Than Your Real Name…
…it goes on the back of your jersey. No exceptions. That is pure awesomeness, and kudos to you.
Change #7: Team Play
From this point forward, I will hire one statistician that will keep records of every bonehead play, made on or off the court. For every five, I get to penalize you in creative and devastating ways. Toothbrushes in toilets, Nair while you sleep, stuff like that. Hey, I have to earn my paycheck too. A website will soon be created, and dedicated to this type of player “ownage“. (Lamar Odom, get ready.)
I expect the site’s ad revenue will pay for most of our new stadium.
Also, awesome moves/acts of kindness/good games will be rewarded in turn. I’m not so good at creative rewards, but I will work on it…or I’ll hire a staff to work on it for me. Odds are, we’d be installing a bunch of aquariums or something. But it would be definitely in the interest of the players.
Finally, the guy on our team that averages the most assists on the year gets a special bench chair…one of those ergonomic ones with the pulsing massagers. Incentive comes in many forms, my friends.
* * *
So, in closing, I am most grateful for this chance to turn our franchise around. I consider it a chance to right what is wrong with the NBA, a chance to connect the fans and the players more directly. Though my ideas may be unconventional, I guarantee results…or you can return your season tickets for a full refund as soon as I am fired.
Plus, if I work less productively after I get axed, you get to slime me. And that’s a promise.
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